This was a truly wonderful, mind expanding read. I'm not Autistic but as was said in the introduction, the phases referenced, and many of the behaviours and coping strategies outlined, absolutely replicate my journey in understanding my alcoholism and other psychological traits. Thank you for helping me understand myself a bit better, and start my journey in how to be a meaningful ally to the Autistic community.
Resentment and grief are right bastards. Not only are they hard to deal with in and of themselves, because of the pervasive patterns in society new reasons for grief and resentment will be a common occurrence. Staring down the gaping maw of grief is hard enough, having a bunch of different maws lined up should you wrest away from the first is something else entirely.
I yearn for gentle grief. Mine is bombastic and rude 😂 I am happy overall though, but it took wholesale extraction from anything like a "regular" life and yes to all these phases. As our self understanding grows, so does our self connection and advocacy 🙏🏼✨ and that begins to extend to others in meaningful ways. Thanks for this piece. I came across your work just when I was accepting autism as one answer to why I'm the way I am ™️ and you've been a tremendously helpful resource to grow alongside!
I feel like I've been oscillating between all of these phases ever since my diagnosis about two years ago. It's so massively helpful know that it's not just me and to have some guidance on navigating them.
I've found my relationship to the past has changed a lot since I started understanding my autism. I have a very good memory so it's all still the, but I feel much less connected to a lot of it now. I've let go of so many things I was trying to do, both personally and academically/professionally that there just doesn't seem to be much there to care about.
It can be strange to talk to friends from those times, trying to honestly express my lack of nostalgia without making it seem like I don't care about them.
Recognising myself in all these phases over the past 3 years of autistic self discovery and unmasking. Your writing makes the unbearable more bearable and understandable... thank you.
Most people aren't happy the majority of the time. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, like sadness, anger, irritation, and so many of the other messengers that tell us a bit about the situation we are in and what we need. But a life cannot be sustained alone by the hope of endless happiness. Or even contentment. I am not a happy or contented person. I can experience those emotions, but I'm mostly quite fault-finding, critical, antsy, forever on the go. That is okay. I can have a life that is meaningful, interesting, a life with growth, with people I admire around me, and it will have some bursts of happiness in it too, but it's okay if I'm a little depressed and cranky forever. I'm pretty used to that.
Such powerful, clear thinking and communication. Thank you. And perfect timing... Since stopping SSRIs, which were essentially working to suppress/mask/whatever autistic traits (side note: have you ever talked about how autistic people are misprescribed antidepressants?), I've been hit by grief and anger (endless cycles of doubt have always been there) and wanting to talk to other late diagnosed people to see if they experienced it. So this has really helped, as I now know that my instinct, to try to accept these "negative" emotions as useful and necessary, was correct. As indeed was my instinct that the only way I'd move forward with understanding and processing my late ND diagnosis was without pills flatlining all my emotions. It's not much fun wondering how different some things might have been if I'd known in my teens or early 20s what I know now about myself in be really 50s. But I embrace that grief and loss though. I have to ❤️
I've considered writing more about psychopharmaceuticals, but unfortunately when you point out that in fact most antidepressants are misprescribed for *most people* (because we don't even know how they work, and statistically they don't actually work for most people), you get a lot of very incensed reactions from people who think you're trying to critique their use of substances. I think a good starting point is my article "Toward an Informed Consent Model for All Drugs."
Thanks for this. I feel like I'm in the self discovery phase getting towards self-advocacy, but it brings up a lot of anger about society and sadness (or grief?) about not being able to find things/activities that bring joy or people i feel like I can connect with
thank you for this. my only question is where is the phase where you feel fucking awful for how ableist you yourself were. 😅
reading this was so validating, thank you for your work <3
This was a truly wonderful, mind expanding read. I'm not Autistic but as was said in the introduction, the phases referenced, and many of the behaviours and coping strategies outlined, absolutely replicate my journey in understanding my alcoholism and other psychological traits. Thank you for helping me understand myself a bit better, and start my journey in how to be a meaningful ally to the Autistic community.
