Everything that you've written here rings so, so true.

Another commenter on this piece said that I must be really ignorant of what parenting is like to have written something like this, that if…

Everything that you've written here rings so, so true. I had one parent who was very disrespectful of my boundaries and emotions, and most of my close friends and loved ones grew up in abusive and emotionally invalidating or neglectful environments -- and it is always so jarring to encounter people who operate under the assumption that the family is always a safe haven for a child and that the adults around a child always know what is best for them and understand their inner lives better than the children themselves. Even among parents who are pretty progressive and open minded about queerness and transness and neurodiversity, I routinely encounter attitudes that are just downright dehumanizing of their own children, if they really drilled down and thought about it.

Another commenter on this piece said that I must be really ignorant of what parenting is like to have written something like this, that if I were a parent I would understand that kids lie, and say wildly untrue things, including making very negative statements about themselves that they "dont really mean." It was so sad to read that kind of dismissive defensiveness! Of course kids say inconsistent and not literally true things -- adults do as well -- but that doesn't mean their emotional realities aren't real! This was clearly a supportive, well intentioned parent who wrote the comment, but from the sound of things, they still dismiss their kid when the kids says they're feeling worthless or unwanted or something similar that reflects a true emotion and experience, even if it's not literally true and a parent might not want to hear it. It seems like whenever I do push against these attitudes in parents, however gently, eventually they reveal that on some level they see their kid as not trustworthy or aware and undeserving of rights.

I don't know what giving kids autonomy while also protecting them from abuse and exploitation ought to look like, but I know the current model isn't working. I think even just finding ways to safely grant kids greater and wider community connections rather than treating them as the property of a nuclear family would sure help.