Great details. The questioner really needs to be mindful of trans chaser culture. And safety. Most of us transitioning are so fragile during the first couple of years and confidence grows slowly. Being a fetish hook up can leave a trans person feeling degraded. They can say they are trans allies and understanding, but still carry programming that proves otherwise. And that unfortunately might bear itself out later. There is no way to know until you spend enough time with someone, but many do not make that investment. But at least they can sort things out for better outcomes (with advice like you are giving). So glad you covered that.
Also, gay male cruising is at times brutal. Be mindful of that. Sorry to stereotype but a lot of gay men are going to be a sharp contrast to the lesbian women you were familiar with. They are aggressive. Before my ongoing re-transitioning (MtF) I was essentially presenting as your everyday cis hetero male. Hiding out. I was stuck in a male body and made the best of it. The men I got with provided hot male sex. It was good (and there was a multi-month bipolar hypersexuality summer were I went wild and boy did I take some stupid chances. Which thankfully worked out and was very satisfying). Meeting online for gay encounters gave me an outlet. And my experience, except for one cis hetero woman, was with all gay males. But I hated it. It was not me. They were interested in gay hook up culture. Not the hetero man-woman romance model that was in the back of my mind (so that was my fault). And perhaps my not being noticeably transitioned enough was part of the problem. So I kind of cannot blame them. But mentally they were with a female. Sexually, I always was. So I was the fake. My (hetero) attraction to men on an emotional level was not confirmed by these experiences. I was kidding myself, and never savvy enough to figure things out. I denied so much of myself that I did not know what I wanted or how I even felt about relationships, sexuality, and what I wanted in life. Until I just stopped and faced who I really am. There was stop and start trans micro dosing and finally adding a new femme bias to my presentation. Then in time I was fully involved in (re)transitioning (2.5 years now). But any emotional connection and respect for my trans femme-ness was kind of lost on the gay males. That is the only way it ever worked. So sex or dating stopped me. Now it's different. This is all new now. What a long messy journey. Which was not necessary. Finally, It will be OK I think.
Oh my god, absolutely. Gay male hookup culture is very particular, and it has its appeal for certain people and not others. I LOVE that gay men will state their sexual desires outright and that it's possible to find a connection almost immediately without much social performance, but if someone is looking to date or slowly get to know a partner, that world is highly alienating. How much tenderness you get out of a hook-up partner in the gay male world is also highly dependent upon how they see you and whether or not they value you as a person, and transmisogyny absolutely figures into that. I'm glad you have started to find what works better for you, and I hope you find partners who will be romantic and caring toward you from here on out!
Thank you again Devon for a well written article and response. Actually writing my comment today really sparked a lot of thinking about my past and current situation. But I will just agree once again that it is important for transitioning people to sort out what they really want. And that can be challenging when we are at the beginning or in the middle of progress on where we hope to later find ourselves. Even so, we are bound to make mistakes as you said. The least we can do is educate ourselves for the benefit of everyone involved. Being open to new possibilities or even changes in our sexual orientation / desires is a good idea. We often start with a solid and even inflexible vision of exactly how it's going to be when we look a ahead two or three years. But there's nothing saying it will stay that way. And I'm glad you address that pleasant uncertainty. You're writing gives us a number of useful quotes and gems that help us sort things out. Our bodies change and the way we perceive ourselves will change. And transitioning is also a (positive and pleasant) cultural shift which really surprised me. I told you I'm attracted to males sexually. I was from my early teens. Always have been. I'm wired that way. But also you can see my profile displays the trans lesbian flag. My ex girlfriend called me today. She is a fully transitioned trans woman. We had a frank conversation and I am willing to cautiously try to fix things. So we will see. The good thing is that I have sorted out my queerness over the last year or two. And I am nothing like the person I described in the original comment of mine. I've read some of your articles in recent times with great interest. I value frank, mature, sensible discussion and offerings regarding sensitive topics. And I hope to explore more of what you've written later on. So you have a new subscriber. Thanks - Kenzie
Ah thank you Kenzie! Really glad to read your comments. Transition really does shift our self-concepts and how we relate to partners and our own bodies and it can be a wonderful discovery. Hope things work out with your ex!
I think about this a lot, and I landed on a few important points for myself:
1. Will I ever actually be "finished"? Probably not. I'll always find some new way I could use change, either physically, mentally, or spiritually. I don't really expect to let myself plateau, and one day when I'm too old to work on these things as intensely, I'll be changing in less voluntary ways that will still require patience and consideration from others. May as well live in the present.
2. Do I benefit by putting even more weight on passing? I already think I suffer enough anxiety and self-consciousness without putting additional freedoms I'd like to enjoy behind that gate.
3. Am I just rationalizing why it's okay for me to not feel like dating right now? In which case, I need to unpack why I feel the need to do this. Ex: Having reduced testosterone has made me less _thirsty_, but is that such a bad thing? I don't think so, but I have some shame about it anyway.
I think a resurgence of soirees would be a great way to know who to date. Hold gatherings of say 8 people and have a dinner or refreshments and maybe a topic to discuss. Hold these gatherings on a regular basis say once a month (could be at different people's places), once in three months or whatever floats one's boat. The idea of choosing someone from a two-dimensional surface isn't working.
