This was a truly wonderful, mind expanding read. I'm not Autistic but as was said in the introduction, the phases referenced, and many of the behaviours and coping strategies outlined, absolutely replicate my journey in understanding my alcoholism and other psychological traits. Thank you for helping me understand myself a bit better, and start my journey in how to be a meaningful ally to the Autistic community.
Resentment and grief are right bastards. Not only are they hard to deal with in and of themselves, because of the pervasive patterns in society new reasons for grief and resentment will be a common occurrence. Staring down the gaping maw of grief is hard enough, having a bunch of different maws lined up should you wrest away from the first is something else entirely.
I yearn for gentle grief. Mine is bombastic and rude 😂 I am happy overall though, but it took wholesale extraction from anything like a "regular" life and yes to all these phases. As our self understanding grows, so does our self connection and advocacy 🙏🏼✨ and that begins to extend to others in meaningful ways. Thanks for this piece. I came across your work just when I was accepting autism as one answer to why I'm the way I am ™️ and you've been a tremendously helpful resource to grow alongside!
Everything you wrote resonates, but this little snippet made me smile, “and even that I enjoy masking to charm people from time to time.” Me too, me too. I’m starting to see this less as masking, and more as some of my natural personality coming out. I can be naturally funny and charming, if I feel safe with you.
I feel like I've been oscillating between all of these phases ever since my diagnosis about two years ago. It's so massively helpful know that it's not just me and to have some guidance on navigating them.
Most people aren't happy the majority of the time. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, like sadness, anger, irritation, and so many of the other messengers that tell us a bit about the situation we are in and what we need. But a life cannot be sustained alone by the hope of endless happiness. Or even contentment. I am not a happy or contented person. I can experience those emotions, but I'm mostly quite fault-finding, critical, antsy, forever on the go. That is okay. I can have a life that is meaningful, interesting, a life with growth, with people I admire around me, and it will have some bursts of happiness in it too, but it's okay if I'm a little depressed and cranky forever. I'm pretty used to that.
I've found my relationship to the past has changed a lot since I started understanding my autism. I have a very good memory so it's all still the, but I feel much less connected to a lot of it now. I've let go of so many things I was trying to do, both personally and academically/professionally that there just doesn't seem to be much there to care about.
It can be strange to talk to friends from those times, trying to honestly express my lack of nostalgia without making it seem like I don't care about them.
Recognising myself in all these phases over the past 3 years of autistic self discovery and unmasking. Your writing makes the unbearable more bearable and understandable... thank you.
I discuss this a bit more in replies to other comments, but, in short: I never have been happy, and I've been able to lead a worthwhile, interesting life all the same. I think that white, western culture in particular conditions people to view happiness as a permanent state to which they are entitled, and this entitlement makes many of us incredibly fragile to the inevitable difficulties of life. I have found it's far more useful and realistic to expect myself to feel prepared, curious, and interested.
This is such a helpful article. It's helped me understand so much of what I'm going through at the moment. I'm in a really complicated mess of grief and obsessing about my identity at the moment. I've ended up being diagnosed with ME this year on top of finding out I'm autistic two years ago. I'm 90% sure the ME is a result of the damage I've done to my body from forcing myself to pretend to be a normal person for nearly 40 years. Coming to terms with the physical as well as the neurological disability is making everything 100 times harder. I'm on the point of giving up at the moment because I can't see how I can rebuild my life into something that is meaningful and worthwhile.
thank you for this. my only question is where is the phase where you feel fucking awful for how ableist you yourself were. 😅
reading this was so validating, thank you for your work <3
This was a truly wonderful, mind expanding read. I'm not Autistic but as was said in the introduction, the phases referenced, and many of the behaviours and coping strategies outlined, absolutely replicate my journey in understanding my alcoholism and other psychological traits. Thank you for helping me understand myself a bit better, and start my journey in how to be a meaningful ally to the Autistic community.
Sent this to a couple of therapists and a couple of friends— very valuable resource! Thanks Devon 😊
Resentment and grief are right bastards. Not only are they hard to deal with in and of themselves, because of the pervasive patterns in society new reasons for grief and resentment will be a common occurrence. Staring down the gaping maw of grief is hard enough, having a bunch of different maws lined up should you wrest away from the first is something else entirely.
Incredible, valuable work —thank you!
I yearn for gentle grief. Mine is bombastic and rude 😂 I am happy overall though, but it took wholesale extraction from anything like a "regular" life and yes to all these phases. As our self understanding grows, so does our self connection and advocacy 🙏🏼✨ and that begins to extend to others in meaningful ways. Thanks for this piece. I came across your work just when I was accepting autism as one answer to why I'm the way I am ™️ and you've been a tremendously helpful resource to grow alongside!
These words stretched my brain in the most humbling and nourishing ways. All.The.Feels. Thank you, thank you!!
Everything you wrote resonates, but this little snippet made me smile, “and even that I enjoy masking to charm people from time to time.” Me too, me too. I’m starting to see this less as masking, and more as some of my natural personality coming out. I can be naturally funny and charming, if I feel safe with you.
I feel like I've been oscillating between all of these phases ever since my diagnosis about two years ago. It's so massively helpful know that it's not just me and to have some guidance on navigating them.
Thank you for this 🙏🏼 I think I’m in the middle of a massive grieving phase…
Can you say more about accepting you’ll never be happy? That really struck me and honestly terrifies me to have that thought about myself.
Most people aren't happy the majority of the time. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, like sadness, anger, irritation, and so many of the other messengers that tell us a bit about the situation we are in and what we need. But a life cannot be sustained alone by the hope of endless happiness. Or even contentment. I am not a happy or contented person. I can experience those emotions, but I'm mostly quite fault-finding, critical, antsy, forever on the go. That is okay. I can have a life that is meaningful, interesting, a life with growth, with people I admire around me, and it will have some bursts of happiness in it too, but it's okay if I'm a little depressed and cranky forever. I'm pretty used to that.
Found this terrifying too! I wonder if it means 'consistently happy'?
I've found my relationship to the past has changed a lot since I started understanding my autism. I have a very good memory so it's all still the, but I feel much less connected to a lot of it now. I've let go of so many things I was trying to do, both personally and academically/professionally that there just doesn't seem to be much there to care about.
It can be strange to talk to friends from those times, trying to honestly express my lack of nostalgia without making it seem like I don't care about them.
Recognising myself in all these phases over the past 3 years of autistic self discovery and unmasking. Your writing makes the unbearable more bearable and understandable... thank you.
I find myself going through these stages as a parent to autistic children AND as a late-realized autistic person. It all gets a bit tangled together!
"I know myself well enough to accept that I won’t ever be happy"- can you elaborate on how you came to that conclusion or realization?
I discuss this a bit more in replies to other comments, but, in short: I never have been happy, and I've been able to lead a worthwhile, interesting life all the same. I think that white, western culture in particular conditions people to view happiness as a permanent state to which they are entitled, and this entitlement makes many of us incredibly fragile to the inevitable difficulties of life. I have found it's far more useful and realistic to expect myself to feel prepared, curious, and interested.
This is such a helpful article. It's helped me understand so much of what I'm going through at the moment. I'm in a really complicated mess of grief and obsessing about my identity at the moment. I've ended up being diagnosed with ME this year on top of finding out I'm autistic two years ago. I'm 90% sure the ME is a result of the damage I've done to my body from forcing myself to pretend to be a normal person for nearly 40 years. Coming to terms with the physical as well as the neurological disability is making everything 100 times harder. I'm on the point of giving up at the moment because I can't see how I can rebuild my life into something that is meaningful and worthwhile.