I absolutely adored your interview on We Can Do Hard Things and was excited to find you here on Substack, too! I love the advice to listen to dread and resentment. I was a raging people pleaser for a loooong time until my body shut that down. I’m slowly unlearning that pattern but always benefit from reminders!
One thing I’ve noticed a few times now is that sometimes I will dread a situation/commitment, but when I investigate the dread, I realize it isn’t the whole of the situation that I’m dreading, it’s a particular contextual piece. So for example, I really wanted to meet up with a friend and agreed to go for a hike with her that would have also necessitated a long drive, but as the date approached, I felt my dread mounting. I have long Covid and knew i was going to end up well past my spoon limit, given the other things I also had going on. I felt so overwhelmed by dread that I was simply going to cancel, but when I took some time to look at the feeling, I realized it was just about the amount of time (and therefore energy) that the activity would take, not about being with this friend. I imagined just sitting outside chatting with her instead, and that felt like a big yes - like the thing I really wanted to do. So I summoned the courage to propose that change of plans. We had a lovely time, and I went home with spoons to spare. I try to remember that experience now so that when dread comes up, I can say no to whatever I want and need to say no to but also remain curious enough to see if there’s a big values-driven yes hiding somewhere in the vicinity, too.
> Remember: boundaries are a thing you do, not something you can convince others to respect. If you experience a ton of unresolved resentment, it may be because you’re behaving passively and expecting others to maintain your boundaries for you
This is a very valid statement, but I'd add one important remark, which just means this advice applies twice as hard: when you've had your boundaries systemically ignored, deliberately violated, and/or pathologized, it may not necessarily be expecting others to maintain them for you, but rather that the entire notion of having boundaries doesn't even occur, or that they sound fake anyway.
Also, I find the resentment from injustice particularly hard to deal with. Specifically the resentment I get when I see people with actual disposable income, or just even a bit better off, can just... do things. The real source of this resentment is being a disabled person under capitalism, and systematically devalued and poor as shit as a result. In the short term there's fuck all you can do about that, only not let the resentment eat you.
I think this is a good situation (systemic injustice) to both allow yourself to feel the resentment (and know it’s hella justified) and also not let it eat you alive, by channeling into something like journaling or art (writing or drawing or making songs about your own murder fantasies, etc).
Every aspect of what you wrote here resonates to my core. Thank you, Kleo.
I especially appreciate you voicing the resentment around neurotypical people with disposable income. I definitely share your frustrations: I'm an unmasked autistic person coping with long-term autistic burnout, and I feel so much resentment that neurotypical people have the energy to have ambition and big goals. I'm going to sit with the idea of not letting that resentment eat me.
This was an excellent article. I’ve only recently started to tune into my resentment, and - paradoxically - it’s teaching me to be kinder to myself. When I’m resentful I start asking myself how I can take care of ME. Almost always it’s doing something to honor my own autistic being rather than trying to fit into an external expectation.
Reading this and buzzing with hope! We'll be unstoppable when we shed these socially imposed/internalised behaviours and practices (and model better ways of being to the kids in our lives)
That was the MOST POIGNANT article I have read in YEARS!!!
Absolutely unbelievable nuance and meaning weaved into every sentence...
The knowledge, the storytelling, the flow, and the jarring REALIZATIONS that TALKING ABOUT the NOT so fluffy stuff can be done with reverence, entertainment and gusto!
It should be welcomed with open arms... We should always be challenging everything... the newest and most dis-provable theories will stand, but need to be constantly questioned, and poked and prodded.
We are still a very, very, ignorant race. There is SO much we do not know... from what lies at the bottom of the ocean to what consciousness is, to what is the experience of the color "RED?" Is your “red” my “red?”
I love the matter of factness as you spoke about our inner worlds. We all have them... and I can almost guarantee we all have had universal EGOcentric thought experiments of harming other people WITHOUT ever the INTENTION OR POSSIBILITY OF EVER DOING anything as such!
But to deny OUR inner world... To deny our basic humanity, at its deepest core is sure to create unfathomable amounts of dissonance, confusion and pain.
