Getting Active About Being Passive

A sub’s guide.

It’s Sex Anarchy, my semi-regular advice column that aims to make sex less of an exceptional, frightening experience on the margins of life and more of a mundane activity that we all have the power to enjoy on our own terms.

Our question today comes from Boyorgirlor on Tumblr, who has kinks that involve giving up their power, like objectification and consensual non-consent. They want to know how they can be more of an active sexual agent and enjoy asking things of their partners — when their greatest fantasy is all about passivity and loss of control:

Boyorgirlor, you have come to the right place! Like you, the majority of my sexual responsiveness requires another person to take control of the action. I get off on being told what to do, held down, used like a Fleshlight, and regarded as a subhuman object or pet. For me, what matters is the emotional sensation of trusting someone to do whatever they want with me (up to a point), and the relief of getting to turn off my highly verbal, active mind for a while and relax into a shared physical experience.

When a potential sexual partner expects me to be the dominant force, I go girl and give them nothing, because what I want is to be wanted and used. If the event is completely vanilla and non-hierarchical, it’s notably not for me.

But this tendency toward sexual passivity has never gotten in the way of my pulling bitches (or having an enjoyable time with a person I like), because when it comes to the social mechanics of negotiating sex, I am a highly communicative, proactive self-starter with a firm sense of what I like and the confidence to ask for it, and the ability to give notes.

As I have written before, there is really no top shortage, there is only a shortage of bottoms who are doing their share of the job of fucking. A lot of people on the passive end of the sexual spectrum dream about a big, sexually insatiable brute that will come and claim them and fuck them exactly the way they like without them ever having to do a thing.

But let’s burst that fantastical bubble right out the gate: nobody is coming to fuck you if you don’t ask for it and offer something in return. At least, not anybody who is respectful and a good lay. Most Dommy types are absolutely scared shitless that they’re going to cross an unspoken boundary or hurt somebody by fucking more vigorously, violently, or weirdly than they should have. The rest have their dance cards too filled with actively participating subs to go around looking for the shy guy in the corner who won’t say a thing.

(And anyone who doesn’t fall into these two categories is probably someone who is more interested in Dominance because they actively want to take advantage of somebody, as you note, and ought to be avoided. The best way to avoid them is by being a sub who can express themselves and say no to things).

Bagging a good top, then, means making them feel wanted, giving them a rich color palette of kinky inspirations and potential acts to play with, turning them on enough to make them want to fuck you, possessing some sexual or interpersonal skills they might find appealing, giving them notes about how well things are going, then offering tons of reassurance and praise after the fact, so they leave the encounter feeling the effort was worth it.

And this means that, mental jerk-off fodder notwithstanding, you cannot actually behave like a mentally vacant Fleshlight. At least, not without doing some serious pre-work first. As much as we subby bottoms might fixate on the idea of going completely limp and allowing a top to do whatever the absolute hell they like with us, the truth is we always have preferences and limits and our bodies give us useful information about what is happening to us that we can pass on to our tops. And the sex will be better for us and our partners when we can express all of that.

You might think that bossing your partners around gives you zero pleasure, Boyorgirlor, but being sexually passive can be quite a powerful position. When you expect that your sexual partners make all of the decisions or perform all the physical work, you are making a demand of them! By refusing to play the role of an equal sexual partner, you are already exercising sexual agency and refusing roles that you dislike. That is a great thing! And becoming a more ‘active’ sexual partner means sharing just a little bit more  — about how you like being used, what mental state you like to occupy during sex, what goes through your head while a partner is ‘using’ you, what ways of being ‘used’ are you skillful at (deep-throating, for instance, or anal, or foot jobs), and offering to fulfill your partner’s fantasies a little bit in return, in a compatible way.

Here are some steps you can take, if you wanna be a powerless, brainless subby hole who actually has a shit-ton of agency:

Know What You Like

In the cat-and-mouse BDSM romance Sanctuary, the skittish, subby Hal (played by a truly wet and pathetic-looking Christopher Abbott) learns confidence under the guidance of a professional dominatrix, Rebecca (played by the always-sizzling Margaret Qualley). After months in Rebecca’s tutelage, Hal blossoms from a hesitant schlub of a nepo baby into an empowered bad bitch who secretly holds all the reins in every sexual encounter, plotting out each scene beat by beat and writing Rebecca’s lines into a carefully directed script.

(After that, the power dynamic gets even more complicated, with lots of thrilling reversals of status and twinging of the heartstrings.)

Margaret Qualley and Christopher Abbot in Sanctuary.

