A thing that fascinates me about how I deal with uncertainty is that I'm far worse about the potential of what can happen, than dealing with whatever actually happens. I won't necessarily be happy about it, but once it does, I usually manage. It's like the fractal-like possibility tree that branches infinitely with every possible permutation gets radically pruned down. In effect stopping you from endlessly traversing the tree and catastrophizing, and thereby drastically reducing its mental load. And heaven knows that in times like these that tree gets mighty heavy. (In addition to having mentally rehearsed the Event helping pre-digest the outcome, which, as much as I dislike the pessimistic saying "prepare for the worst, hope for the best", pretty much encompasses.)
Dealing with a shitshow of an occurence sucks, but as long as it's a Known Thing, it's not an ungraspable infinitely morphing shadow on the ceiling of a nightmare riddled dark night.
Also, I have to cosign the lack and/or difficulty for autistic people to establish relationships contributing to this fear of change. Not limited to the fear itself, but also because the lack of substantive relationships, the grounding effect thereof isn't there. To put it plainly, the future is a whole lot less scary for starters when you're solidly embedded in a social group.
(Lastly, ouch, that part about asking nothing and giving everything in the hopes that you'll be noticed and liked is too dang real.)
Thank you for writing such a vulnerable piece. I've never felt so seen by anything before, and if I was still capable of crying it would have made me sob (as it is, I have shed 1 tear, which is quite an accomplishment). I felt like I was reading about my own life, except unlike this story, my loss didn't have a happy ending. I'm still clinging to the past, thinking every single day, "I just want things to go back to the way they were". I've accepted a lot of monumental change in my life, most notably the loss of my health and employment due to chronic illness - for some reason I can accept that, but not the loss of the most intense and perfect relationship I've ever had (and of my last anchor/safe person). I don't know if the preconditions exist in my life to be able to accept that particular loss. I will have to think about and probably reread your post a lot.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your anchor. Having a safe person who is willing to grow with me has improved my life immeasurably, and I remember how difficult just about ANYTHING was without it. And how crazy-making it is to face the potential loss of it.
Thanks for this, I’ve struggled with therapists pathologising me for using similar pre-emption coping mechanisms and saying I’m just borrowing misery from the future when I think it’s always done the opposite and let me cope with those feelings in a structured way instead of all at once. I’m done beating myself up for this because opposite action on it is just making me feel worse.
This is a really wonderful post and had me tearing up in a few places. Thank you again ❤️❤️
This hurt my feelings but in a good way. I spoke to my counsellor earlier today about how my need for absolute security and certainty in all situations closes me off from living the life I actually want, but also that it makes sense that I prioritise these things when I grew up chronically ill and neurodivergent, with nothing in my life feeling within my control.
I’m in a good spot now and have been for years, but still find it hard to be vulnerable to risk in any form - my current dilemma is being afraid to adopt a dog I’ve already been fostering (which should be a no-brainer as I love him a lot and he helps me have more beneficial routines, but I think about him eventually dying every day 🙃). I know I will do it, but it feels so overwhelmingly scary.
Our nervous systems have been primed to see unknowns and changes as threats, often with good reason, but it’s frustrating that it’s so hard to switch off in the instances we know it’s not true/helpful.
Hello. I waited for this piece eagerly and really liked it. I relate to the many things you wrote. Especially thinking about loss often to mitigate its effects. A year ago I really loved Disco Elysium. Harry's experiences and my love for him inspired me to change and pretend I've also experienced a clean slate, that I was living a some kind of post-death. I lived in the present, and looked forward to the future for once, so grateful that I could still live despite having died. Grateful for water, air, food, music, pain and strife. For everything. And because my future was already forfeit, why not just try to be better? It was filled with monumental progress and simultaneously the most peaceful time of my life. It's over now, of course. I don't know if I would recommend such mindset, it can be very destructive in the long-term for short-term gain. And frankly it was very specific to counter my own particular neuroses. But I'm of opinion that anything that helps even for a short time is worthwhile.
Wow, I didn't know how much I needed this very specific story about change in a (sexual) relationship dynamic until I read it. I know it's about more than that but It was very calming to read because I have gone through the same anxieties and I felt so seen.
One of the things I love about reading your essays is how many of my internal processes I see in your stories, and it's weirdly healing.
i feel so so so seen. i always tell my friends that it’s such a struggle to think and move thru life differently, and i never know how to even explain why ONE change in my planned day can send me into a downward spiral so easily, when i “know” its not a big deal and that “normal” people can get over it where as it seems i never can. it can be so debilitating
A thing that fascinates me about how I deal with uncertainty is that I'm far worse about the potential of what can happen, than dealing with whatever actually happens. I won't necessarily be happy about it, but once it does, I usually manage. It's like the fractal-like possibility tree that branches infinitely with every possible permutation gets radically pruned down. In effect stopping you from endlessly traversing the tree and catastrophizing, and thereby drastically reducing its mental load. And heaven knows that in times like these that tree gets mighty heavy. (In addition to having mentally rehearsed the Event helping pre-digest the outcome, which, as much as I dislike the pessimistic saying "prepare for the worst, hope for the best", pretty much encompasses.)
