This framing is so powerful! "genital preferences" as a concept which equates certain anatomical structures with a limited set of sexual acts is inherently heterocissexist. And also why it's gross when cis people project their "preference" for this or that anatomical configuration. When we conceive of sex as a realm of endless possibilities for connection, we give ourselves the agency to name the things we want or don't want, and the ability to hear 'yes'/'no'/'maybe' with equal grace and understanding. Thank you!
Oh my fuckin god THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! As a queer & sex positive human and therapist, this touches on the intersections of various topics my clients (and honestly my friends, partners, and my own thoughts) bring up! Damn, Devon, you are TRULY one of the boldest and most important writers in my scope of awareness. Thank you for your words on things many would leave leave unspoken or even unexplored! 💓
Damn, this is good. I was inspired to ask for sex today after complaining about vanilla sex on a tumblr post of yours yesterday. I put a message out with the exact kind of sex I wanted and the quick scene went the way I wanted it to. It didn’t fulfill me, turns out it’s still not exactly what I want but I’m getting closer and I feel much more present today instead of being so in my head about sex
This is the best thing I've seen written on this topic! Thank you so much for writing it.
I've had a lot of guilt around this topic and coached fellow trans friends through similar - it's very difficult to talk about. For myself I've similarly managed to narrow it down to sexual preferences rather than genital preferences because truly that is what it is for me, and reading this has really helped affirm that!
I also get dysphoria from other vaginas. I haven't really heard anyone talk about that so I appreciate this. Yeah, I think generally trying to change a preference that feels like it could come from a bias through having uncomfortable sex isn't good for anyone involved.
I also relate to accepting all advances for friendship or sex out of a sense of scarify. I did that a lotttt in my early-mid 20s. It has been so good for me to not accept advances towards friendship from people that make me uncomfortable and to not accept any relationship that frequently feels bad. I think scarcity actually gets larger when we accept relationships we don't enjoy - because they take up our time and energy and there isn't room for more compatible people or for exploring what we want on our own
This is super helpful!!!!! As an autistic demi queer without a ton of sexual experience/information about my desires yet, I find myself wanting real life examples in this much detail to help understand myself & what my desires might look like. I appreciate you writing this and sharing so so so so so much.
I'm going on my first date in a long time with a fellow freaky gender-freak tonight, and this was just such a great thing to read beforehand. I'm now looking forward to navigating our needs, rather than feeling anxious about it. Thanks doc.
TLDR; You never owe anyone sex for any reason. Period.
I wish I had understood this when I was younger. I am not asexual—I have fantasies and a sexual orientation—but I don’t want to have sex with other people. Physical intimacy is interesting but ultimately just too overwhelming and sensory aversive to be worth it. I always realized this after about a minute of kissing but felt like since I started I had to give what I had advertised, or that there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t having sex at all.
I haven’t had sex in about seven years and I doubt I will again. I mean, who knows the future? But if I don’t want to for any reason at all (and having a dick is an absolute dealbreaker for me even in fantasy) then it’s a no. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s not my job to validate anyone’s sexual identity with sex; only with respect.
I relate to some of what you share here; I’ve realized that partnered sex offers much more physical stimuli than I usually experience, and I wonder if that is related to difficulty orgasming w/ a partner, whereas I can have great orgasms w myself always. I feel like it’s already just so much to take in the physicality of another person, that maybe my body is already at a “max.”
I relate to this in a different way and it honestly may be a niche problem, I struggle to find those who relate. I've tried navigating dating and sex as a transmasculine person and am faced with the overbearing assumption that I enjoy PIV because of my body even though that part makes me incredibly dysphoric and uncomfortable. I've also had a traumatic experience because of this assumption. It feels like I cant escape people only desiring transmasc people in that way it sucks. I hope more trans sexual preferences are talked about instead of assumed. Its exhausting truly.
A disappointing article. TME queers are so whiny about their discomfort with transfeminine bodies. The correct answer is: grow up, reflect on why you feel threatened by people you hold power over, and don't inflict yourself on trans women until you've figured yourself out.
You're certainly not wrong about TME queer people's fragility and transmisogyny. Telling us to own our shit and self-reflect is correct advice too IMO, but I think it's my role as someone who is transmisogyny-exempt to have the messier, slower, more patient conversations that no trans woman should have to put up with. A lot of TME people don't seem to want to grow or give up their power at all whatsoever, but it sounded like the Anon did want to work on their shit, and just telling them to get over it wasn't gonna be as helpful as actionable advice. I can understand you feeling skeptical of it all as an enterprise.
I really don't care if people don't wanna sleep with me because of whatever my anatomy or because I am trans. What really gets on my nerves is their constant public need for being validated for their disgust of me.
Luckily it is not all men - but it makes those men look particularly bad. They hate women and they hate women who cannot be of sexual use for them even more. They think their desire for sex with women is a gift to those women. And even though I don't even desire men, they feel entitled to knowing I am trans just in case they take an interest.
How fragile must be their sense of self when they feel tainted even by the thought of desiring someone who doesn't meet their idea of a sexually compatible person.
This framing is so powerful! "genital preferences" as a concept which equates certain anatomical structures with a limited set of sexual acts is inherently heterocissexist. And also why it's gross when cis people project their "preference" for this or that anatomical configuration. When we conceive of sex as a realm of endless possibilities for connection, we give ourselves the agency to name the things we want or don't want, and the ability to hear 'yes'/'no'/'maybe' with equal grace and understanding. Thank you!