As a subby, bottomy type, you don’t actually have to script out every little action that your Dom takes, the way that Hal does in the film. You don’t have to know absolutely everything that gets your crank going, either. But you do need to develop a sense of your own sexual tastes, what you enjoy and what squicks you out and which activities your body takes the most kindly to.

Do you need warming up before you can be penetrated? What positions are easiest on your neck, your throat, your hips, your lower back? Do you love providing sexual service, or is it performing chores that really gets you going? How do you like being spoken to while you are in subby mode, or do you not want to be addressed at all? Understanding what you like and how your body responds isn’t the same thing as topping from the bottom, it’s just being a remotely present partner, and your Doms will appreciate you for giving them some vision to work with. You can, if you like, create a ‘user manual’ for the people you want to use you.

If you are inexperienced, the best way to start is by looking at tons of porn — videos, animated gifs, erotic stories, fan art, jerk-off-instruction audios, OnlyFans content, whatever it is you prefer. Simply observe what gets you going, and the activities you might like to try, and save your favorites in a dedicated folder you can share with your Dom.

Pay attention, also, to the content of your masturbatory fantasies. When you think about someone “doing whatever they want” to you, what is it that they actually do? I guarantee there’s recurring themes. Are you getting fucked in the pussy or the ass? In the mouth? Are you alone in a home, or getting gang-banged by a crowd at a party? Are you being kidnapped into forced sexual service, or is your Dom a God that you are eager to serve?

Think also about how you would like being sexually “passive” to make you feel:

• When you sub, do you like feeling appreciated? Empty? Dumb? Insatiable? Ignored?

• In your fantasies, is the Dom cruel, care-taking, indifferent, or something else?

• Do you want to walk away from the sex feeling used? Blank? Accomplished? Exhausted? Grateful?

• Do you imagine yourself enjoying the sex/scene as it happens? Or do you want it to be overwhelming/painful/confusing/difficult to process?

• Do you want to fight back and be conquered, or do you like being docile and obedient?

Write down some of the feelings that resonate with you, so that your future Dom knows how to play their role, and what to expect from you. This is actually a crucial part of determining sexual compatibility!

Be Direct

Once you have a good sense of what gets you going, put that language all over your hookup and dating-app profiles.

Being open & unabashed about your interests will really make your profile stand out, as most hookup app users make the mistake of being overly generic and tame in the hopes of appealing to the maximum number of people. I speak from experience: you do not want to do that! You’ll only waste your time pretending to be something you’re not, with somebody who has no idea how to show up as themselves either! You do not have infinite messaging time! Narrow your attention down to the people who will be a good fit.

In your bios, you want to be so singularly yourself that incompatible people will see themselves out. The more information you provide about who you are and the vibe you want, the more prepared Doms will feel approaching you. You’ll also scare off the opportunists and would-be abusers who treat kink as an inroad to an easy lay.

Here are some actual bios I’ve used:

Submissive trans guy seeks Dominant type for power-dynamic-fueled sex and play. Into bondage, being given commands, training, restraints, blindfolds, gags, chains, collars, handcuffs, and more. No vanilla, sorry.

Highly submissive, seeking Dominants only. I like being told what to do and used for another person’s satisfaction. No pleasure tops, no cunnilingus; I want the focus to be on being good and obedient for you. Big fan of being praised and snuggled with.

In the past few years, I’ve mostly stuck to casual BDSM encounters on apps like Grindr. Now I’m searching for a more intense emotional connection with the possibility of long-term commitment. I am non-monogamous but not polyamorous, and pretty much exclusively submissive.

Don’t be afraid to be selfish and specific. You should have some skills and exciting interests to offer to a partner, yes, but remember that your submission is part of the gift! Good Dominants will want to understand what gets you relaxed into a more submissive headspace, where the boundaries of the fantasy are for you, and how they can play around inside it.

Message First

Just because you want to lie face-down on the mattress and be completely unresponsive during sex doesn’t mean you can’t be assertive in making that sex happen. I’ve found it very easy to locate sexual partners because I am not shy about making my approach. I have frequently sent things like this:

“Hey there, you’re really cute. It looks like we both have an interest in bondage.”

“I really liked that story you posted to your profile about choking submissives out. I’m a big fan of choking.”

“Are you looking for any new twinks for your dungeon?”

“Do you wanna hook up sometime?”

Or, the opening line that I used on my partner:

“Hey there, wanna teach me about WNBA drama and impact top me sometime?”

(They’d mentioned getting into women’s basketball on their profile).

