sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't work as hard or as long as most people before coming down with 'burnout' but I have to remind myself of the people that I cared for, for who learning one single piece of information as simple as the name of a new animal took at least a month of careful care and scaffolding. Pushing them further would have pushed them into burnout, and I wouldn't have judged them for it. We are all different with what we can tolerate before we crack. I just have to make myself believe that itss true for me too
I can relate! Working a 9-5 was nearly impossible for me, but even most of my part-time jobs have become such a struggle. I'm working on unpacking the guilt from that.
I relate.💜 My chronic autoimmune diseases make my job really difficult (I’m in a trade where i work with my hands), and I work four days a week, and sometimes I just feel so awful about how slow I am and how much less I can do in a day than some of the other folks I know in this trade. I actually shed a few tears about it this morning.
My burnout is extreme at times, and sometimes work takes everything I have to give to a day.
But ultimately I remind myself that I’m extremely lucky to own my own business, and I get to set the parameters of what ‘success’ looks like for me. Michelle Elman had a great podcast episode about this topic recently on her podcast ‘In All Honesty’ - would recommend!
We do what we can for as long as we can, and that’s being human. We were made for so much more but the greed of corporate late stage capitalism is affecting all of us on such a deep level psychologically and physically.
There is no shame in not being a machine - we shouldn’t have to be. I hope you find the kindness and support you deserve as you navigate healing💚🌱
Only having to work 8 hours a day would be considered incomprehensibly easy for the majority of human history. So if you are feeling guilty, maybe it’s because you a
Hunter gatherer socieites worked far less than that. Also, who says I work(ed) only eight hours a day? Additionally, I have six different disabilities at least - still going through the diagnosis process. My grandmother did not spend twelve hours on her hands and knees for me to be ruin my body that same way. Just because things were worse at one point in human history doesn't mean things won't get better. And yeah, I can't do what other people can. I just can't. I'm getting to the point where I can look at that guilt and see that It's just someone else's shame and nothing to do with me
It was a jarring notification to have pop up on my phone but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so seen by an article before. It’s been nearly eight years since I burned out, not with a fizzle but with a bang, and the bulk of the recovery has been working through the grief of the life/person I can no longer access and never will again. Thank you for writing this.
From a Te Ao Māori perspective the four pillars of wellbeing (Te whare tapa whā) are taha wairua/spiritual, taha hinengaro/mental and emotional, taha tinana/physical and taha whānau/family and social. No mention of work, or money. It bemuses me no end when white people say they “civilised” Māori through colonisation. There were well established and respected social, moral, trade etc systems and people were cared for by each other and part of a whole.
You’re right about capitalism, and so much history that we all bear the scars of.
Burnout is a result of this history, programming and rhetoric.
I am lucky to run a peer led NGO where I can let my staff take extended time off, sometimes months when they need it and our team covers each other without judgement.
The Manaakitanga that guides us and all that we do.
But still honouring burnout can be a privilege not bestowed on all. And there are so many systems and barriers put in place to make sure people don’t lose their value by way of “productivity”. People who need to work to survive and government benefits harder to have granted.
I’m constantly on the edge, but also solely responsible for funding our mahi and upholding the kaupapa of our service and it’s harder for me to step away. Single mumming a disabled daughter, needing to provide and never quite achieving the balance that I advocate for my staff to reach. It’s a challenge.
Continue to honour your needs Devon, and don’t discount the mahi you do just by Being Here.
Also a feature of all "great" Western civilizations throughout history. Interesting that you call it a feature but present it as a bug. Please stop embarrassing yourself under this article.
Don't call me a liberal, I'm offended! Leftist is more apt. What was the point of your original comment in the first place? Completely unnecessary response to a very genuine sharing of underrepresented cultural values.
This speaks to me deeply. Specifically, I've never heard anyone voice that fear of childishness before, but it's a huge thing for me.
