Oh hey that's me at the end! Happy to report I'm a much more honest and open communicator w my fellow disabled nesting partner and we navigate stuff pretty similarly to the solutions described. Paper plates, reducing expectations of what clean is, outsourcing labor when shit hits the fan and neither of us have the spoons. It is possible friends
This is a great unpacking of all these overlapping issues - thank you! One thing I would add is that the social cost of uncleanliness is often not evenly distributed (see studies like this one which found that both women and men see mess as worse when they see it as a women’s mess: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0049124119852395). The question of where to compromise on standards is really important, but I have been frustrated by having men say that the women in their lives are too fussy without any self-reflection on what might trigger that “fussiness”.
Thank you so much for this article. It came at the perfect time for me, as I'm navigating being the disabled caregiver to my disabled teen. Our inability to honestly communicate our needs, our mutual trauma, shutdown, guilt, shame and probably multiple other kinds of BS given us by capitalism/patriarcy/ablism has multiplied our inability to cope by what feels like 1000% It has helped me to let go so much of what other people expect of me and the unwritten laws/rules of how you are expected to be. Now I just need to have the discussion with my kid about how we can mutually work together to survive. Much love to you Devon for all your words. It is saving my life right now.
This is so hard from inside a bootstrap mentality. I'm ok now, but when I was street homeless, this idea got so warped. There is so much shame and punishment for asking for help. You get shamed for asking, for taking what is offered, for not taking, for sharing it with others, for asking if it meets my disability or dietary needs before I take it... any combination or permutation I could think of, the culture out there on the streets just didn't allow me to see this truth for myself until I was back in a slightly more privleged state (housed, recovery/sobriety, and Medicaid in my case)
One of the subtexts that strikes me from this article is that we need to focus less criticism on when we fail, and give more attention to the question of how we fail. Eg Do we
1. admit when we leave people hanging and talk it through?
2. express genuine gratitude for others' efforts?
3. practice forgiveness?
4. openly welcome exploration of solutions, options?
Another thought this piece prompted is, how could an assets/strengths-based approach change the dynamic? Ie, instead of focusing on what we can't do, let's see where an honest inventory of what we can do leaves us?
Freshly off of a neuroqueer breakup, and your writing is a refuge. So many of the themes in our relationship have come up in the past few weeks. Really feeling this "if we are going to rethink our relationship to household labor, we have to be able to talk openly about what we need and what rankles us, and to hear what our housemates have to say. And this is often where the negotiation breaks down."
Thanks for writing this, it's given me a lot to think about. I'm a disabled and neurodivergant nonbinary person living with an also neurodivergant husband. I struggle a lot with chores, especially dishes, and very much struggle with the motivation to do stuff around the house. I feel bad sometimes about how much load my husband carries. But when I do get into the right mood and have enough spoons I'm capable of hovering the entire house in one go or spending a whole weekend gardening. It's the all or nothing nature of my chore ability that I worry looks like just slacking. I like to hope we communicate well and my husband insists he doesn't mind needing to look after me, I mostly just have to deal with a lot of internal guilt.
My one experience of living with roommates as a student very much involved a lot of passive aggressive leaving of dishes on the part of myself and my roommates, and a lot of advantage taking. I was the first person to move in to the house because of being at a different college with a different term start which meant I had to get all the bills set up in my name and other people then conveniently running out of money at the end of the month to pay me their share. My terror of conflict meant I just sucked it up most of the time. It left me with a terror of ever having to live with roommates again. I'm fucked if anything happens to my husband because I couldn't afford to live alone but there's no way I could cope with living with other people.
I have one question, is it still okay to use hacks like using paper plates if you suck at washing dishes? I feel like it would solve a lot of my kitchen issues but I also have friends who would consider it some kind of ecological vandalism if they ever found out I was using disposable kitchenware. They're the kind of people who take reusable cutlery to fast food places so they don't need to use disposable. I already feel super guilty about the amount of extra plastic waste I generate through all the meds I need to take. How do you get round the guilt (both internal and externally put on you by others) of needing hacks that rely on environmental destruction or unequal labour/exploitation (eg needing to buy stuff from Amazon that is probably produced by slaves in the global south because it's the only way you can afford to buy what you need)
It really strikes me how the article's point about honest communication applies to your situation.