Fabulous take! Thank you!!
Oh my fuckin god THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! As a queer & sex positive human and therapist, this touches on the intersections of various topics my clients (and honestly my friends, partners, and my own thoughts) bring up! Damn, Devon, you are TRULY one of the boldest and most important writers in my scope of awareness. Thank you for your words on things many would leave leave unspoken or even unexplored! 💓
In particular: "I don’t want someone guiltily wasting my time and using my body as a site for their political rehabilitation." 🎯🎯🎯
Yup, that quote stuck out to me too!
Damn, this is good. I was inspired to ask for sex today after complaining about vanilla sex on a tumblr post of yours yesterday. I put a message out with the exact kind of sex I wanted and the quick scene went the way I wanted it to. It didn’t fulfill me, turns out it’s still not exactly what I want but I’m getting closer and I feel much more present today instead of being so in my head about sex
Yay!!! Yes!! Keep searching, keep experimenting, keep saying what you feel!!!
This is the best thing I've seen written on this topic! Thank you so much for writing it.
I've had a lot of guilt around this topic and coached fellow trans friends through similar - it's very difficult to talk about. For myself I've similarly managed to narrow it down to sexual preferences rather than genital preferences because truly that is what it is for me, and reading this has really helped affirm that!
It’s a fraught topic, but you handled it beautifully. Thank you for writing and sharing this, Devon.
I also get dysphoria from other vaginas. I haven't really heard anyone talk about that so I appreciate this. Yeah, I think generally trying to change a preference that feels like it could come from a bias through having uncomfortable sex isn't good for anyone involved.
I also relate to accepting all advances for friendship or sex out of a sense of scarify. I did that a lotttt in my early-mid 20s. It has been so good for me to not accept advances towards friendship from people that make me uncomfortable and to not accept any relationship that frequently feels bad. I think scarcity actually gets larger when we accept relationships we don't enjoy - because they take up our time and energy and there isn't room for more compatible people or for exploring what we want on our own
This is super helpful!!!!! As an autistic demi queer without a ton of sexual experience/information about my desires yet, I find myself wanting real life examples in this much detail to help understand myself & what my desires might look like. I appreciate you writing this and sharing so so so so so much.
much to think about as a stone femme lesbian. thanks dr price.
I'm going on my first date in a long time with a fellow freaky gender-freak tonight, and this was just such a great thing to read beforehand. I'm now looking forward to navigating our needs, rather than feeling anxious about it. Thanks doc.
TLDR; You never owe anyone sex for any reason. Period.
I wish I had understood this when I was younger. I am not asexual—I have fantasies and a sexual orientation—but I don’t want to have sex with other people. Physical intimacy is interesting but ultimately just too overwhelming and sensory aversive to be worth it. I always realized this after about a minute of kissing but felt like since I started I had to give what I had advertised, or that there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t having sex at all.
I haven’t had sex in about seven years and I doubt I will again. I mean, who knows the future? But if I don’t want to for any reason at all (and having a dick is an absolute dealbreaker for me even in fantasy) then it’s a no. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s not my job to validate anyone’s sexual identity with sex; only with respect.
I relate to some of what you share here; I’ve realized that partnered sex offers much more physical stimuli than I usually experience, and I wonder if that is related to difficulty orgasming w/ a partner, whereas I can have great orgasms w myself always. I feel like it’s already just so much to take in the physicality of another person, that maybe my body is already at a “max.”
I relate to this in a different way and it honestly may be a niche problem, I struggle to find those who relate. I've tried navigating dating and sex as a transmasculine person and am faced with the overbearing assumption that I enjoy PIV because of my body even though that part makes me incredibly dysphoric and uncomfortable. I've also had a traumatic experience because of this assumption. It feels like I cant escape people only desiring transmasc people in that way it sucks. I hope more trans sexual preferences are talked about instead of assumed. Its exhausting truly.
I really enjoyed the section about kink with no penetration, I relate in a pup way, I felt that buzz after my first mosh it was amazing 🐶
A disappointing article. TME queers are so whiny about their discomfort with transfeminine bodies. The correct answer is: grow up, reflect on why you feel threatened by people you hold power over, and don't inflict yourself on trans women until you've figured yourself out.
You're certainly not wrong about TME queer people's fragility and transmisogyny. Telling us to own our shit and self-reflect is correct advice too IMO, but I think it's my role as someone who is transmisogyny-exempt to have the messier, slower, more patient conversations that no trans woman should have to put up with. A lot of TME people don't seem to want to grow or give up their power at all whatsoever, but it sounded like the Anon did want to work on their shit, and just telling them to get over it wasn't gonna be as helpful as actionable advice. I can understand you feeling skeptical of it all as an enterprise.
I really don't care if people don't wanna sleep with me because of whatever my anatomy or because I am trans. What really gets on my nerves is their constant public need for being validated for their disgust of me.
Luckily it is not all men - but it makes those men look particularly bad. They hate women and they hate women who cannot be of sexual use for them even more. They think their desire for sex with women is a gift to those women. And even though I don't even desire men, they feel entitled to knowing I am trans just in case they take an interest.
How fragile must be their sense of self when they feel tainted even by the thought of desiring someone who doesn't meet their idea of a sexually compatible person.
I'm gonna add, I am profoundly vanilla and hetero and this is still extremely liberating to read. Respect.
This is amazing. I can't even read it all at once (it's me, not you) But wow, huge infodump in a profoundly liberating way. Well done, truly.
this was such a refreshing read :)