If you are used to being on the ‘passive’ end of the dating market, you know what works in an opening message and what doesn’t. Put care into the messages you send; don’t spam a ton of inboxes. Show an interest in the other person’s interests. Ask questions that invite further conversation — no “sup?” or “How are you doing today?” or anything dry and boring. Ask about their sexual interests, share a fantasy and ask them to do the same, tell them they are sexy, let them know that their personality absolutely glimmers off their profile. If you cannot find a reason to be genuinely excited about the other person, don’t message. (And if you cannot find anyone worth being excited about, search your heart for what that means).

Do some of the early negotiational ‘work’ of seeing how your interests might line up with the other person’s. For example, if a Dom is a mommy type and you’re a pup, you two can probably align on some play where their Dominance is very caretaker-y and your submission involves needing their guidance. If you’re into rope and another person is into bondage, why not combine the two? Figuring out how two people’s sexual styles can converge is a creative challenge, and even if you aren’t the one leading the scene, you can help set it up.

Photo by Bjorn Pierre on Unsplash

Develop Sexual & Relational Skills

Unfortunately, many submissives fall into really conventional, cis-hetero thinking about their own sexual appeal, and assume the only way they can attract a Dom is by being conventionally hot. This is rooted in the patriarchal logic that holds women are always sexually passive partners, and that it is a woman’s role to be an object that receives desired, instead of a person who goes after what they want.

In reality, the only way to attract desirable Dominant partners and have a good time with them is to be a submissive who has enough talent to be fun to play with, interesting, alluring, capable of adjusting when a scene does not go to plan, and who generally gives something back to the Dominant that makes a scene worthwhile.

When I talk of ‘sexual skills,’ I don’t mean being able to fold in half like a pretzel or take a pounding for hours without complaint. Being physically capable of a variety of sexual acts is an asset, to be sure, and I’ve certainly gotten kudos from upping my deep-throat game. But what matters far more is your ability to be a good hang and an emotionally present partner, and these are abilities you can develop with practice and intention, no matter where you are starting from.

Here are some kink-adjacent skills that are pretty much always worth honing:

• Enthusiasm. Be able to show a partner that they are fucking you well. Make interesting noises, give detailed praise to your Dom, express excitement before, during, and after a scene, take notice of the small choices your Dom makes that you appreciate, and describe what you liked about it.

• Planning ability. Think through what needs to be done before the sex happens, and gather the materials necessary. Purchase sex toys you enjoy having used on you, gear that you feel sexy wearing, and other helpful resources like towels, lube, snacks, or a comfort object that can bring you out of sub drop. Discuss a rough timeline and outline for the scene with your Dom, and don’t be afraid to ask questions or work through practical logistics.

• Knowledge of your body. How much does your pain tolerance fluctuate based on things like your mood, how physically rested you are, and whether or not you took medication? What helps prep you for anal sex? What activities, clothes, or environmental cues help get you into a kinky headspace (like pupspace or littlespace)? How long do you have to wait after a meal before you are able to perform oral without gagging? What helps your body to relax and go limp, and what makes it tense up? A skillful sub will have observed their own body’s responses through many experiences, and will know what sets them up for success.

• Attunement to a partner & their body. Pay close attention to your partner and to their responses. How do you know when they are feeling good? Do they breathe more quickly, cry out, fall silent, lean their hips into you, smile, or grimace in concentration? Ask them about what they enjoy and try to identify patterns. Do they like rough or soft sensations? Slow or fast stimulation? Do they get excited when you act fearful, or eager, or worshipful, or shy?

• Ability to pivot. What do you do when the scene doesn’t go as planned? A skillful submissive will keep an open mind about what a fulfilling scene looks like, and keep their focus on having a positive time with their partner. It can be helpful to have a handful of easy, back-up kink activities that you can fall back on when a more elaborate scene doesn’t work. (For example, you might replace penetrative sex with mutual masturbation, or a violent Dom/sub scene with a milder scene of cleaning the apartment as ‘service.’)

• Self-confidence. You don’t have to actually feel like a charismatic sexpot all the time, but you should work on feeling comfortable in your own body and knowing what makes you feel sexy around another person. Figure out what helps get you into a sexual mode: the clothing, poses, ways of behaving, mood lighting, music, or other cues that help you really turn on the dazzle. The more you feel attractive and at home in your body, the more likely it is that your partner will be turned on by you.

• Ability to express desire. Dominants are often expected to be the person who initiates sex, but they want to feel lusted after too! So practice showing that you are attracted to someone: salivate over their photos, grab at the parts of their body that turn you on, beg to eat them out, tell them that you have been masturbating about them, or write up a sexy fantasy in which they’re the star. If you are asexual, or are not used to centering your own desire, just try to notice what you find intriguing or appealing about another person. Even if you don’t experience desire for a person’s body, you can compliment their personality, sexual skill, express your longing to be around them, or initiate sex.

