Thank you, always. It is a cathartic read as someone who likes things on both the "vanilla" and kink menus, but have had potential and past partners who did not want to communicate or got very weird about boundaries. More than specific sexual acts, I have wanted partners who are honest and respect boundaries. I don't regret scaring off people who were attracted to me but didn't want communication. But I also feel grief about how many people want to autopilot sex along certain sexual scripts. No communicating/negotiating. When I'm the only one willing to communicate my boundaries and desires, I can't relax, as I feel like either I'm going to get coerced or I'm going to violate someone without knowing I did. Both scenarios hurt. I don't want to be perceived by people who want autopilot, guess-culture sexual encounters.
I could comment on so many things but in general, all three inquiry responses have touched me. I always feel less alone when you write and like I can be a better friend to myself and people like myself. ✨❤️
Thank you for these thoughts! As someone who's just starting to consider their sex life differently, based on what I enjoy or not and not on what I'm supposed to like, it nurrishes my own reflective process to read your takes on these topics.
I've always hated the "recipes" of sex, and it explains why I mostly lost interest in any sexual relationships I had after a while, once it becomes a routine. This text will definitely help me go one step further with my own process.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this! I had no idea people were even allowed to pick and choose what sex acts they want and are okay with. I'm late diagnosed autistic (at 37, I'm now 40) and also recently realised I'm trans nonbinary and I've always had real problems with sex. I'm only recently realising it's to do with a fucked up cocktail of masking, sensory overload and dysphoria. I struggle with so-called vanilla sex but my fantasies involve stuff like submission and bondage. I thought I was just messed up, I didn't realise having squicks about 'vanilla' sex was even allowed! Thank you for making me realise this was okay, you've given me so much to think about. I've recently started working with a kink-positive therapist so I'm kind of excited to discuss this with them and start deconstructing my ideas of sex!
It is all allowed! and you're not alone. until I started playing with a bondage top who has "no sex, no vanilla" as his limits, I hadn't realized I was allowed to take or leave any part of sexuality for myself, too. but you really can't, and there are people out there who are just as happy to pick and choose from the buffet alongside you, and put together something that'll satisfy you both.
Devon, I'm a ball of tears after reading this. This vocalized and gave labels to so many fears and anxieties that I hold as an autistic trans woman who is figuring herself out later in life, and provided a framing and worldview that is*actually* useful to me as opposed to most kink and sex related advice out there. Thank you for writing this, you really have given me some tools to heal decades of trauma around sex.
“It's a kind of love, finding your spaces, your people, and the contexts in which some sacred, hidden part of you is set free”
Fantastic, thought-provoking piece. Thank you ❤️
I love conversations about kinks and the psychology behind it. I especially enjoy the neurodivergent, trauma-informed, discussion about it 🙌 can’t wait to read more.
I've come back to this article multiple times since it was first published & I'm totally floored by the way it's given me the language I've lacked for so long to talk about my own needs and experiences. Especially the seemingly "neutral, harmless, and *obligatory*" nature of "vanilla" sex. Vanilla activities leave me feeling empty, and like you described, alienated from my own body. Thank you ❤️
Had to come back and find this post after a break up with someone who did the dang same thing. This post helped me process so much harm I’ve experienced in queer community, thank you for sharing. ❤️🩹
I’ve always said I love kink because there’s a different sense of consent, vanilla and traditional relationship are often very coercive and not the most consensual
Thank you, always. It is a cathartic read as someone who likes things on both the "vanilla" and kink menus, but have had potential and past partners who did not want to communicate or got very weird about boundaries. More than specific sexual acts, I have wanted partners who are honest and respect boundaries. I don't regret scaring off people who were attracted to me but didn't want communication. But I also feel grief about how many people want to autopilot sex along certain sexual scripts. No communicating/negotiating. When I'm the only one willing to communicate my boundaries and desires, I can't relax, as I feel like either I'm going to get coerced or I'm going to violate someone without knowing I did. Both scenarios hurt. I don't want to be perceived by people who want autopilot, guess-culture sexual encounters.
I could comment on so many things but in general, all three inquiry responses have touched me. I always feel less alone when you write and like I can be a better friend to myself and people like myself. ✨❤️
Thank you for these thoughts! As someone who's just starting to consider their sex life differently, based on what I enjoy or not and not on what I'm supposed to like, it nurrishes my own reflective process to read your takes on these topics.
I've always hated the "recipes" of sex, and it explains why I mostly lost interest in any sexual relationships I had after a while, once it becomes a routine. This text will definitely help me go one step further with my own process.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this! I had no idea people were even allowed to pick and choose what sex acts they want and are okay with. I'm late diagnosed autistic (at 37, I'm now 40) and also recently realised I'm trans nonbinary and I've always had real problems with sex. I'm only recently realising it's to do with a fucked up cocktail of masking, sensory overload and dysphoria. I struggle with so-called vanilla sex but my fantasies involve stuff like submission and bondage. I thought I was just messed up, I didn't realise having squicks about 'vanilla' sex was even allowed! Thank you for making me realise this was okay, you've given me so much to think about. I've recently started working with a kink-positive therapist so I'm kind of excited to discuss this with them and start deconstructing my ideas of sex!
It is all allowed! and you're not alone. until I started playing with a bondage top who has "no sex, no vanilla" as his limits, I hadn't realized I was allowed to take or leave any part of sexuality for myself, too. but you really can't, and there are people out there who are just as happy to pick and choose from the buffet alongside you, and put together something that'll satisfy you both.
but you really can, I mean. voice to text typos
Devon, I'm a ball of tears after reading this. This vocalized and gave labels to so many fears and anxieties that I hold as an autistic trans woman who is figuring herself out later in life, and provided a framing and worldview that is*actually* useful to me as opposed to most kink and sex related advice out there. Thank you for writing this, you really have given me some tools to heal decades of trauma around sex.
“It's a kind of love, finding your spaces, your people, and the contexts in which some sacred, hidden part of you is set free”
Fantastic, thought-provoking piece. Thank you ❤️
I love conversations about kinks and the psychology behind it. I especially enjoy the neurodivergent, trauma-informed, discussion about it 🙌 can’t wait to read more.
I've come back to this article multiple times since it was first published & I'm totally floored by the way it's given me the language I've lacked for so long to talk about my own needs and experiences. Especially the seemingly "neutral, harmless, and *obligatory*" nature of "vanilla" sex. Vanilla activities leave me feeling empty, and like you described, alienated from my own body. Thank you ❤️
Had to come back and find this post after a break up with someone who did the dang same thing. This post helped me process so much harm I’ve experienced in queer community, thank you for sharing. ❤️🩹
I’ve always said I love kink because there’s a different sense of consent, vanilla and traditional relationship are often very coercive and not the most consensual