I’m cis so my experience isn’t the exact same but I was belittled after I disclosed I was autistic and not listened to over things I had requested in relation to autism. I started a log of dates, details of what happened, what was said / done and how I felt. At the very least when I reread over everything I felt less crazy and stopped gaslighting myself that these incidents weren’t significant and that I was blowing the out of proportion. Together they easily highlight a pattern of discrimination that could help in the future.
I’m new to your Substack, Devon, and I appreciate the “mini” pieces you’re putting in here. I appreciate hearing lived experience and your replies. I don’t know enough about living in the trans experiences to be able to speak to those elements personally, but the damned-if-you-do/don’t feelings in this letter from the work colleagues’ communication criticisms are very familiar to me as an AuDHD being. I have to have hope that with more and more spaces opening up around us that affirm and celebrate our differences, and see them as contributing to our human resiliency (instead of stigmatizing and pathologizing them), that things will get better. I hope that this writer is able to feel supported here, while they find their support around them at work.
Autistic and AFAB nonbinary who has often been read as AMAB trans here. Obviously this is an issue of transmisogyny and ableism here, so OP shouldn't have to adjust her behavior to deal with it, but I have a lot of ideas for things to try in case she does!
1 - Get feedback on message drafts before sending them, or even get a coworker/supervisor to send them
This is something I've just always taken for granted at work: If I'm sending an important email to people outside my immediate team, I often get my boss to review it, especially when I'm not sure about things like tone or level of detail to include. My bosses have appreciated this behavior because it prevents faux pas or accidentally sharing sensitive information (and these are mistakes a neurotypical person who was relatively new to the team/didn't have as much info as the boss could make too!). And sometimes my boss will delegate the drafting of an email to me: I put in all the details that could be relevant, then they polish it off and send it, removing whatever they don't think is needed.
If your boss isn't available much, you could also ask a coworker to review it––or even send it if they have a better relationship with the recipient and won't get ignored. I think it's even neuronormative to establish certain people as points of contact with other groups/individuals on such a basis.
2 - Work on being assertive (persistent/emphatic) while being nonthreatening
Something I recently realized is that I've continued "feminine" behaviors such as acting ditzy at all stages of my transition without getting negative reactions for it. Asking for help from colleagues/supervisors can actually work on multiple levels: You're getting feedback on your communication before you send it, you're getting them to identify *with* you rather than against you in the case where your missive gets ignored or responded to in anger, and you're assuming what some people might (consciously or subconsciously) see as an appropriately feminine/submissive role by asking for help.
There are a lot of "feminine"-coded strategies for being assertive in indirect ways so you don't have to choose between being blunt and being soft in a way that gets you ignored. Asking for help and otherwise acting kind of unsure, ditzy, helpless, and/or self-deprecating can get people to attend to your issue, and there's a decent chance they'll actually respect your abilities more if they see them as a positive contrast to how you present yourself. So instead of the "blunt": "Reminder, this is going to cause everything to be on fire if you don't fix it by Friday," you can go with something like, "Can I talk to you for a minute? I'm kind of freaking out because if I understand this right, things are going to be *very bad*, but I want you to check my logic because maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion." This also leads to people feeling like it was their idea/their discovery which is irksome but probably better than being ignored and having things blow up––they'll feel a lot more emotional ownership over the problem and want to fix it.
3 - Try to win some people over, at least a little bit
I know, I know, in an ideal world you could just walk away and never have to see these transphobes again––but assuming you stay at this job, it seems like a big part of the root of the problem is that people don't like you. It's not your fault they don't like you, but you'll have more clout at work the more people feel attached to you.
I bet you've worked in an office where there was that one woman who would bring in baked goods from time to time. Maybe she liked baking, maybe she was using a strategy to deal with misogyny. If you're up for it, that could be a good strategy for getting recognition and approval from the sorts of far-flung coworkers who might simply ignore your emails, and it'll likely buy some favor on your immediate team as well. On top of that, bringing someone food or other small gifts can be a good pretext for following up with them on an email they ignored or broaching a subject in person.