Great details. The questioner really needs to be mindful of trans chaser culture. And safety. Most of us transitioning are so fragile during the first couple of years and confidence grows slowly. Being a fetish hook up can leave a trans person feeling degraded. They can say they are trans allies and understanding, but still carry programming that proves otherwise. And that unfortunately might bear itself out later. There is no way to know until you spend enough time with someone, but many do not make that investment. But at least they can sort things out for better outcomes (with advice like you are giving). So glad you covered that.
Also, gay male cruising is at times brutal. Be mindful of that. Sorry to stereotype but a lot of gay men are going to be a sharp contrast to the lesbian women you were familiar with. They are aggressive. Before my ongoing re-transitioning (MtF) I was essentially presenting as your everyday cis hetero male. Hiding out. I was stuck in a male body and made the best of it. The men I got with provided hot male sex. It was good (and there was a multi-month bipolar hypersexuality summer were I went wild and boy did I take some stupid chances. Which thankfully worked out and was very satisfying). Meeting online for gay encounters gave me an outlet. And my experience, except for one cis hetero woman, was with all gay males. But I hated it. It was not me. They were interested in gay hook up culture. Not the hetero man-woman romance model that was in the back of my mind (so that was my fault). And perhaps my not being noticeably transitioned enough was part of the problem. So I kind of cannot blame them. But mentally they were with a female. Sexually, I always was. So I was the fake. My (hetero) attraction to men on an emotional level was not confirmed by these experiences. I was kidding myself, and never savvy enough to figure things out. I denied so much of myself that I did not know what I wanted or how I even felt about relationships, sexuality, and what I wanted in life. Until I just stopped and faced who I really am. There was stop and start trans micro dosing and finally adding a new femme bias to my presentation. Then in time I was fully involved in (re)transitioning (2.5 years now). But any emotional connection and respect for my trans femme-ness was kind of lost on the gay males. That is the only way it ever worked. So sex or dating stopped me. Now it's different. This is all new now. What a long messy journey. Which was not necessary. Finally, It will be OK I think.
Oh my god, absolutely. Gay male hookup culture is very particular, and it has its appeal for certain people and not others. I LOVE that gay men will state their sexual desires outright and that it's possible to find a connection almost immediately without much social performance, but if someone is looking to date or slowly get to know a partner, that world is highly alienating. How much tenderness you get out of a hook-up partner in the gay male world is also highly dependent upon how they see you and whether or not they value you as a person, and transmisogyny absolutely figures into that. I'm glad you have started to find what works better for you, and I hope you find partners who will be romantic and caring toward you from here on out!
Thank you again Devon for a well written article and response. Actually writing my comment today really sparked a lot of thinking about my past and current situation. But I will just agree once again that it is important for transitioning people to sort out what they really want. And that can be challenging when we are at the beginning or in the middle of progress on where we hope to later find ourselves. Even so, we are bound to make mistakes as you said. The least we can do is educate ourselves for the benefit of everyone involved. Being open to new possibilities or even changes in our sexual orientation / desires is a good idea. We often start with a solid and even inflexible vision of exactly how it's going to be when we look a ahead two or three years. But there's nothing saying it will stay that way. And I'm glad you address that pleasant uncertainty. You're writing gives us a number of useful quotes and gems that help us sort things out. Our bodies change and the way we perceive ourselves will change. And transitioning is also a (positive and pleasant) cultural shift which really surprised me. I told you I'm attracted to males sexually. I was from my early teens. Always have been. I'm wired that way. But also you can see my profile displays the trans lesbian flag. My ex girlfriend called me today. She is a fully transitioned trans woman. We had a frank conversation and I am willing to cautiously try to fix things. So we will see. The good thing is that I have sorted out my queerness over the last year or two. And I am nothing like the person I described in the original comment of mine. I've read some of your articles in recent times with great interest. I value frank, mature, sensible discussion and offerings regarding sensitive topics. And I hope to explore more of what you've written later on. So you have a new subscriber. Thanks - Kenzie
❤️🌞🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️⚧️
Ah thank you Kenzie! Really glad to read your comments. Transition really does shift our self-concepts and how we relate to partners and our own bodies and it can be a wonderful discovery. Hope things work out with your ex!
I think about this a lot, and I landed on a few important points for myself:
1. Will I ever actually be "finished"? Probably not. I'll always find some new way I could use change, either physically, mentally, or spiritually. I don't really expect to let myself plateau, and one day when I'm too old to work on these things as intensely, I'll be changing in less voluntary ways that will still require patience and consideration from others. May as well live in the present.
2. Do I benefit by putting even more weight on passing? I already think I suffer enough anxiety and self-consciousness without putting additional freedoms I'd like to enjoy behind that gate.
3. Am I just rationalizing why it's okay for me to not feel like dating right now? In which case, I need to unpack why I feel the need to do this. Ex: Having reduced testosterone has made me less _thirsty_, but is that such a bad thing? I don't think so, but I have some shame about it anyway.
I think a resurgence of soirees would be a great way to know who to date. Hold gatherings of say 8 people and have a dinner or refreshments and maybe a topic to discuss. Hold these gatherings on a regular basis say once a month (could be at different people's places), once in three months or whatever floats one's boat. The idea of choosing someone from a two-dimensional surface isn't working.