Dealing with a shitshow of an occurence sucks, but as long as it's a Known Thing, it's not an ungraspable infinitely morphing shadow on the ceiling of a nightmare riddled dark night.
Also, I have to cosign the lack and/or difficulty for autistic people to establish relationships contributing to this fear of change. Not limited to the fear itself, but also because the lack of substantive relationships, the grounding effect thereof isn't there. To put it plainly, the future is a whole lot less scary for starters when you're solidly embedded in a social group.
(Lastly, ouch, that part about asking nothing and giving everything in the hopes that you'll be noticed and liked is too dang real.)
Same.
Thank you for writing such a vulnerable piece. I've never felt so seen by anything before, and if I was still capable of crying it would have made me sob (as it is, I have shed 1 tear, which is quite an accomplishment). I felt like I was reading about my own life, except unlike this story, my loss didn't have a happy ending. I'm still clinging to the past, thinking every single day, "I just want things to go back to the way they were". I've accepted a lot of monumental change in my life, most notably the loss of my health and employment due to chronic illness - for some reason I can accept that, but not the loss of the most intense and perfect relationship I've ever had (and of my last anchor/safe person). I don't know if the preconditions exist in my life to be able to accept that particular loss. I will have to think about and probably reread your post a lot.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your anchor. Having a safe person who is willing to grow with me has improved my life immeasurably, and I remember how difficult just about ANYTHING was without it. And how crazy-making it is to face the potential loss of it.
Thanks for this, I’ve struggled with therapists pathologising me for using similar pre-emption coping mechanisms and saying I’m just borrowing misery from the future when I think it’s always done the opposite and let me cope with those feelings in a structured way instead of all at once. I’m done beating myself up for this because opposite action on it is just making me feel worse.
This is a really wonderful post and had me tearing up in a few places. Thank you again ❤️❤️
This hurt my feelings but in a good way. I spoke to my counsellor earlier today about how my need for absolute security and certainty in all situations closes me off from living the life I actually want, but also that it makes sense that I prioritise these things when I grew up chronically ill and neurodivergent, with nothing in my life feeling within my control.
I’m in a good spot now and have been for years, but still find it hard to be vulnerable to risk in any form - my current dilemma is being afraid to adopt a dog I’ve already been fostering (which should be a no-brainer as I love him a lot and he helps me have more beneficial routines, but I think about him eventually dying every day 🙃). I know I will do it, but it feels so overwhelmingly scary.
Our nervous systems have been primed to see unknowns and changes as threats, often with good reason, but it’s frustrating that it’s so hard to switch off in the instances we know it’s not true/helpful.
I really needed to read this tysm Devon 💚
Wow I needed this this morning thank you❤️
I've read a lot of your pieces, but this one made me cry. Very well done.
Got me tearing up over here, so beautifully written ❤️❤️
"The present is precious exactly as it is — not as an unfaithful copy of the past." This is such a beautiful quote ❤️
this hurt so much because I am autistic and needed to read it. thank you.
I so appreciate the depth of this, the realness, the pain and hope. Thank you
Hello. I waited for this piece eagerly and really liked it. I relate to the many things you wrote. Especially thinking about loss often to mitigate its effects. A year ago I really loved Disco Elysium. Harry's experiences and my love for him inspired me to change and pretend I've also experienced a clean slate, that I was living a some kind of post-death. I lived in the present, and looked forward to the future for once, so grateful that I could still live despite having died. Grateful for water, air, food, music, pain and strife. For everything. And because my future was already forfeit, why not just try to be better? It was filled with monumental progress and simultaneously the most peaceful time of my life. It's over now, of course. I don't know if I would recommend such mindset, it can be very destructive in the long-term for short-term gain. And frankly it was very specific to counter my own particular neuroses. But I'm of opinion that anything that helps even for a short time is worthwhile.
This made me cry so hard bc I felt so seen by everything you wrote. Thank you for being so vulnerable & sharing. It meant a lot to me.
Wow, I didn't know how much I needed this very specific story about change in a (sexual) relationship dynamic until I read it. I know it's about more than that but It was very calming to read because I have gone through the same anxieties and I felt so seen.
One of the things I love about reading your essays is how many of my internal processes I see in your stories, and it's weirdly healing.
Thank you again for sharing all of this with us.
i feel so so so seen. i always tell my friends that it’s such a struggle to think and move thru life differently, and i never know how to even explain why ONE change in my planned day can send me into a downward spiral so easily, when i “know” its not a big deal and that “normal” people can get over it where as it seems i never can. it can be so debilitating