Have you considered sharing exactly what you wrote in your comment with your friends? Letting them know that managing your kitchen is a real struggle due to your disability, and that paper plates (or help) are essential for you?
If they are truly your friends, or even just kind individuals, shouldn't they be able to hear about your challenges without immediately criticizing you?
Of course, they also have the right to their own feelings and boundaries. Perhaps their dedication to minimizing plastic waste is so fundamental that they can't reconcile it with your use of disposable items, and you might need to consider an amicable parting of ways.
But what if they surprised you? What if they were not only understanding but actually eager to help? Maybe they'd be happy to pitch in with the dishes weekly, or assist you in researching more eco-conscious disposable alternatives. They'd get to support you while also living out their values.
If you feel like you can't have an open and honest conversation with your friends about this, isn't the core issue the impact these friendships are having on your quality of life, rather than you being an environmentally irresponsible person?
Imagine a friend of yours refusing a necessary disability accommodation because they feared your judgment. Would that make you feel good? Would you value guilting them about their shopping habits over their well-being? Or would your instinct be to offer compassion, support where possible, and respect their needs when you can't directly help?
That's a good point, thank you. I'd just been thinking about how to deal with the guilt myself but I hadn't really thought about talking to my friends about it.
Thank you so much for this article. A relationship I valued highly ended because of this very issue and the lack of honest communication around it. I really appreciate your sensitivity and thoughtfully nuanced take.
Just wanted to say how much I really appreciate this essay/column! I've had a few nightmares scenarios with group living and your work touches on the fears I've seen or heard friends seen. I'll be thinking about this for years to come and will pass along those tier lists and general tips to anyone I know who's having issues.
Oh hey that's me at the end! Happy to report I'm a much more honest and open communicator w my fellow disabled nesting partner and we navigate stuff pretty similarly to the solutions described. Paper plates, reducing expectations of what clean is, outsourcing labor when shit hits the fan and neither of us have the spoons. It is possible friends
This is a great unpacking of all these overlapping issues - thank you! One thing I would add is that the social cost of uncleanliness is often not evenly distributed (see studies like this one which found that both women and men see mess as worse when they see it as a women’s mess: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0049124119852395). The question of where to compromise on standards is really important, but I have been frustrated by having men say that the women in their lives are too fussy without any self-reflection on what might trigger that “fussiness”.
Thank you so much for this article. It came at the perfect time for me, as I'm navigating being the disabled caregiver to my disabled teen. Our inability to honestly communicate our needs, our mutual trauma, shutdown, guilt, shame and probably multiple other kinds of BS given us by capitalism/patriarcy/ablism has multiplied our inability to cope by what feels like 1000% It has helped me to let go so much of what other people expect of me and the unwritten laws/rules of how you are expected to be. Now I just need to have the discussion with my kid about how we can mutually work together to survive. Much love to you Devon for all your words. It is saving my life right now.
This is so hard from inside a bootstrap mentality. I'm ok now, but when I was street homeless, this idea got so warped. There is so much shame and punishment for asking for help. You get shamed for asking, for taking what is offered, for not taking, for sharing it with others, for asking if it meets my disability or dietary needs before I take it... any combination or permutation I could think of, the culture out there on the streets just didn't allow me to see this truth for myself until I was back in a slightly more privleged state (housed, recovery/sobriety, and Medicaid in my case)
One of the subtexts that strikes me from this article is that we need to focus less criticism on when we fail, and give more attention to the question of how we fail. Eg Do we
1. admit when we leave people hanging and talk it through?
2. express genuine gratitude for others' efforts?
3. practice forgiveness?
4. openly welcome exploration of solutions, options?
Another thought this piece prompted is, how could an assets/strengths-based approach change the dynamic? Ie, instead of focusing on what we can't do, let's see where an honest inventory of what we can do leaves us?