• Sexual talents. Though I maintain that all of the ‘soft’ interpersonal skills I’ve listed above are vastly more important, it is pretty appealing when somebody has a specific sexual ability they’ve devoted hours to mastering, especially if it comes from sheer love of the game. So pick a sexual act that you really enjoy, and get really good at it. Get more flexible, learn how to tie rope, practice holding your breath, or use toys to get better at being double-penetrated. The Dominant partner isn’t the only one who needs active sexual know-how: being able to hypnotize, give a sensual massage, or fuck somebody means you are vastly more capable of sexual service from a submissive direction.

• Self-advocacy skills. Learn how to advertise your sexual assets, and make an offer that a Dominant will want to say yes to. Practice speaking up when you feel physically uncomfortable, or emotionally neglected when some aspect of your relationship dynamic goes wrong. If you’re an active participant in the kink scene, you will probably also have to navigate feelings like jealousy, or you’ll experience conflict with others in the community. Work on communicating through these problems, and expressing what you need.

Express Limits

Generally speaking, Dominants find it terrifying when a submissive cannot set any boundaries on play, because it forces the Dominant to guess at things like how much pain the submissive can endure without severe injury, or whether acting out a consensual non-consent scene might cause a trauma flashback. And even if it is your fantasy to lie out like a sacrifice for your Dominant to inflict their worst violence on, in reality you have a body that does respond to sensations that it doesn’t like, and a mind that can fracture or flame out when it gets frustrated, and it is irresponsible to not share that valuable internal feedback with the person Dominating you.

You can think of sharing your limits as making a really vulnerable offering to your Dom: You letting them more deeply into your body and mind when you tell them which sensations might annoy you, hurt you, or traumatize you. It isn’t controlling to say no to things, or to complain that you don’t enjoy a particular sexual activity. When you do that, you are actually arming your Dominant with more information that they can use to get their desired reactions out of you. And if you are an enjoyable toy, they certainly don’t want to break you without realizing it.

In kink, limits come with a couple of different levels, and they can be approached in a variety of ways:

Soft limits can be pushed past, under conditions determined by the sub. For example, a submissive may set a soft limit on having penetrative intercourse, unless they are in a relationship with the Dominant, or a sub who doesn’t especially like piss play may refuse to drink pee unless a serious Owner or Master demands it of them. Pushing past a soft limit can be a fun challenge for a sub that wants to expand their comfort window, a gesture of trust toward a Dominant they have a strong rapport with, or active choice to do something unpleasant because being disgusted/in pain/overstimulated can be fun.

Hard limits are firm lines set by a submissive that they don’t ever want to see crossed, no matter how much power they otherwise hand over to a Dominant. For instance, a submissive might agree to an intense, 24/7 slave/Master dynamic in which their Dominant has the final say on how they dress and what they eat, but they might refuse to let the Dominant have any say over whom they socialize with. No matter how all-encompassing a Dom-sub dynamic is, it is ultimately still just a play-pretend game that two fully autonomous individuals have decided to take part in together, and the submissive always has the freedom to say no to any kink activity that they believe will harm them, or that they viscerally dislike.

Hard limits are often easier to recognize, because we tend to have a visceral reaction to the thought of them: if you are someone who never wants to play with feces, or blood, you probably recognize that immediately. If you think it is wrong to have sex with a corpse or an animal, you probably won’t cross that boundary no matter what a Dom asks of you.

But soft limits are a lot more difficult to determine, particularly if you enjoy submitting to a partner’s authority. If you are a submissive, then testing your limitations (or having them violated) can become a bit of a turn-on itself. This is part of what soft limits exist for — they are liminal enough to dance along the edges of comfort and consent — but crossing them at the wrong time can still be just as damaging as any other sexual trauma. And so it’s important to have a deep knowledge of your limitations, where they come from, and when they might be worth challenging, so you know how far you and a Dominant can go.

To figure out your limits, you might ask yourself questions like:

• What types of pain do I find intolerable? (Sharp, stinging, thuddy, nerve pain, cuts, bruises, crushing, etc).

• What are some physical sensations I cannot stand? (Textures, positions, types of touch, etc).

• What sensory experiences upset me? (Sounds, smells, lighting, tastes, etc.)

• Are there any body parts that I don’t ever want to be touched?

• Are there any body parts on other people that I never want to touch?