More generally, because of my particular context (left an abuse situation that was both relationship and career) I've become very attuned to the ways in which it's hard to rest because the places we find ourselves (more dependent on welfare/benefits than before; reliant on government/social housing) often add demands to our lives rather than reducing them. Years after leaving, I am - if anything - more deeply burt out, because the realities of those systems failing me mean I've never actually reached a state of non-emergency. And that deeply worries me, because I'm aware (due to a 95%-disabled social circle) that there's no limit to how far one can fall in functional capacity.
If our societies were able to recognise the inherent worth of a human life this would not be such a problem, but the insistence on viewing every life in terms of its productive capacity under capitalism warps everything. In the UK, under Labour, we're experiencing a redoubling of this mentality: the powers that be admit no crime more damning than worklessness, and so we continue trying to survive and building coalition with each other.
I don't doubt that COVID has led to a doubling-down of such attitudes in both officialdom and individual lives - people are terrified by the optics of disability, when those optics show up in themselves, and this no doubt pushes people deeper into burnout than they would otherwise have gone...
Rest “ Adding demands to our life” is so well stated! I was actually trying to think through this yesterday; after many years off work, why dont i feel any better? Well of course as soon as i took a step back from work a huge new burden of shame, fear of destitution, etc, came into play. So is it even really rest if the mental weight is so much??
My therapist said something to me recently that I think applies to what you’re talking about - I’m experiencing both physical disability and significant personal crisis recently, and I expressed how exhausted I was feeling even when I’ve cut back my daily activities. She observed that I was spending most of my free time worrying about the situations I’m dealing with, and she said, “you need to start recognizing that thinking about these problems is also labor”. And I realized she is right! The more I fixated on things I couldn’t action, the worse I felt, mentally and physically. I’m working on finding ways to 1. Disrupt the fixation on uncontrollable factors and 2. Give myself permission to rest, but as you’ve observed it is not an easy thing to do. Maybe it starts with recognizing that we are all inherently worthy of joy and rest, regardless of effort. I’ve also given myself x amount of time to worry about the thing, try to identify actions, and then I have to stop and do something enriching and fun, even if nothing got solved. Maybe you can find your own ways to allow yourself more joy and acceptance. I hope so!
God, this was both so hard to read and so completely natural that I understood it better than most things I've read in the past couple of years. I'm not on the spectrum (I think?) but I have multiple chronic illnesses, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue, and my god do I struggle with productivity. Exactly as stated in this post, I used to be wildly productive - in college full time, working three jobs, volunteering, leading two student organizations... then I crashed. It's been 13 years and I've never been the same, and I still grieve the person I was and wish every day I could go back. And because of that, I'm constantly pushing myself too hard, causing myself to crash again, and being full of guilt and shame over my lack of productivity. I can't bring myself to ask for help, can't convince myself that I deserve and NEED a break... I just keep pushing and pushing. And I know it's bad for me; I would tell any friend or family member, hell, even strangers, that they shouldn't do that to themselves. But I hold myself to a different standard. I feel like, being disabled, I have to constantly prove my worth as a human being, and failing to meet my own impossible standards just... scares me, I guess. Especially post-COVID, hearing talk that people like me were "acceptable losses" for the sake of reopening the economy... My life was worth less than some megacorporation billionaire CEO's Christmas bonus. I have to constantly prove to others that my life has worth. I have to prove that to myself. And the weight of that is slowly crushing my body and soul. I'm exhausted. But I feel like I can't take a break. I persevere at my own expense.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for helping me see that so many others are feeling the same way, that I'm not alone and uniquely weak or lazy. And yes, I own your book and need to read it, because the title alone, "Laziness Does Not Exist," hit me really hard.
