Wonderful essay Devon, and thanks so much for the shoutout. As an autistic ADHDer (AuDHD as the kids have so cleverly named it), who is also extremely introverted to the point of nearly (and mostly happily) being a hermit, I *still* need social support and external motivation—I have found for me that virtual body doubling, with a check-in and check-out at the beginning and end, is a perfect balance. We call this “Studio Time” in DDS and have multiple sessions every week.
I also recently did a set of workshops in DDS about so-called “executive functioning” skills, noting, as you have, that they are really only compulsory for people with less power in a relationship — I’m expected to be on time, but my doctor, for whom I wait sometimes hours in a nightmare of a waiting room, is not. Also, anyone who can hire someone to do their executive functioning for them, or better yet get it done free by a spouse or family member (usually a wife or mother), isn’t required to have these “skills” and can be freed up to go make art or design things in non-linear, iterative ways. In the second in that series of workshops, which I called “Enchantment Functioning Skills,” I proposed that when many of those tasks of daily living are shared and valued and can be done without rush, there can be real ritual and community and enchantment in many of them—if you look at monastic life, for example, there is a slow, steady, unrushed rhythm of daily chores and daily prayer, all performed to a set schedule and done in community. It’s actually possible to find folding the laundry a meditative practice when you aren’t already late to a job you hate but can’t survive without.
Thank you for finally explaining this social motivation thing clearly! I'm an AuDHDer with chronic catatonia/autistic inertia, and the most useful insights I've gained about how to make my life actually *work* have been related to harnessing that social motivation and just... largely giving up on trying to be self-motivated in isolation. It doesn't work.
It took a long time for me to figure out though since I'm a habitual loner due to childhood emotional neglect + sensory and social overload have often caused me to shut down in "social" settings that are too loud or have too many (especially unfamiliar) people. So it's still a really difficult path to seek out the right level of companionship and stimulation to keep me capable of moving and initiating action, but at least it's a path that *will work* vs ineffective solutions like meds, individualistic self-help strategies for executive function, or self-blame and shame.
Thank you! I spent years without knowing I was an ADHDer, and felt so much shame because of how my parents and teachers made me feel. I got diagnosed in 2020 and take meds, but learning that it's the system that's the problem, not me, helps so much more!
I want to criticize this, as a person who went by the social model and self-motivation for a long time, until it wasn't enough anymore. Who lived with a friend who provided body doubling / organisation for a lot of my life, which got very complicated when he moved out. And I couldn't actually do enough with him to not still struggle with some things, but enough to delay my problems forever.
I agree that body doubling could replace medication in some cases. However, considering I'm not on ADHD meds and have asked for help, body doubling and the like ... I still have the executive dysfunction. Just because body doubling is an alternative solution, it doesn't mean the dysfunction is not real. In fact, I needed to explicitly go through the medical model not to get meds, but to get a social worker who helps with the body doubling, essentially (and because it's just once a week, it's not enough).
Because independent of social structure - especially with a level of autism that requires some (not too much, but some) support - friends and family (which I have) are not enough to always be there to provide the body doubling. So even in a big family structure like in past history, I would be stuck being called lazy, and would still need to try socializing (difficult) and then organize (difficult) the help I need - even if it's *just* body doubling I need. I essentially need to take other people out of their own lives to help me directly, *unless* it's a professional, by the medical model, whose job is to help me.
Wow! Thank you so much for writing & sharing this! I wanted to highlight so many sections that resonates with me, but right now, this one in particular:
“ADHDers benefit from having an external structure to their days, whether that’s a set schedule maintained by their workplace or school, or by having specific goals and assignments laid out for them, with an external party holding them accountable.”
I’ve tried to ask for hello with how to prioritize tasks, both at my former workplace & also now when I’m having a job coach who’s going to help me in the process of finding a new job. In both cases I don’t feel like I get the help I so desperately need & have tried to communicate & that leads to that my brain in two seconds is like “you should be able to handle this on your own.”
After listening to “Laziness Does Not Exist” & this essay I’m feeling less alone, though & I will keep on trying asking for help.
Wonderful essay Devon, and thanks so much for the shoutout. As an autistic ADHDer (AuDHD as the kids have so cleverly named it), who is also extremely introverted to the point of nearly (and mostly happily) being a hermit, I *still* need social support and external motivation—I have found for me that virtual body doubling, with a check-in and check-out at the beginning and end, is a perfect balance. We call this “Studio Time” in DDS and have multiple sessions every week.
