I appreciate what you have to say here but I’m not sure about the responsibility shift to the nephew when (while he is an adult) op has a longstanding responsibility to be protective of him. I’m not sure if it’s a culture difference, but I know in my family the answer is so simple: separate these two identities. being a caretaker of a younger family member/maintaining that relationship and being a kinky person can occupy different zones both figuratively and literally. Taking kinky things out of the living room when your nephew is over is an obvious and very reasonable thing to do, and isn’t a metaphorical act of closeting yourself. I genuinely believe that masking Sometimes is necessary. You wouldn’t yell in a library just like you wouldn’t talk about kink with someone you basically raised. In a perfect world, trusting your nephew to bring things up and set his own boundaries is enough, however, as the older and more mature adult I think you absolutely do have a responsibility to be thoughtful about his feelings when assessing what you do and don’t want to present, rather than follow the “if he doesn’t like it it’s his job to say something” philosophy. It lends itself to the “I don’t owe anyone anything” mentality that is so present in our society as of recent, and I think we’ve flipped the script too far. It can be true that we all deserve to live without shame in who we are and what we enjoy, AND loving and respecting your family despite anything else (not saying to change yourself or hate yourself or subject yourself to scrutiny, love and respect can happen from afar) is a primary responsibility of all people. Again, I’m not white, I’m native, and that is absolutely the case in my family. I ran into problems with my teenage siblings for engaging in talk about drugs and alcohol and relationships with them and I realized that making sure they feel safe and comfortable is 1000000x more important than whatever I get out of sharing those things.
Seconded. Even in the sections of the article that talk about separating their identities, the onus is always on the nephew which I don’t think is fair or healthy.
I found this response very useful as someone who is doing a lot of contemplation about what aspects of my kinkiness I want to share with others and in which spaces I feel safe doing that and what changes need to happen in my life more broadly so that I can be more fully who I am at all times.
My favourite parts of this article are about normalising the shame and horribleness! While adult parts of us may know, theoretically that our kink or sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, we all have wounds from growing up in a world where we treat sex like such a loaded, taboo subject. Love how you gave anon permission to feel it, instead of platitudes about them having nothing to be ashamed of
I don't understand how thr nephew found out in the first place. Like...maybe this is my own shit, but I can't imagine sharing those things if there's any chance of people I know irl seeing it 🤔
I appreciate what you have to say here but I’m not sure about the responsibility shift to the nephew when (while he is an adult) op has a longstanding responsibility to be protective of him. I’m not sure if it’s a culture difference, but I know in my family the answer is so simple: separate these two identities. being a caretaker of a younger family member/maintaining that relationship and being a kinky person can occupy different zones both figuratively and literally. Taking kinky things out of the living room when your nephew is over is an obvious and very reasonable thing to do, and isn’t a metaphorical act of closeting yourself. I genuinely believe that masking Sometimes is necessary. You wouldn’t yell in a library just like you wouldn’t talk about kink with someone you basically raised. In a perfect world, trusting your nephew to bring things up and set his own boundaries is enough, however, as the older and more mature adult I think you absolutely do have a responsibility to be thoughtful about his feelings when assessing what you do and don’t want to present, rather than follow the “if he doesn’t like it it’s his job to say something” philosophy. It lends itself to the “I don’t owe anyone anything” mentality that is so present in our society as of recent, and I think we’ve flipped the script too far. It can be true that we all deserve to live without shame in who we are and what we enjoy, AND loving and respecting your family despite anything else (not saying to change yourself or hate yourself or subject yourself to scrutiny, love and respect can happen from afar) is a primary responsibility of all people. Again, I’m not white, I’m native, and that is absolutely the case in my family. I ran into problems with my teenage siblings for engaging in talk about drugs and alcohol and relationships with them and I realized that making sure they feel safe and comfortable is 1000000x more important than whatever I get out of sharing those things.
It’s all about what we owe to each other.
Seconded. Even in the sections of the article that talk about separating their identities, the onus is always on the nephew which I don’t think is fair or healthy.
I found this response very useful as someone who is doing a lot of contemplation about what aspects of my kinkiness I want to share with others and in which spaces I feel safe doing that and what changes need to happen in my life more broadly so that I can be more fully who I am at all times.
My favourite parts of this article are about normalising the shame and horribleness! While adult parts of us may know, theoretically that our kink or sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, we all have wounds from growing up in a world where we treat sex like such a loaded, taboo subject. Love how you gave anon permission to feel it, instead of platitudes about them having nothing to be ashamed of
I don't understand how thr nephew found out in the first place. Like...maybe this is my own shit, but I can't imagine sharing those things if there's any chance of people I know irl seeing it 🤔