Oh man, I have so many thoughts swirling around. I am an ER doctor. Research shows that 75% of us are burned out. I have been moderately to severely burned out for at least 80% of my 15 year career (very conservative estimate). I took a 6 month leave of absence. I went from full time to just 1-2 shifts a month on my return, but I still have an intense feeling of dread before shifts and shake when I put on my scrubs. I thought working the shifts would relieve money anxiety. I don't have any physical symptoms to point to as a reason I "can't" do it, which is making it so hard to figure out the next step, plus there's the COVID trauma on top of that. Anyway, I'm sorry to dump all my shit here, but understanding Hey you may just never be able to go back is an important consideration that I think I had been willfully ignoring.
I’m 59–not really so old, but plenty of aching joints and poorly-functioning hearts in our household—but this is basically the life we have crafted for ourselves after many debilitating burnouts—lots of time with the people we love, lots and lots of beauty and pleasure. It’s not showy, and doesn’t make much money at all, but it’s a good, good life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, certainly not for wealth or acclaim.
Wishing every simple pleasure to you and yours Devon, and hoping you can keep letting go. So glad to be sharing the world with you for this time that our lives overlap!
I'll never be able to thank you enough for writing this piece. Having learned only recently at 44 that I'm autistic, I've had to do a lot of personal work and healing around my catastrophic burnout in 2022 because as a Mom working full time from home, with kids in school and my elderly parents living with us, I could not actually do it all. I left the nonprofit sector and a career I loved after twelve years, and you're right, I don't think I'll ever fully recover. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences and understand the devastation left in its wake has been a huge part of helping me heal. Someday I hope to offer that to someone in return as well, but for now I just hold tremendous gratitude for you helping me feel a little less alone today ♥️
Thank you for this and for everything you share here- I'm becoming more aware of my place on the autism spectrum especially as it relates to my day to day life. I went through a bachelor's of education at my university with intent to become a teacher, and the normalization of burnout absolutely baffled me. I have a screenshot saved with a "signs of burnout" slide which listed everything I'd been experiencing since the start of the semester- apathy, lack of self esteem, substance use, constant dread, all of it- but provided absolutely no suggestions for addressing said burnout. I was in the worst mental health space of my life during practicum and still there were teachers almost gleefully telling me that, *actually*, the *real* work would begin during my first five years of teaching. I would not have survived another year in that mental state, let alone five, and it disgusted me that so many teachers were uncritically parroting this idea that struggling to the point of misery for years on end is simply the price to be paid for doing the work they do. Burnt out people don't create positive learning environments, and yet it's fully expected for burnt out teachers to power through to the bitter end.
Shocking, and not shocking. I recall reading about an incident in which the chef/owner of Chez Panisse in Berkeley, in the early days of the restaurant, had an episode of temporary blindness while working in the kitchen, due to severe burnout. After my Covid stroke in 2020, no one -- neither my accountant nor my physician -- bothered to inform me that I could apply for disability so that I could take time to heal; instead, I lost massive amounts of work and went through six figures of savings loss while trying to care for myself, only to come back to my (gig) jobs full throttle to make up for the lost time and money. The one thing that is not mentioned here, and needs to be: the many (many, many) of us who are also (in addition to our daily work) part-time or full-time caregivers for an ill spouse, elderly parent, or child. I am the sole caregiver for my 89 year old mentally ill mother, and when I had to cancel a nursing assessment because of a long-planned work commitment, I received a string of calls from her medicaid service, implying that her services would be cancelled if I didn't "also" step up to the plate, despite the 6-8 hours of time I give my mother's care on a daily. basis. After I "how dare you"d them to death, they continued to threaten. What's my choice: give up my work? This is worse for gig workers with a child at home AND an elderly parent. How to put one foot in front of the other in this, the so-called country of "life?"
I also wrote about laziness (or lack thereof) and get so frustrated at myself for slipping back into patterns of shame or like I’m not living up to expectations. I try to remind myself I catch myself faster than I used to and try allow myself grace but it isn’t always easy.
This line jumped out at me with equal relief and fear “Maybe it’s time to embrace being weak.”
