Gyno Chat
The following was performed and recorded live at Hopleaf by Cassandra, a comedy collective that seamlessly weaves outrageous characters…
The following was performed and recorded live at Hopleaf by Cassandra, a comedy collective that seamlessly weaves outrageous characters, storytelling, live lit, and music into one hilarious live show.
Erika:
In most situations, my social skills are far from impressive. In high school, a close friend told me:
AMY:
“Erika, I used to think you were a robot because you don’t eat, sleep, or like people.”
Erika:
And I was super flattered. It’s cool for people to mistake reservedness for being a withdrawn, ice cold motherfucker. But of course, there are exceptions:
AMY:
“Hey, I’m a stranger at a party, and I think Majora’s Mask is the worst and most derivative Legend of Zelda game.”
Erika:
HI I’M GOING TO SPEND THIRTEEN MINUTES EXPLAINING EXACTLY HOW MUCH THAT ITERATION OF THE SERIES BROKE THE NARRATIVE AND GAMEPLAY MOLD, and also why it’s a metaphor for Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ seven stages of grief, using sources and a bunch of twitchy arm gesticulations.
AMY:
Yeah that sounds really charming.
Erika:
It is. But there is one place where my awkward personality is somehow a conversational panty-dropper.
DAN:
I’m suspicious that this is going to be gross and/or vaginal.
Erika:
You’re right! It’s the gynecologist’s office. I don’t know why, but every single time I’m alone in a room with a gynecologist, they open up to me like they’re the one in the stirrups.
GYNO:
Hello, I’m Dr. Singh, and I’m going to be conducting your pelvic exam today!
Erika:
Hi! Nice to meet you!
GYNO:
So before I have you get up on the bench, I’m going to take your medical history. Have you been to this Planned Parenthood before?
Erika:
Yes, a long time ago.
GYNO:
Hm, it’s not showing up in my records. Contraceptive consult?
Erika:
No, it was a yeast infection screening.
Gyno:
Oh, yeast infections! :(! Aren’t they the worst?
Erika:
Actually I didn’t have one, I was here because the guy I was seeing had one inside his foreskin.
GYNO:
Oh, what a shame!
DAN:
YOU CAN GET A YEAST INFECTION ON YOUR DICK?!
Erika:
Yes Dan. Uncircumcised men can get yeast infections on their dick. The doctor recommended that the guy use a blow dryer on his penis, to clear up the moisture.
DAN:
ALL OF THAT IS AWFUL.
Gyno:
So Erika, your records show you’re quite the birth control pro!
Erika:
[She literally said that to me.]
Gyno:
What are you on right now?
Erika:
Generic Ortho-Tricyclen. Here’s the pack.
GYNO:
Try-estary…la? What the heck is that? I’m just gonna put down Tri-Sprintec, it’s all the same.
Erika:
Oh! I had that before, I like that one better!
GYNO:
Less spotting right?
Erika:
Yes! Totally!
Gyno:
Okay, I’m gonna call it in to Target, it’s a lot cheaper there and they’ll give you as many packs as you want at a time.
Erika:
Oh, awesome, thanks.
GYNO:
If you pay cash they’ll let you get as many packs as you want! Cash is king. Have any blood clots, migraines, high blood pressure, diabetes?
Erika:
Nope.
GYNO:
Smoke, do any marijuana?
Erika:
Nope.
GYNO:
You’re so boring! It’s so boring in this office today! It’s like scary how boring it is!
Erika:
Sorry, should I pretend I have something? I have a friend who’s an actor who, like, pretends to have different diseases for medical students
GYNO:
Oh, those freaking standardized patient things! I used to do those back in grad school. I was a pelvic model actually!
Erika:
A pelvic model?
GYNO:
Yeah, I used to come in, strip down, get up in the stirrups, and the doctors-in-training would do full pelvic exams on me, pap smear and everything. I got paid $75 bucks a pop! I did like half a dozen a day, sometimes five days a week!
Erika:
Woah, that’s…a lot…
GYNO:
Oh it was horrible, that was back when they still did anal exams–
DAN:
YIKES–
GYNO:
Eh, but they paid cash! Cash is king! And $75 was a lot of money back then! Paid my way through grad school.
Erika:
I did a clinical trial for the HPV vaccine.
Gyno:
Oh, awesome!
Erika:
Free vaccines, birth control, and I got paid $50 per visit!
GYNO:
Sure you had to do a lot of pap smears for that!
Erika:
Once every six months!
Gyno:
Yeesh! Okay, when was your last pelvic exam?
Erika:
A year ago.
Gyno:
So you woulda been, what, 26? You know what, you don’t actually need one today.
Erika:
Really??
Gyno:
Yeah. The American Academy of Obstetrics changed their policy. You only need one every three years. Any more often doesn’t increase the rate of detection.
Erika:
Oh, because cervical cancer grows super slowly, right?
Gyno:
That’s right! A lot of people, they think it’s some “obamacare conspiracy” to pay for fewer services…
Erika:
but it just doesn’t increase the detection rate to do more exams, huh?
Gyno:
Exactly. I mean, if somebody really wants an exam that badly, I tell them to just lie and say they haven’t had a check up in ten years.
Erika:
Yeah…i guess that’s easier than fighting with the insurance companies.
Gyno:
Exactly! You get it.
Erika:
That remind me of when I was at Loyola; when you want birth control, you have to lie and say it’s for “cramps”, because it’s a Catholic school.
Gyno:
But the doctors would help you lie?
Erika:
Yeah, they just…told me to lie.
Gyno:
Good on them. Okay, let’s just check out your breasts and then we’ll be done.
Erika:
Okay
Gyno:
Okay, so I’m going to examine by hand the breast and surrounding tissue in the armpits. Do you do self exams?
Erika:
Yeah, kind of. I mean, my last doctor taught me to do this complicated spiral thing, but I don’t do it perfectly–
GYNO:
Good. Just do it however you’re comfortable. Okay, I’m switching to your other breast…
Erika:
Okay…I thought I had to start at the base and slowly creep my fingers around the whole boob-
DAN:
UH
Gyno:
Nah. Doesn’t matter. Research shows it doesn’t matter how you perform the exam, as long as you’re looking around regularly!
Erika:
Oh really?
Gyno:
Yeah, it’s better to just kinda..root around…and see if anything feels unusual. Any changes, anything weird. Yeah, everything feels fine here.
Erika:
Great!
Gyno:
I think that’s it! Oh, I really like your statistics tattoo!
Erika:
Thanks!
Gyno:
I should have gotten one of those in graduate school. Man, your coffee smells really good. What is that?
Erika:
It’s just Dunkin Donuts
Gyno:
Mm. Smells like caramel. Okay, so anyway, the cost for the appointment is $80. How will you be paying?
ERIKA:
Oh, out of pocket. Cash is king, right?
GYNO:
That’s right!
DAN:
Erika, was any of that real?
Erika:
Dan, yes, that’s completely what happened, I wrote down exactly what the lady said as soon as I got out of the appointment last week.
DAN:
Was your gynecologist high?
Erika:
No, she was just a friendly old lady…who thought i was boring because I don’t smoke weed…okay maybe she was high, but it was an incredibly pleasant interaction! The lady was so fucking chill, it was like therapeutic! I might have to sign up for regular cooter checks just so I can hang out with her more.
DAN:
…But the yeast infections on the dick thing. That was fake right?
Erika:
No. But I did leave one thing out.
DAN:
oh no-
Erika:
The yeast infection caused a bunch of little red cuts to open up on his foreskin
DAN:
GOD DAMMIT
Originally published at erikadprice.tumblr.com.