In Viktor Frankl's book, called "Man's Search for Meaning" he described his experiences in concentration camps where he used his will and imagination to get through and survive, a situation where many others did not make it.
If he were taught at a young age that his inner world was bad and an omnipotent God could see all his thoughts… good and bod!
Could you imagine if someone took on that belief as I'm sure many a human has!?!!
Thank you for this piece. Resentment is something I’ve been grappling with and trying to understand, and this really helps. Definitely something I will need to read several times (at least).
OOo, looking forward to listening to your episode! I haven't been able to read much longform (or at all) in severe autistic burnout but sheesh, I'm glad I read this. Relatable x100. I appreciate you talking about shadow work. We need to accept all of ourselves. One of the big shifts I see in my coaching practice is giving ND folks permission to let rip expressing themselves in their imaginations/journalling as a way to process the shit stuff. That we are allowed to sink into those elaborate grrrr fantasies, that we are not our thoughts, we just don't ACT on them. The relief is palpable. Also, to quote my kiddo when they were small, 'being good is exhausting.'
Thank you so much for your radical honestly, in depth descriptions and abundantly generous sharing. I have just starting finding your work but just this post alone has the capacity to transform so many lives in its ability to have so many of us feel seen, acknowledged and understood in a way we rarely are. So grateful for the time and effort and care pit into this.
I absolutely adored your interview on We Can Do Hard Things and was excited to find you here on Substack, too! I love the advice to listen to dread and resentment. I was a raging people pleaser for a loooong time until my body shut that down. I’m slowly unlearning that pattern but always benefit from reminders!
One thing I’ve noticed a few times now is that sometimes I will dread a situation/commitment, but when I investigate the dread, I realize it isn’t the whole of the situation that I’m dreading, it’s a particular contextual piece. So for example, I really wanted to meet up with a friend and agreed to go for a hike with her that would have also necessitated a long drive, but as the date approached, I felt my dread mounting. I have long Covid and knew i was going to end up well past my spoon limit, given the other things I also had going on. I felt so overwhelmed by dread that I was simply going to cancel, but when I took some time to look at the feeling, I realized it was just about the amount of time (and therefore energy) that the activity would take, not about being with this friend. I imagined just sitting outside chatting with her instead, and that felt like a big yes - like the thing I really wanted to do. So I summoned the courage to propose that change of plans. We had a lovely time, and I went home with spoons to spare. I try to remember that experience now so that when dread comes up, I can say no to whatever I want and need to say no to but also remain curious enough to see if there’s a big values-driven yes hiding somewhere in the vicinity, too.
This is fantastic!
This is so helpful
Nice nuance to the original amazing post! 🙏
> Remember: boundaries are a thing you do, not something you can convince others to respect. If you experience a ton of unresolved resentment, it may be because you’re behaving passively and expecting others to maintain your boundaries for you
This is a very valid statement, but I'd add one important remark, which just means this advice applies twice as hard: when you've had your boundaries systemically ignored, deliberately violated, and/or pathologized, it may not necessarily be expecting others to maintain them for you, but rather that the entire notion of having boundaries doesn't even occur, or that they sound fake anyway.
Also, I find the resentment from injustice particularly hard to deal with. Specifically the resentment I get when I see people with actual disposable income, or just even a bit better off, can just... do things. The real source of this resentment is being a disabled person under capitalism, and systematically devalued and poor as shit as a result. In the short term there's fuck all you can do about that, only not let the resentment eat you.
I think this is a good situation (systemic injustice) to both allow yourself to feel the resentment (and know it’s hella justified) and also not let it eat you alive, by channeling into something like journaling or art (writing or drawing or making songs about your own murder fantasies, etc).
Yeah!
Agreed. I started YouTube and IG channels just to RANT and express my concerns and my views... and some funny memes of course... 😎...
Ya, channel into whatever self expression you already enjoy! 😊
Every aspect of what you wrote here resonates to my core. Thank you, Kleo.