Freshly off of a neuroqueer breakup, and your writing is a refuge. So many of the themes in our relationship have come up in the past few weeks. Really feeling this "if we are going to rethink our relationship to household labor, we have to be able to talk openly about what we need and what rankles us, and to hear what our housemates have to say. And this is often where the negotiation breaks down."
That was such a good read. Thank you for putting all this into words, very relevant to me.
Thank you for this post SO MUCH. I am sharing this with my whole polycule RIGHT AWAY.
Thanks for writing this, it's given me a lot to think about. I'm a disabled and neurodivergant nonbinary person living with an also neurodivergant husband. I struggle a lot with chores, especially dishes, and very much struggle with the motivation to do stuff around the house. I feel bad sometimes about how much load my husband carries. But when I do get into the right mood and have enough spoons I'm capable of hovering the entire house in one go or spending a whole weekend gardening. It's the all or nothing nature of my chore ability that I worry looks like just slacking. I like to hope we communicate well and my husband insists he doesn't mind needing to look after me, I mostly just have to deal with a lot of internal guilt.
My one experience of living with roommates as a student very much involved a lot of passive aggressive leaving of dishes on the part of myself and my roommates, and a lot of advantage taking. I was the first person to move in to the house because of being at a different college with a different term start which meant I had to get all the bills set up in my name and other people then conveniently running out of money at the end of the month to pay me their share. My terror of conflict meant I just sucked it up most of the time. It left me with a terror of ever having to live with roommates again. I'm fucked if anything happens to my husband because I couldn't afford to live alone but there's no way I could cope with living with other people.
I have one question, is it still okay to use hacks like using paper plates if you suck at washing dishes? I feel like it would solve a lot of my kitchen issues but I also have friends who would consider it some kind of ecological vandalism if they ever found out I was using disposable kitchenware. They're the kind of people who take reusable cutlery to fast food places so they don't need to use disposable. I already feel super guilty about the amount of extra plastic waste I generate through all the meds I need to take. How do you get round the guilt (both internal and externally put on you by others) of needing hacks that rely on environmental destruction or unequal labour/exploitation (eg needing to buy stuff from Amazon that is probably produced by slaves in the global south because it's the only way you can afford to buy what you need)
It really strikes me how the article's point about honest communication applies to your situation.
Have you considered sharing exactly what you wrote in your comment with your friends? Letting them know that managing your kitchen is a real struggle due to your disability, and that paper plates (or help) are essential for you?
If they are truly your friends, or even just kind individuals, shouldn't they be able to hear about your challenges without immediately criticizing you?
Of course, they also have the right to their own feelings and boundaries. Perhaps their dedication to minimizing plastic waste is so fundamental that they can't reconcile it with your use of disposable items, and you might need to consider an amicable parting of ways.
But what if they surprised you? What if they were not only understanding but actually eager to help? Maybe they'd be happy to pitch in with the dishes weekly, or assist you in researching more eco-conscious disposable alternatives. They'd get to support you while also living out their values.
If you feel like you can't have an open and honest conversation with your friends about this, isn't the core issue the impact these friendships are having on your quality of life, rather than you being an environmentally irresponsible person?
Imagine a friend of yours refusing a necessary disability accommodation because they feared your judgment. Would that make you feel good? Would you value guilting them about their shopping habits over their well-being? Or would your instinct be to offer compassion, support where possible, and respect their needs when you can't directly help?
That's a good point, thank you. I'd just been thinking about how to deal with the guilt myself but I hadn't really thought about talking to my friends about it.
Thank you so much for this article. A relationship I valued highly ended because of this very issue and the lack of honest communication around it. I really appreciate your sensitivity and thoughtfully nuanced take.
Just wanted to say how much I really appreciate this essay/column! I've had a few nightmares scenarios with group living and your work touches on the fears I've seen or heard friends seen. I'll be thinking about this for years to come and will pass along those tier lists and general tips to anyone I know who's having issues.
This is very thoughtful and nuanced, thank you
Thank you for writing this. It has found me exactly when I need it x
This is super helpful! Thank you!