Sent this to a couple of therapists and a couple of friends— very valuable resource! Thanks Devon 😊
Resentment and grief are right bastards. Not only are they hard to deal with in and of themselves, because of the pervasive patterns in society new reasons for grief and resentment will be a common occurrence. Staring down the gaping maw of grief is hard enough, having a bunch of different maws lined up should you wrest away from the first is something else entirely.
Incredible, valuable work —thank you!
I yearn for gentle grief. Mine is bombastic and rude 😂 I am happy overall though, but it took wholesale extraction from anything like a "regular" life and yes to all these phases. As our self understanding grows, so does our self connection and advocacy 🙏🏼✨ and that begins to extend to others in meaningful ways. Thanks for this piece. I came across your work just when I was accepting autism as one answer to why I'm the way I am ™️ and you've been a tremendously helpful resource to grow alongside!
These words stretched my brain in the most humbling and nourishing ways. All.The.Feels. Thank you, thank you!!
I feel like I've been oscillating between all of these phases ever since my diagnosis about two years ago. It's so massively helpful know that it's not just me and to have some guidance on navigating them.
I've found my relationship to the past has changed a lot since I started understanding my autism. I have a very good memory so it's all still the, but I feel much less connected to a lot of it now. I've let go of so many things I was trying to do, both personally and academically/professionally that there just doesn't seem to be much there to care about.
It can be strange to talk to friends from those times, trying to honestly express my lack of nostalgia without making it seem like I don't care about them.
Recognising myself in all these phases over the past 3 years of autistic self discovery and unmasking. Your writing makes the unbearable more bearable and understandable... thank you.
Thank you for this 🙏🏼 I think I’m in the middle of a massive grieving phase…
Can you say more about accepting you’ll never be happy? That really struck me and honestly terrifies me to have that thought about myself.
Most people aren't happy the majority of the time. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, like sadness, anger, irritation, and so many of the other messengers that tell us a bit about the situation we are in and what we need. But a life cannot be sustained alone by the hope of endless happiness. Or even contentment. I am not a happy or contented person. I can experience those emotions, but I'm mostly quite fault-finding, critical, antsy, forever on the go. That is okay. I can have a life that is meaningful, interesting, a life with growth, with people I admire around me, and it will have some bursts of happiness in it too, but it's okay if I'm a little depressed and cranky forever. I'm pretty used to that.
Found this terrifying too! I wonder if it means 'consistently happy'?
Such powerful, clear thinking and communication. Thank you. And perfect timing... Since stopping SSRIs, which were essentially working to suppress/mask/whatever autistic traits (side note: have you ever talked about how autistic people are misprescribed antidepressants?), I've been hit by grief and anger (endless cycles of doubt have always been there) and wanting to talk to other late diagnosed people to see if they experienced it. So this has really helped, as I now know that my instinct, to try to accept these "negative" emotions as useful and necessary, was correct. As indeed was my instinct that the only way I'd move forward with understanding and processing my late ND diagnosis was without pills flatlining all my emotions. It's not much fun wondering how different some things might have been if I'd known in my teens or early 20s what I know now about myself in be really 50s. But I embrace that grief and loss though. I have to ❤️
I've considered writing more about psychopharmaceuticals, but unfortunately when you point out that in fact most antidepressants are misprescribed for *most people* (because we don't even know how they work, and statistically they don't actually work for most people), you get a lot of very incensed reactions from people who think you're trying to critique their use of substances. I think a good starting point is my article "Toward an Informed Consent Model for All Drugs."
Thanks for this. I feel like I'm in the self discovery phase getting towards self-advocacy, but it brings up a lot of anger about society and sadness (or grief?) about not being able to find things/activities that bring joy or people i feel like I can connect with
I find myself going through these stages as a parent to autistic children AND as a late-realized autistic person. It all gets a bit tangled together!
"I know myself well enough to accept that I won’t ever be happy"- can you elaborate on how you came to that conclusion or realization?