A friend of mine recently described being autistic/adhd not as c-PTSD but as c-TSD because there is no after. This article reminded me of that and I can’t remember exactly what the connection was but now I am too tired to explain it, so I am leaving this here in the hope that it will be valuable anyway.
Thank you for another great thought-provoking piece.
I love your writing but IMO you as a person are worth more than the value your writing brings to me and other people. I wish you all the best if/when you decide to throw your computer across the room and never write again ❤️
I feel so seen by this article. I burnt out the worst I’ve ever burnt out, despite living the last year with what might appear a delving into understanding autistic me, less demands, disabled without economic work (but the inner work has taken over), etc. and I literally crashed after my move in May. I had to mask more than I had prior as I was feeling more myself, embracing & living myself & being autistic me, but then I moved closer to people I had to mask and be less myself which myself is a lot younger appearing than they would like & I crashed and burnt out from everything so hard. I couldn’t leave I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t do anything and what was written just resonated. I definitely have needed external comfort items like my blanket more for regulation, and don’t appear as someone would expect and as I rebuild from burn out trying to cast off the expectation because of connecting more with the authenticity of who I am but it’s hard because external society still has so many expectations of what you look like. And I have found, there’s a lot I can’t do anymore that I could & I’m learning to make peace with that.
Oh, it really hits home! I often wonder if I have suffered from depression since I was 12, or if the bouts of depression were actually autistic burnout in "disguise". Currently I am disabled and struggling with pacing, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I might never be able to work full-time again. I can manage about 15 hours a week, and can't go back to school to change careers, so I am stuck. There's so much shame (due to having to share that fact with others) and anger (due to their response and systemic failures) that come with that, and I feel that not having outlets to let that out is scorching me from the inside.
If anyone in the chat has Long Covid and is an AuHDer, wherever you are, I send some warm greetings. I really wish people knew how little doctors know about us and how to help. I wish people knew that once you get to the stage in which you have tried the few things that are available, experimental treatments, (and they haven't done miracles) you have to sit with yourself and reassess everything, everything! There's immense grief in knowing that it is unlikely that there will be any meaningful help coming our way, and we'll be starved of the compassion and understanding we badly need from those who are supposed to help.
I love my slow life in some ways and agree that it really shows you what you truly need and care about, yet there is unbearable pain embedded in it.
Also going through a similar reflection of “did I ever really have seemingly random depression/anxiety (also diagnosed at that age!) or had the hormonal and social changes of that age just made masking impossible?” 😮💨
Also, I am so sorry that you are dealing with Long Covid; I am one of the seemingly few people who are aware of it and try my best not to catch or spread Covid; because I know having Long Covid would make my job impossible, and like you, I don’t think going back to school for something else would be an option.
I just want to say what all of us need to hear, which is that you are not the problem; the systems of modern life are the problem. (And I completely share your rage-with-nowhere-to-go at the unjustness of it all.) ❤️🩹
I cried a little at this - I've felt the pull of burnout tugging on me since high school and have had to fight tooth and nail to keep boundaries safely set to prevent overwork. I started a new job this year and the summer season is ridiculously overpacked; it took me a month and a half of slowing down and taking time back from work to stop the hurting myself ideations. Thanks for writing what you can. You're right to not overtax yourself, and what you've generated is already so incredibly great for the underrepresented in this godforsaken "modernity."
Thanks for writing this. As someone who is dealing with rebuilding my life from burnout and trauma for being fired after asking for help with ADHD it is good to hear that I'm not alone. I constantly beat myself up about how long it is taking to make things better. So many people close to me don't get it.
sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't work as hard or as long as most people before coming down with 'burnout' but I have to remind myself of the people that I cared for, for who learning one single piece of information as simple as the name of a new animal took at least a month of careful care and scaffolding. Pushing them further would have pushed them into burnout, and I wouldn't have judged them for it. We are all different with what we can tolerate before we crack. I just have to make myself believe that itss true for me too
I can relate! Working a 9-5 was nearly impossible for me, but even most of my part-time jobs have become such a struggle. I'm working on unpacking the guilt from that.
