Very compelling. It’s beautiful how you start this piece in those horrifying, frozen moments and gradually melt us into the warmth of unified liberation.
Oh, one other comment. You condemned yourself for freezing when sexualized by ciswomen. I'm sure you know that there are four basic responses to threats: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You chose one of them, probably because it felt safest. It may well have BEEN the safest of the four.
There is actually at least one other response possible for humans: make a joke of it. (If you wanted to make it a fifth f-term, it might be "fool around", or "fuck around" or "play the fool.") Some people are good at doing that, even spontaneously; others are not. You may not be. I used not to be at all good at spontaneous jokes, though I'm far better at it now. At this point, I might be inclined to make a dramatic, sweeping bow (yes, really), and say something like, "Thank you ever so much, my lady, but truly I don't deserve you." Depending on how frightened/threatened I felt, the last bit might be, "...but you're far too good for me." That feels a little safer. If I felt centred and confident, the last part might be, "...but you're too good to be doing this," followed by a willingness to tell her how it feels and how similar it is to the sort of harassment she's probably experienced, if she seems open to actual conversation -- and of course if you feel open to that conversation too.
I offer this not because it would necessarily work -- for you or for me -- but because it might be useful to you to think up beforehand a few jokes to use if/when you're subjected to unwanted sexual attention again.
Thank you for putting words to, and helping make sense of, my experience... and food for thought for even more.
(I am, I think, so accustomed to various forms of predation that when cis male colleagues treat me like a person, I feel like I'm being treated differently and I don't understand the rules of engagement. I AM being treated differently, but it's not different to other people, it's different than what I'm accustomed to. Holy cow. This is huge and is going to take some digesting. Thank you.)
"I’ve been stewing on my draft for months, wondering if sharing what happened is warranted."
Yes, yes, and also yes.
Partway through reading this article, I intended to post a comment with what I suspect is the explanation for the two Black teenage girls chasing you down the street with stereotypical male-type abuse of women. Later I realized that you do understand it in much the same way I do, although you used different words to explain it. I'll post my explanation anyway, in case reading someone else saying much the same thing in a different way is (I hope) useful or validating.
I believe the two girls (I call them girls because they were apparently not adult women) had experienced this same sort of harassment themselves from men. They felt angry and resentful and hurt about it (understandably) and wanted to take some sort of revenge. They perceived you as a white man who was nonetheless a safe person for them to retaliate upon. Plus, of course, they had safety in numbers and quite likely were showing off for each other -- just as many men harass women in groups* for the same reasons.
*The men being in groups, not the women. When I've been sexually harassed, it was consistently when I was alone -- and though that's just one data point, I've also never heard a woman talk about being sexually harassed when she was with another woman. I wonder if that does happen.
As a trans man who is often hypersexualized by cis women, this resonates with me. An online acquaintance just asked me why I can’t orgasm sober. It felt invasive and predatory for this unknown woman to ask me about my genitalia, and get familiar with me as soon as I talked about vaginas. I still feel uncomfortable that as an unknown person she felt entitled to know about my sex life assuming she could “relate” to my trans body while gendering it female.
Based on what you said you got familiar with the other person, "as soon as I talked about vaginas"; y.o.u. talked about genitals. In your story she didn't ask about genitals she asked about orgasm; you can discuss the latter without any direct mention of the former, and in your telling, she did. The only way she would/could have asked "WHY you can't orgasm sober" is if she knew you couldn't first. From what you've said, you talked about genitals and orgasm yourself first. It appears she was responding to the things YOU were talking about.
Initially you describe her as an "online acquaintance", then refer to her as an, "unknown woman", and lastly, "unknown person", gradually making her less than, and potentially more menacing. Yet she was clearly known to you because "I talked about vaginas" with her and told her you can't orgasm sober. She responded with a question that would signify she was actively listening and maybe compassionately trying to understand "why you can't orgasm sober" SINCE YOU BROUGHT IT UP.
Perhaps from her perspective she didn't feel entitled at all, perhaps she felt uncomfortable YOU brought up vaginas and your inability to orgasm sober. Exactly as you have brought it up here in a public forum where many unknown persons now know these things because YOU consciously wrote it, then posted it for the world of unknown persons to see.
It's interesting. All he really said was that he felt uncomfortable, and you immediately jump to shouting that it was actually his own fault. You can't possibly know that, so why would you say that?
Mentioning the existence of genitals is not an invitation to be sexually harassed, creep.
