"Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.
I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.
Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life."
I’ve found that being open with my friends about my identity and experiences rather than giving my perspective about theirs is a quicker way to warm them up to their own truths, because if they love and like me, they see my traits in a generally positive way and can relate or not in their own time. And I don’t expect that they’ll come to the same conclusions I have, I just want them to have the knowledge they need to be well.
I’ve only ever pointed out my observation that a friend was Autistic once, after watching her go through the cycle of confusion and diagnosis for years. By the time I said it, she was ready to hear it and trusted me. But I never would have just announced on a Tuesday that she was obviously Autistic to me, that would have made me a jerk.
An important distinction, thank you. Some people agonize for years over the legitimacy of an Autistic identity, especially if they respect diagnosis as the final authoritative word and can't get it. In those situations, affirming how someone sees themselves and sharing that you see it too can do a world of good.
There’s something kind of positive and encouraging about this asker’s account of their own experience though… like if they haven’t internalized deep negative associations with Autism and are observing otherwise affirming community, how could they have known their friend would become upset at hearing this comment? It seems a bit naive but not in a bad way! I hope they continue to seek connection and keep an optimistic outlook.
I came here to say this too. If I think someone is Autistic, I just tell them that *I'm* Autistic. Often they reply "oh so am I" or "I think I might be on the spectrum as well" or something to that effect.
I think the only time I've flat out told someone I think they are is one close friend, who at the time I was seeking a diagnosis, was arguing in s long and rather drunken conversation that I surely couldn't be Autistic because I was just like him, and he wasn't Autistic - at that point I had to say "are you SURE about that??? Have you noticed we have just had a whole conversation without even looking at each other??? Neurotypical people don't do that!" 😅
(I'm happy to say we're still close friends years later, and he's still avoiding "labels" or any kind of neurodivergent identity, but has gradually accepted that I am indeed Autistic, and I think has largely accepted the idea that he has a lot in common with autistic people and that most if not all of our mutual friends are in all likelihood ND)
One thing I keep in mind when talking to people who might be some flavor of neurodivergent is that our experiences are what's important; autism is just a label for a collection of traits, as are all psychiatric diagnoses. So apart from mentioning generally that self-diagnosis is the way to go, I talk about my own experiences dealing with similar issues and how being autistic relates to them, and share whatever resources I know that helped me.
For example, talking about managing sensory sensitivities with food or clothing. Doesn't matter one bit if they're autistic, some other flavor of neurodivergent, or just Weird about it, if the information helps them, that's all that matters. Or talk about the toll masking takes, and how to not do it unless you have to. Extend an open offer for them to talk about that kind of stuff when they'd like.
You establish trust and understanding that way, and honestly, there's no functional difference between an openly autistic person talking about an highly autistically flavored issue, and someone who might not even have started to consider or accept this about themselves and dealing with the same thing. Just support them without imposing any labels on them, even if, or especially when, they're really obviously that, because as said here, that rarely goes well.
People aren't idiots, talk about how you being autistic influences things and how you go about them, and support them in dealing with their issues. Once they're ready to talk about possibly being autistic they'll know they'll have a friend in you to confide in. Jumping on a "diagnosis" kills all chance of that.
(This is eerily similar to figuring out if you're trans now that I think about it.)
I will offer another perspective. I am an afab neurodivergent person who wasn't diagnosed until my 30s. Like many of us I experienced gate keeping, stigma, and misdiagnosis the first few times I tried to access better self understanding through diagnosis.
I worried for years about claiming an autistic identity because my experiences have been gaslit and also just looked over my whole life. I was afraid I might be appropriating marginalized identity that didn't belong to me, etc. Having friends who are autistic tell me that they also thought I am was a huge relief. A bit like when binary trans friends have reassured me that the idea that non binary people are more or less faking it for clout etc is bullshit.
If the idea that they're autistic hasn't occured to them before it may hit different of course. Asking about their experience and sharing some of your own may help! As an example, I always thought maybe I was autistic because of my problems with social interaction (things like having to practice facial expressions in a mirror). Before my assessment it didn't even occur to me that the fact that I used to cower shaking under the covers whenever anyone used a vacuum, or abhoring car horns, was also an autistic trait, or that sensory processing problems (what?!) or hyper flexibility might also be all part of the picture.
This def resonated. I’m fine with people knowing about my mental health when I tell them, and sometimes I’ll talk about it very openly, but when random friends suggest I might be neurodivergent or might need medication or if they say I’m acting “extra xyz” or “did I forget my medication today?” I turn into a prowling tiger in a cage and get so defensive, never forget the comment, and sometimes cut the person out of my life forever.
Thank you for putting all of this into words so well. I was trying to have this conversation with someone recently and the brain would not brain. Next time I'll just point them at this post. 🧡
Thank you so much Devon for the post. What confuses me about "Don't tell them" is that I only thought about being autistic after someone said they see a lot of autistic traits. Only then did I look into it (I took the screening test, first the short one, then the long one and the whole six hour train ride was the beginning of a year long special interest). If no one had told me that I could be autistic I think it would have taken me a very, very long time to find that term and honestly, this was one of the most helpful things to learn about myself and to find words and concepts to make sense of my experiences. Of course I made the mistake of telling other people that I think they might be autistic and I would say it was a fifty-fifty experience. Some got angry or annoyed, others were really thankful to hear about it. But then again, I know that I am a bit too much on the side of telling people what I think. Now I try to affirm people when they share that they think they are neurodivergent instead of telling them.
But then I always think back that someone telling me was the beginning of such a journey to learn about myself and so much about others. That the external view of someone was the beginning of my self-discovery.
Got an update from the question asker!
Anonymous asked:
"Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.