I relate.💜 My chronic autoimmune diseases make my job really difficult (I’m in a trade where i work with my hands), and I work four days a week, and sometimes I just feel so awful about how slow I am and how much less I can do in a day than some of the other folks I know in this trade. I actually shed a few tears about it this morning.
My burnout is extreme at times, and sometimes work takes everything I have to give to a day.
But ultimately I remind myself that I’m extremely lucky to own my own business, and I get to set the parameters of what ‘success’ looks like for me. Michelle Elman had a great podcast episode about this topic recently on her podcast ‘In All Honesty’ - would recommend!
We do what we can for as long as we can, and that’s being human. We were made for so much more but the greed of corporate late stage capitalism is affecting all of us on such a deep level psychologically and physically.
There is no shame in not being a machine - we shouldn’t have to be. I hope you find the kindness and support you deserve as you navigate healing💚🌱
You as well! I've only just seen this lovely comment, thank you
Only having to work 8 hours a day would be considered incomprehensibly easy for the majority of human history. So if you are feeling guilty, maybe it’s because you a
Hunter gatherer socieites worked far less than that. Also, who says I work(ed) only eight hours a day? Additionally, I have six different disabilities at least - still going through the diagnosis process. My grandmother did not spend twelve hours on her hands and knees for me to be ruin my body that same way. Just because things were worse at one point in human history doesn't mean things won't get better. And yeah, I can't do what other people can. I just can't. I'm getting to the point where I can look at that guilt and see that It's just someone else's shame and nothing to do with me
Might want to reevaluate that belief: https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/for-95-percent-of-human-history-people-worked-15-hours-a-week-could-we-do-it-again.html
It was a jarring notification to have pop up on my phone but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so seen by an article before. It’s been nearly eight years since I burned out, not with a fizzle but with a bang, and the bulk of the recovery has been working through the grief of the life/person I can no longer access and never will again. Thank you for writing this.
I could have written your comment, except it’s been nine years for me not eight. And still, there’s a mountain of grief.
From a Te Ao Māori perspective the four pillars of wellbeing (Te whare tapa whā) are taha wairua/spiritual, taha hinengaro/mental and emotional, taha tinana/physical and taha whānau/family and social. No mention of work, or money. It bemuses me no end when white people say they “civilised” Māori through colonisation. There were well established and respected social, moral, trade etc systems and people were cared for by each other and part of a whole.
You’re right about capitalism, and so much history that we all bear the scars of.
Burnout is a result of this history, programming and rhetoric.
I am lucky to run a peer led NGO where I can let my staff take extended time off, sometimes months when they need it and our team covers each other without judgement.
The Manaakitanga that guides us and all that we do.
But still honouring burnout can be a privilege not bestowed on all. And there are so many systems and barriers put in place to make sure people don’t lose their value by way of “productivity”. People who need to work to survive and government benefits harder to have granted.
I’m constantly on the edge, but also solely responsible for funding our mahi and upholding the kaupapa of our service and it’s harder for me to step away. Single mumming a disabled daughter, needing to provide and never quite achieving the balance that I advocate for my staff to reach. It’s a challenge.
Continue to honour your needs Devon, and don’t discount the mahi you do just by Being Here.
Nga mihi x
You left out the violent unrelenting warfare that was a feature of pre-colonisation Māori society.
Also a feature of all "great" Western civilizations throughout history. Interesting that you call it a feature but present it as a bug. Please stop embarrassing yourself under this article.
Sure also a feature of western civilisation through history but could you give your white liberal noble savage bullshit a break?
Don't call me a liberal, I'm offended! Leftist is more apt. What was the point of your original comment in the first place? Completely unnecessary response to a very genuine sharing of underrepresented cultural values.