I also recently did a set of workshops in DDS about so-called “executive functioning” skills, noting, as you have, that they are really only compulsory for people with less power in a relationship — I’m expected to be on time, but my doctor, for whom I wait sometimes hours in a nightmare of a waiting room, is not. Also, anyone who can hire someone to do their executive functioning for them, or better yet get it done free by a spouse or family member (usually a wife or mother), isn’t required to have these “skills” and can be freed up to go make art or design things in non-linear, iterative ways. In the second in that series of workshops, which I called “Enchantment Functioning Skills,” I proposed that when many of those tasks of daily living are shared and valued and can be done without rush, there can be real ritual and community and enchantment in many of them—if you look at monastic life, for example, there is a slow, steady, unrushed rhythm of daily chores and daily prayer, all performed to a set schedule and done in community. It’s actually possible to find folding the laundry a meditative practice when you aren’t already late to a job you hate but can’t survive without.
Thank you for finally explaining this social motivation thing clearly! I'm an AuDHDer with chronic catatonia/autistic inertia, and the most useful insights I've gained about how to make my life actually *work* have been related to harnessing that social motivation and just... largely giving up on trying to be self-motivated in isolation. It doesn't work.
It took a long time for me to figure out though since I'm a habitual loner due to childhood emotional neglect + sensory and social overload have often caused me to shut down in "social" settings that are too loud or have too many (especially unfamiliar) people. So it's still a really difficult path to seek out the right level of companionship and stimulation to keep me capable of moving and initiating action, but at least it's a path that *will work* vs ineffective solutions like meds, individualistic self-help strategies for executive function, or self-blame and shame.
Thank you! I spent years without knowing I was an ADHDer, and felt so much shame because of how my parents and teachers made me feel. I got diagnosed in 2020 and take meds, but learning that it's the system that's the problem, not me, helps so much more!
This made me cry and now it makes more sense why I’ve struggled at work so much since the pandemic and wfh after being high achieving my entire life.
This made me cry. As an ADHDer with chronic loneliness issues, I have felt disordered my entire life. And that leads you straight to depression.
Incredible, inspiring, heart-warming.
Aggressively nodding my head over here. Ty for this!!!!
Oh thank you so much for writing this. The reframe of ADHDers as socially motivated is so validating
I want to criticize this, as a person who went by the social model and self-motivation for a long time, until it wasn't enough anymore. Who lived with a friend who provided body doubling / organisation for a lot of my life, which got very complicated when he moved out. And I couldn't actually do enough with him to not still struggle with some things, but enough to delay my problems forever.
I agree that body doubling could replace medication in some cases. However, considering I'm not on ADHD meds and have asked for help, body doubling and the like ... I still have the executive dysfunction. Just because body doubling is an alternative solution, it doesn't mean the dysfunction is not real. In fact, I needed to explicitly go through the medical model not to get meds, but to get a social worker who helps with the body doubling, essentially (and because it's just once a week, it's not enough).
Because independent of social structure - especially with a level of autism that requires some (not too much, but some) support - friends and family (which I have) are not enough to always be there to provide the body doubling. So even in a big family structure like in past history, I would be stuck being called lazy, and would still need to try socializing (difficult) and then organize (difficult) the help I need - even if it's *just* body doubling I need. I essentially need to take other people out of their own lives to help me directly, *unless* it's a professional, by the medical model, whose job is to help me.
Wow! Thank you so much for writing & sharing this! I wanted to highlight so many sections that resonates with me, but right now, this one in particular:
“ADHDers benefit from having an external structure to their days, whether that’s a set schedule maintained by their workplace or school, or by having specific goals and assignments laid out for them, with an external party holding them accountable.”
I’ve tried to ask for hello with how to prioritize tasks, both at my former workplace & also now when I’m having a job coach who’s going to help me in the process of finding a new job. In both cases I don’t feel like I get the help I so desperately need & have tried to communicate & that leads to that my brain in two seconds is like “you should be able to handle this on your own.”
After listening to “Laziness Does Not Exist” & this essay I’m feeling less alone, though & I will keep on trying asking for help.
Body Doubling by Heather Cox Richardson! https://youtu.be/DZ3KtRQgqU4?si=bGkLjlZoESGzSFPy&t=2612