I especially appreciate you voicing the resentment around neurotypical people with disposable income. I definitely share your frustrations: I'm an unmasked autistic person coping with long-term autistic burnout, and I feel so much resentment that neurotypical people have the energy to have ambition and big goals. I'm going to sit with the idea of not letting that resentment eat me.
This was an excellent article. I’ve only recently started to tune into my resentment, and - paradoxically - it’s teaching me to be kinder to myself. When I’m resentful I start asking myself how I can take care of ME. Almost always it’s doing something to honor my own autistic being rather than trying to fit into an external expectation.
Reading this and buzzing with hope! We'll be unstoppable when we shed these socially imposed/internalised behaviours and practices (and model better ways of being to the kids in our lives)
I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF YOU AND I AM SHOCKED!!!!
That was the MOST POIGNANT article I have read in YEARS!!!
Absolutely unbelievable nuance and meaning weaved into every sentence...
The knowledge, the storytelling, the flow, and the jarring REALIZATIONS that TALKING ABOUT the NOT so fluffy stuff can be done with reverence, entertainment and gusto!
It should be welcomed with open arms... We should always be challenging everything... the newest and most dis-provable theories will stand, but need to be constantly questioned, and poked and prodded.
We are still a very, very, ignorant race. There is SO much we do not know... from what lies at the bottom of the ocean to what consciousness is, to what is the experience of the color "RED?" Is your “red” my “red?”
I love the matter of factness as you spoke about our inner worlds. We all have them... and I can almost guarantee we all have had universal EGOcentric thought experiments of harming other people WITHOUT ever the INTENTION OR POSSIBILITY OF EVER DOING anything as such!
But to deny OUR inner world... To deny our basic humanity, at its deepest core is sure to create unfathomable amounts of dissonance, confusion and pain.
In Viktor Frankl's book, called "Man's Search for Meaning" he described his experiences in concentration camps where he used his will and imagination to get through and survive, a situation where many others did not make it.
If he were taught at a young age that his inner world was bad and an omnipotent God could see all his thoughts… good and bod!
Could you imagine if someone took on that belief as I'm sure many a human has!?!!
…Anyway!!!
Unbelievable article. Absolutely beautiful!
I subscribe to Substack for YOU… 🙏🙏🙏
Welcome! I think there is a lot on here you will like. The article on becoming more disobedient might be a fun one to start with.
I will check it out. Also you are an a podcast. (Listening right now)
And Im going to get your book too...
Going to digest it all!!!
P.S. I had a dormant Substack account. As a writer LOOKING to start a blog and newsletter... thus was too kismet!
Thank you my friend!...
https://memrjoe.substack.com
Thank you for this piece. Resentment is something I’ve been grappling with and trying to understand, and this really helps. Definitely something I will need to read several times (at least).
OOo, looking forward to listening to your episode! I haven't been able to read much longform (or at all) in severe autistic burnout but sheesh, I'm glad I read this. Relatable x100. I appreciate you talking about shadow work. We need to accept all of ourselves. One of the big shifts I see in my coaching practice is giving ND folks permission to let rip expressing themselves in their imaginations/journalling as a way to process the shit stuff. That we are allowed to sink into those elaborate grrrr fantasies, that we are not our thoughts, we just don't ACT on them. The relief is palpable. Also, to quote my kiddo when they were small, 'being good is exhausting.'
These pieces on substack can also be listened to -- there should be a play button at the top to have it narrated to you in the app!
This article was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your work.
Thank you so much for your radical honestly, in depth descriptions and abundantly generous sharing. I have just starting finding your work but just this post alone has the capacity to transform so many lives in its ability to have so many of us feel seen, acknowledged and understood in a way we rarely are. So grateful for the time and effort and care pit into this.
My sentiments exactly... what a gifted writer... with a POWERFUL message wrapped in a beautiful article!
I was so wowed by your interview with Glennon that I wrote a poem inspired by it - https://open.substack.com/pub/100poems/p/thank-you-devon-price?r=7ymx1&utm_medium=ios
Thank you so much, I'm honored!
This is absolutely wonderful and heartening, as are the tips in the comments. Thank you everyone
This article was a deeply healing hug. Thank you for your insight.