They're very represented these days. But they weren't superior either
This speaks to me deeply. Specifically, I've never heard anyone voice that fear of childishness before, but it's a huge thing for me.
More generally, because of my particular context (left an abuse situation that was both relationship and career) I've become very attuned to the ways in which it's hard to rest because the places we find ourselves (more dependent on welfare/benefits than before; reliant on government/social housing) often add demands to our lives rather than reducing them. Years after leaving, I am - if anything - more deeply burt out, because the realities of those systems failing me mean I've never actually reached a state of non-emergency. And that deeply worries me, because I'm aware (due to a 95%-disabled social circle) that there's no limit to how far one can fall in functional capacity.
If our societies were able to recognise the inherent worth of a human life this would not be such a problem, but the insistence on viewing every life in terms of its productive capacity under capitalism warps everything. In the UK, under Labour, we're experiencing a redoubling of this mentality: the powers that be admit no crime more damning than worklessness, and so we continue trying to survive and building coalition with each other.
I don't doubt that COVID has led to a doubling-down of such attitudes in both officialdom and individual lives - people are terrified by the optics of disability, when those optics show up in themselves, and this no doubt pushes people deeper into burnout than they would otherwise have gone...
Rest “ Adding demands to our life” is so well stated! I was actually trying to think through this yesterday; after many years off work, why dont i feel any better? Well of course as soon as i took a step back from work a huge new burden of shame, fear of destitution, etc, came into play. So is it even really rest if the mental weight is so much??
My therapist said something to me recently that I think applies to what you’re talking about - I’m experiencing both physical disability and significant personal crisis recently, and I expressed how exhausted I was feeling even when I’ve cut back my daily activities. She observed that I was spending most of my free time worrying about the situations I’m dealing with, and she said, “you need to start recognizing that thinking about these problems is also labor”. And I realized she is right! The more I fixated on things I couldn’t action, the worse I felt, mentally and physically. I’m working on finding ways to 1. Disrupt the fixation on uncontrollable factors and 2. Give myself permission to rest, but as you’ve observed it is not an easy thing to do. Maybe it starts with recognizing that we are all inherently worthy of joy and rest, regardless of effort. I’ve also given myself x amount of time to worry about the thing, try to identify actions, and then I have to stop and do something enriching and fun, even if nothing got solved. Maybe you can find your own ways to allow yourself more joy and acceptance. I hope so!
May you be well!
God, this was both so hard to read and so completely natural that I understood it better than most things I've read in the past couple of years. I'm not on the spectrum (I think?) but I have multiple chronic illnesses, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue, and my god do I struggle with productivity. Exactly as stated in this post, I used to be wildly productive - in college full time, working three jobs, volunteering, leading two student organizations... then I crashed. It's been 13 years and I've never been the same, and I still grieve the person I was and wish every day I could go back. And because of that, I'm constantly pushing myself too hard, causing myself to crash again, and being full of guilt and shame over my lack of productivity. I can't bring myself to ask for help, can't convince myself that I deserve and NEED a break... I just keep pushing and pushing. And I know it's bad for me; I would tell any friend or family member, hell, even strangers, that they shouldn't do that to themselves. But I hold myself to a different standard. I feel like, being disabled, I have to constantly prove my worth as a human being, and failing to meet my own impossible standards just... scares me, I guess. Especially post-COVID, hearing talk that people like me were "acceptable losses" for the sake of reopening the economy... My life was worth less than some megacorporation billionaire CEO's Christmas bonus. I have to constantly prove to others that my life has worth. I have to prove that to myself. And the weight of that is slowly crushing my body and soul. I'm exhausted. But I feel like I can't take a break. I persevere at my own expense.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for helping me see that so many others are feeling the same way, that I'm not alone and uniquely weak or lazy. And yes, I own your book and need to read it, because the title alone, "Laziness Does Not Exist," hit me really hard.