Very compelling. It’s beautiful how you start this piece in those horrifying, frozen moments and gradually melt us into the warmth of unified liberation.
Oh, one other comment. You condemned yourself for freezing when sexualized by ciswomen. I'm sure you know that there are four basic responses to threats: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You chose one of them, probably because it felt safest. It may well have BEEN the safest of the four.
There is actually at least one other response possible for humans: make a joke of it. (If you wanted to make it a fifth f-term, it might be "fool around", or "fuck around" or "play the fool.") Some people are good at doing that, even spontaneously; others are not. You may not be. I used not to be at all good at spontaneous jokes, though I'm far better at it now. At this point, I might be inclined to make a dramatic, sweeping bow (yes, really), and say something like, "Thank you ever so much, my lady, but truly I don't deserve you." Depending on how frightened/threatened I felt, the last bit might be, "...but you're far too good for me." That feels a little safer. If I felt centred and confident, the last part might be, "...but you're too good to be doing this," followed by a willingness to tell her how it feels and how similar it is to the sort of harassment she's probably experienced, if she seems open to actual conversation -- and of course if you feel open to that conversation too.
I offer this not because it would necessarily work -- for you or for me -- but because it might be useful to you to think up beforehand a few jokes to use if/when you're subjected to unwanted sexual attention again.
Oh.
OHHHHHHHH.
Thank you for putting words to, and helping make sense of, my experience... and food for thought for even more.
(I am, I think, so accustomed to various forms of predation that when cis male colleagues treat me like a person, I feel like I'm being treated differently and I don't understand the rules of engagement. I AM being treated differently, but it's not different to other people, it's different than what I'm accustomed to. Holy cow. This is huge and is going to take some digesting. Thank you.)
I'm a white ciswoman.
"I’ve been stewing on my draft for months, wondering if sharing what happened is warranted."
Yes, yes, and also yes.
Partway through reading this article, I intended to post a comment with what I suspect is the explanation for the two Black teenage girls chasing you down the street with stereotypical male-type abuse of women. Later I realized that you do understand it in much the same way I do, although you used different words to explain it. I'll post my explanation anyway, in case reading someone else saying much the same thing in a different way is (I hope) useful or validating.
I believe the two girls (I call them girls because they were apparently not adult women) had experienced this same sort of harassment themselves from men. They felt angry and resentful and hurt about it (understandably) and wanted to take some sort of revenge. They perceived you as a white man who was nonetheless a safe person for them to retaliate upon. Plus, of course, they had safety in numbers and quite likely were showing off for each other -- just as many men harass women in groups* for the same reasons.
*The men being in groups, not the women. When I've been sexually harassed, it was consistently when I was alone -- and though that's just one data point, I've also never heard a woman talk about being sexually harassed when she was with another woman. I wonder if that does happen.
As a trans man who is often hypersexualized by cis women, this resonates with me. An online acquaintance just asked me why I can’t orgasm sober. It felt invasive and predatory for this unknown woman to ask me about my genitalia, and get familiar with me as soon as I talked about vaginas. I still feel uncomfortable that as an unknown person she felt entitled to know about my sex life assuming she could “relate” to my trans body while gendering it female.
Kieran,
Based on what you said you got familiar with the other person, "as soon as I talked about vaginas"; y.o.u. talked about genitals. In your story she didn't ask about genitals she asked about orgasm; you can discuss the latter without any direct mention of the former, and in your telling, she did. The only way she would/could have asked "WHY you can't orgasm sober" is if she knew you couldn't first. From what you've said, you talked about genitals and orgasm yourself first. It appears she was responding to the things YOU were talking about.
Initially you describe her as an "online acquaintance", then refer to her as an, "unknown woman", and lastly, "unknown person", gradually making her less than, and potentially more menacing. Yet she was clearly known to you because "I talked about vaginas" with her and told her you can't orgasm sober. She responded with a question that would signify she was actively listening and maybe compassionately trying to understand "why you can't orgasm sober" SINCE YOU BROUGHT IT UP.
Perhaps from her perspective she didn't feel entitled at all, perhaps she felt uncomfortable YOU brought up vaginas and your inability to orgasm sober. Exactly as you have brought it up here in a public forum where many unknown persons now know these things because YOU consciously wrote it, then posted it for the world of unknown persons to see.
It's interesting. All he really said was that he felt uncomfortable, and you immediately jump to shouting that it was actually his own fault. You can't possibly know that, so why would you say that?
Mentioning the existence of genitals is not an invitation to be sexually harassed, creep.