• Are there words I never want to have used for me? (Pronouns, titles, body part names, etc.)

• Are there any sexual activities I find disturbing or gross?

• Are there any kinks I find disturbing or gross?

• What trauma triggers do I have, if any, that might pop up during sex?

• Are there any kinks that I never want to take part in?

• When a sexual or kinky experience is upsetting to me, how do I know?

Keep in mind that limits are highly idiosyncratic, and do not need to be rooted in any response that’s ‘extreme’ or traumatic. For instance, my hardest limit is an outright ban on vanilla sex. Some of my other limits (such as on lactation and blood) come purely from the fact that those fluids make me feel faint or nauseated, not because I have any big triggers surrounding them or think that they are wrong for anyone to engage in. Kinky people set limits on the themes of play they’ll entertain (No bimbo play, for instance, or no role-playing incest), titles they can be called (many Doms have a “No calling me Master/Mistress” rule), whether they are comfortable having sex partners stay the night or wear collars, just about anything under the sun — and for any reason.

As you start to articulate a few more of your own limits, think also about what tier of seriousness each of them come with, and the circumstances under which pushing them could be fun. You can ask yourself:

• Which limits might I enjoy having pushed by a Dominant partner?

• Which limits would I be willing to challenge for the right partner?

• Which limits are flexible based on the nature of the relationship, the situation, or how comfortable I’m feeling?

• Which limits do I never want to see crossed under any circumstances?

A lot of the Dominants with a “No calling me Master/Mistress” rule, for instance, only set that rule because they are tired of random submissives sliding into their inbox and forcing a serious role onto them when there is no prior relationship. Many kinky people hold collaring as deeply meaningful, similarly, and do not feel comfortable just throwing one on a casual partner for a single scene. You might decide that even if piss play is gross to you and a ‘soft’ limit, it might be hot to have a Dominant slowly wear down your defenses and condition you into enjoying it.

Just think about the possibilities, explore your own feelings, and communicate with your Dom(s), who surely have their share of limits to divulge, too. A lot of interesting edge play can result!

Photo by Nish Gupta on Unsplash

Give Feedback

After you’ve completed a scene with a Dominant partner, you can practice good submissive agency by telling them all about your experience. Describe what the scene felt like from your perspective, share the highlights, mention if anything didn’t work, and offer suggestions or requests for future play! Be expressive, honest, and detailed!

Here’s an example script:

Thank you so much for Domming me last week, I can’t stop jerking off about it. I loved the feeling of the canes against my feet, it was so mean and stinging in the absolute best way! I found your gruff Dom-y voice so fucking sexy. It was like you turned into a different version of yourself! The blindfold also really helped me get out of my head and relax into the role. The music you were playing did bring me out of it a bit — nu-metal is just a little too silly for me to take seriously and just didn’t add to the atmosphere. Could we try playing with temperature next?? Hot wax or ice?? Pretty please???

Any Dominant who cares about their sub(s) having a positive experience will want to take your notes. They want to know if their slaps really hurt! They want ideas that they can bring to the next scene! You want them to walk away from the encounter feeling appreciated and creatively inspired (or challenged).

Too many submissives revert to silence following a scene — feeling either overwhelmed or really bashful. But playing it coy is the absolute worst thing that you can do with those feelings. In the days following an intense D/s encounter, it’s pretty common for a Dominant’s head to fill with worries that they might have done something wrong, and shame about the fact they enjoy beating/insulting/manipulating people. You can help prevent Dom drop by swooping in early and offering your Dom lots of praise and reassurance — as well as targeted advice, so that they’ll know exactly how your body and mind responds to their treatment.

You don’t have to deliver feedback immediately. For many kinksters, particularly neurodivergent ones, registering how we feel and translating those feelings into words can take some time. But do let your Dominant know as soon as possible that you are doing alright, and that you will be giving them feedback when you can. Take a few days to reflect, then write down your thoughts, record a voice memo, or make some smutty art about your experience! Your feedback is a gesture of creative repayment for all the work that your partner puts into Dominating you.

I think it is important for us submissive-types to remember that the act of Dominance does not fully originate in our partners. It is drawn out, shaped, and motivated by the submissives — our tastes, our squicks, our delicious whimpers and cries begging for more. The power exchange at the heart of D/s cannot happen without us choosing to surrender, and no matter what is being done to us, we are constantly making decisions and actively playing a role.

The slash that separates the D and the s is not a divide, it is a connection — and it is created through the mutual collaboration of equals, always. So please, let your D-type in on some of your own process. Give them not only your obedience, but true insight into how you feel.

You can send a question to Sex Anarchy here.

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