I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.
Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life."
I’ve found that being open with my friends about my identity and experiences rather than giving my perspective about theirs is a quicker way to warm them up to their own truths, because if they love and like me, they see my traits in a generally positive way and can relate or not in their own time. And I don’t expect that they’ll come to the same conclusions I have, I just want them to have the knowledge they need to be well.
I’ve only ever pointed out my observation that a friend was Autistic once, after watching her go through the cycle of confusion and diagnosis for years. By the time I said it, she was ready to hear it and trusted me. But I never would have just announced on a Tuesday that she was obviously Autistic to me, that would have made me a jerk.
An important distinction, thank you. Some people agonize for years over the legitimacy of an Autistic identity, especially if they respect diagnosis as the final authoritative word and can't get it. In those situations, affirming how someone sees themselves and sharing that you see it too can do a world of good.
There’s something kind of positive and encouraging about this asker’s account of their own experience though… like if they haven’t internalized deep negative associations with Autism and are observing otherwise affirming community, how could they have known their friend would become upset at hearing this comment? It seems a bit naive but not in a bad way! I hope they continue to seek connection and keep an optimistic outlook.
I came here to say this too. If I think someone is Autistic, I just tell them that *I'm* Autistic. Often they reply "oh so am I" or "I think I might be on the spectrum as well" or something to that effect.
I think the only time I've flat out told someone I think they are is one close friend, who at the time I was seeking a diagnosis, was arguing in s long and rather drunken conversation that I surely couldn't be Autistic because I was just like him, and he wasn't Autistic - at that point I had to say "are you SURE about that??? Have you noticed we have just had a whole conversation without even looking at each other??? Neurotypical people don't do that!" 😅
(I'm happy to say we're still close friends years later, and he's still avoiding "labels" or any kind of neurodivergent identity, but has gradually accepted that I am indeed Autistic, and I think has largely accepted the idea that he has a lot in common with autistic people and that most if not all of our mutual friends are in all likelihood ND)
Don't tell them that you think they're autistic....wait until when and if THEY bring it up...
One thing I keep in mind when talking to people who might be some flavor of neurodivergent is that our experiences are what's important; autism is just a label for a collection of traits, as are all psychiatric diagnoses. So apart from mentioning generally that self-diagnosis is the way to go, I talk about my own experiences dealing with similar issues and how being autistic relates to them, and share whatever resources I know that helped me.
For example, talking about managing sensory sensitivities with food or clothing. Doesn't matter one bit if they're autistic, some other flavor of neurodivergent, or just Weird about it, if the information helps them, that's all that matters. Or talk about the toll masking takes, and how to not do it unless you have to. Extend an open offer for them to talk about that kind of stuff when they'd like.
You establish trust and understanding that way, and honestly, there's no functional difference between an openly autistic person talking about an highly autistically flavored issue, and someone who might not even have started to consider or accept this about themselves and dealing with the same thing. Just support them without imposing any labels on them, even if, or especially when, they're really obviously that, because as said here, that rarely goes well.
People aren't idiots, talk about how you being autistic influences things and how you go about them, and support them in dealing with their issues. Once they're ready to talk about possibly being autistic they'll know they'll have a friend in you to confide in. Jumping on a "diagnosis" kills all chance of that.
(This is eerily similar to figuring out if you're trans now that I think about it.)
I will offer another perspective. I am an afab neurodivergent person who wasn't diagnosed until my 30s. Like many of us I experienced gate keeping, stigma, and misdiagnosis the first few times I tried to access better self understanding through diagnosis.
I worried for years about claiming an autistic identity because my experiences have been gaslit and also just looked over my whole life. I was afraid I might be appropriating marginalized identity that didn't belong to me, etc. Having friends who are autistic tell me that they also thought I am was a huge relief. A bit like when binary trans friends have reassured me that the idea that non binary people are more or less faking it for clout etc is bullshit.
If the idea that they're autistic hasn't occured to them before it may hit different of course. Asking about their experience and sharing some of your own may help! As an example, I always thought maybe I was autistic because of my problems with social interaction (things like having to practice facial expressions in a mirror). Before my assessment it didn't even occur to me that the fact that I used to cower shaking under the covers whenever anyone used a vacuum, or abhoring car horns, was also an autistic trait, or that sensory processing problems (what?!) or hyper flexibility might also be all part of the picture.
This def resonated. I’m fine with people knowing about my mental health when I tell them, and sometimes I’ll talk about it very openly, but when random friends suggest I might be neurodivergent or might need medication or if they say I’m acting “extra xyz” or “did I forget my medication today?” I turn into a prowling tiger in a cage and get so defensive, never forget the comment, and sometimes cut the person out of my life forever.
Thank you for putting all of this into words so well. I was trying to have this conversation with someone recently and the brain would not brain. Next time I'll just point them at this post. 🧡
Thank you so much Devon for the post. What confuses me about "Don't tell them" is that I only thought about being autistic after someone said they see a lot of autistic traits. Only then did I look into it (I took the screening test, first the short one, then the long one and the whole six hour train ride was the beginning of a year long special interest). If no one had told me that I could be autistic I think it would have taken me a very, very long time to find that term and honestly, this was one of the most helpful things to learn about myself and to find words and concepts to make sense of my experiences. Of course I made the mistake of telling other people that I think they might be autistic and I would say it was a fifty-fifty experience. Some got angry or annoyed, others were really thankful to hear about it. But then again, I know that I am a bit too much on the side of telling people what I think. Now I try to affirm people when they share that they think they are neurodivergent instead of telling them.
But then I always think back that someone telling me was the beginning of such a journey to learn about myself and so much about others. That the external view of someone was the beginning of my self-discovery.