Oh man, I have so many thoughts swirling around. I am an ER doctor. Research shows that 75% of us are burned out. I have been moderately to severely burned out for at least 80% of my 15 year career (very conservative estimate). I took a 6 month leave of absence. I went from full time to just 1-2 shifts a month on my return, but I still have an intense feeling of dread before shifts and shake when I put on my scrubs. I thought working the shifts would relieve money anxiety. I don't have any physical symptoms to point to as a reason I "can't" do it, which is making it so hard to figure out the next step, plus there's the COVID trauma on top of that. Anyway, I'm sorry to dump all my shit here, but understanding Hey you may just never be able to go back is an important consideration that I think I had been willfully ignoring.
Have you heard of “SPK - Turn Illness into a Weapon”? It’s so tight - become unknowable. ✌️👽
I’m 59–not really so old, but plenty of aching joints and poorly-functioning hearts in our household—but this is basically the life we have crafted for ourselves after many debilitating burnouts—lots of time with the people we love, lots and lots of beauty and pleasure. It’s not showy, and doesn’t make much money at all, but it’s a good, good life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, certainly not for wealth or acclaim.
Wishing every simple pleasure to you and yours Devon, and hoping you can keep letting go. So glad to be sharing the world with you for this time that our lives overlap!
I second that last sentiment!
I'll never be able to thank you enough for writing this piece. Having learned only recently at 44 that I'm autistic, I've had to do a lot of personal work and healing around my catastrophic burnout in 2022 because as a Mom working full time from home, with kids in school and my elderly parents living with us, I could not actually do it all. I left the nonprofit sector and a career I loved after twelve years, and you're right, I don't think I'll ever fully recover. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences and understand the devastation left in its wake has been a huge part of helping me heal. Someday I hope to offer that to someone in return as well, but for now I just hold tremendous gratitude for you helping me feel a little less alone today ♥️
Thank you for this and for everything you share here- I'm becoming more aware of my place on the autism spectrum especially as it relates to my day to day life. I went through a bachelor's of education at my university with intent to become a teacher, and the normalization of burnout absolutely baffled me. I have a screenshot saved with a "signs of burnout" slide which listed everything I'd been experiencing since the start of the semester- apathy, lack of self esteem, substance use, constant dread, all of it- but provided absolutely no suggestions for addressing said burnout. I was in the worst mental health space of my life during practicum and still there were teachers almost gleefully telling me that, *actually*, the *real* work would begin during my first five years of teaching. I would not have survived another year in that mental state, let alone five, and it disgusted me that so many teachers were uncritically parroting this idea that struggling to the point of misery for years on end is simply the price to be paid for doing the work they do. Burnt out people don't create positive learning environments, and yet it's fully expected for burnt out teachers to power through to the bitter end.
Shocking, and not shocking. I recall reading about an incident in which the chef/owner of Chez Panisse in Berkeley, in the early days of the restaurant, had an episode of temporary blindness while working in the kitchen, due to severe burnout. After my Covid stroke in 2020, no one -- neither my accountant nor my physician -- bothered to inform me that I could apply for disability so that I could take time to heal; instead, I lost massive amounts of work and went through six figures of savings loss while trying to care for myself, only to come back to my (gig) jobs full throttle to make up for the lost time and money. The one thing that is not mentioned here, and needs to be: the many (many, many) of us who are also (in addition to our daily work) part-time or full-time caregivers for an ill spouse, elderly parent, or child. I am the sole caregiver for my 89 year old mentally ill mother, and when I had to cancel a nursing assessment because of a long-planned work commitment, I received a string of calls from her medicaid service, implying that her services would be cancelled if I didn't "also" step up to the plate, despite the 6-8 hours of time I give my mother's care on a daily. basis. After I "how dare you"d them to death, they continued to threaten. What's my choice: give up my work? This is worse for gig workers with a child at home AND an elderly parent. How to put one foot in front of the other in this, the so-called country of "life?"
I also wrote about laziness (or lack thereof) and get so frustrated at myself for slipping back into patterns of shame or like I’m not living up to expectations. I try to remind myself I catch myself faster than I used to and try allow myself grace but it isn’t always easy.
This line jumped out at me with equal relief and fear “Maybe it’s time to embrace being weak.”
A friend of mine recently described being autistic/adhd not as c-PTSD but as c-TSD because there is no after. This article reminded me of that and I can’t remember exactly what the connection was but now I am too tired to explain it, so I am leaving this here in the hope that it will be valuable anyway.
Thank you for another great thought-provoking piece.
I love your writing but IMO you as a person are worth more than the value your writing brings to me and other people. I wish you all the best if/when you decide to throw your computer across the room and never write again ❤️
I feel so seen by this article. I burnt out the worst I’ve ever burnt out, despite living the last year with what might appear a delving into understanding autistic me, less demands, disabled without economic work (but the inner work has taken over), etc. and I literally crashed after my move in May. I had to mask more than I had prior as I was feeling more myself, embracing & living myself & being autistic me, but then I moved closer to people I had to mask and be less myself which myself is a lot younger appearing than they would like & I crashed and burnt out from everything so hard. I couldn’t leave I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t do anything and what was written just resonated. I definitely have needed external comfort items like my blanket more for regulation, and don’t appear as someone would expect and as I rebuild from burn out trying to cast off the expectation because of connecting more with the authenticity of who I am but it’s hard because external society still has so many expectations of what you look like. And I have found, there’s a lot I can’t do anymore that I could & I’m learning to make peace with that.
Oh, it really hits home! I often wonder if I have suffered from depression since I was 12, or if the bouts of depression were actually autistic burnout in "disguise". Currently I am disabled and struggling with pacing, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I might never be able to work full-time again. I can manage about 15 hours a week, and can't go back to school to change careers, so I am stuck. There's so much shame (due to having to share that fact with others) and anger (due to their response and systemic failures) that come with that, and I feel that not having outlets to let that out is scorching me from the inside.
If anyone in the chat has Long Covid and is an AuHDer, wherever you are, I send some warm greetings. I really wish people knew how little doctors know about us and how to help. I wish people knew that once you get to the stage in which you have tried the few things that are available, experimental treatments, (and they haven't done miracles) you have to sit with yourself and reassess everything, everything! There's immense grief in knowing that it is unlikely that there will be any meaningful help coming our way, and we'll be starved of the compassion and understanding we badly need from those who are supposed to help.
I love my slow life in some ways and agree that it really shows you what you truly need and care about, yet there is unbearable pain embedded in it.
Also going through a similar reflection of “did I ever really have seemingly random depression/anxiety (also diagnosed at that age!) or had the hormonal and social changes of that age just made masking impossible?” 😮💨
Also, I am so sorry that you are dealing with Long Covid; I am one of the seemingly few people who are aware of it and try my best not to catch or spread Covid; because I know having Long Covid would make my job impossible, and like you, I don’t think going back to school for something else would be an option.
I just want to say what all of us need to hear, which is that you are not the problem; the systems of modern life are the problem. (And I completely share your rage-with-nowhere-to-go at the unjustness of it all.) ❤️🩹
I cried a little at this - I've felt the pull of burnout tugging on me since high school and have had to fight tooth and nail to keep boundaries safely set to prevent overwork. I started a new job this year and the summer season is ridiculously overpacked; it took me a month and a half of slowing down and taking time back from work to stop the hurting myself ideations. Thanks for writing what you can. You're right to not overtax yourself, and what you've generated is already so incredibly great for the underrepresented in this godforsaken "modernity."
Thanks for writing this. As someone who is dealing with rebuilding my life from burnout and trauma for being fired after asking for help with ADHD it is good to hear that I'm not alone. I constantly beat myself up about how long it is taking to make things better. So many people close to me don't get it.