You can also just give people compliments more, ask them about their life, etc. I'm sure your office has some people, including higher-ranking types, who want an audience to vent to and having a perceived low status can be an advantage in becoming that non-threatening person someone habitually talks to. This can also work well over messaging if you work remotely.
Asking for and offering help, sharing photos of your pets or vacation, eating lunch together, offering to carpool––all of these are ways to build relationships. The more people who see you and appreciate you, in any way, as a person, the less likely you'll be ignored when you say something in a meeting or send a message. Hell, even something like showing up to the office in a killer Halloween costume (assuming that's considered appropriate) might give you positive recognition.
I’m cis so my experience isn’t the exact same but I was belittled after I disclosed I was autistic and not listened to over things I had requested in relation to autism. I started a log of dates, details of what happened, what was said / done and how I felt. At the very least when I reread over everything I felt less crazy and stopped gaslighting myself that these incidents weren’t significant and that I was blowing the out of proportion. Together they easily highlight a pattern of discrimination that could help in the future.
I’m new to your Substack, Devon, and I appreciate the “mini” pieces you’re putting in here. I appreciate hearing lived experience and your replies. I don’t know enough about living in the trans experiences to be able to speak to those elements personally, but the damned-if-you-do/don’t feelings in this letter from the work colleagues’ communication criticisms are very familiar to me as an AuDHD being. I have to have hope that with more and more spaces opening up around us that affirm and celebrate our differences, and see them as contributing to our human resiliency (instead of stigmatizing and pathologizing them), that things will get better. I hope that this writer is able to feel supported here, while they find their support around them at work.
Autistic and AFAB nonbinary who has often been read as AMAB trans here. Obviously this is an issue of transmisogyny and ableism here, so OP shouldn't have to adjust her behavior to deal with it, but I have a lot of ideas for things to try in case she does!
1 - Get feedback on message drafts before sending them, or even get a coworker/supervisor to send them
This is something I've just always taken for granted at work: If I'm sending an important email to people outside my immediate team, I often get my boss to review it, especially when I'm not sure about things like tone or level of detail to include. My bosses have appreciated this behavior because it prevents faux pas or accidentally sharing sensitive information (and these are mistakes a neurotypical person who was relatively new to the team/didn't have as much info as the boss could make too!). And sometimes my boss will delegate the drafting of an email to me: I put in all the details that could be relevant, then they polish it off and send it, removing whatever they don't think is needed.
If your boss isn't available much, you could also ask a coworker to review it––or even send it if they have a better relationship with the recipient and won't get ignored. I think it's even neuronormative to establish certain people as points of contact with other groups/individuals on such a basis.
2 - Work on being assertive (persistent/emphatic) while being nonthreatening
Something I recently realized is that I've continued "feminine" behaviors such as acting ditzy at all stages of my transition without getting negative reactions for it. Asking for help from colleagues/supervisors can actually work on multiple levels: You're getting feedback on your communication before you send it, you're getting them to identify *with* you rather than against you in the case where your missive gets ignored or responded to in anger, and you're assuming what some people might (consciously or subconsciously) see as an appropriately feminine/submissive role by asking for help.
There are a lot of "feminine"-coded strategies for being assertive in indirect ways so you don't have to choose between being blunt and being soft in a way that gets you ignored. Asking for help and otherwise acting kind of unsure, ditzy, helpless, and/or self-deprecating can get people to attend to your issue, and there's a decent chance they'll actually respect your abilities more if they see them as a positive contrast to how you present yourself. So instead of the "blunt": "Reminder, this is going to cause everything to be on fire if you don't fix it by Friday," you can go with something like, "Can I talk to you for a minute? I'm kind of freaking out because if I understand this right, things are going to be *very bad*, but I want you to check my logic because maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion." This also leads to people feeling like it was their idea/their discovery which is irksome but probably better than being ignored and having things blow up––they'll feel a lot more emotional ownership over the problem and want to fix it.
3 - Try to win some people over, at least a little bit
I know, I know, in an ideal world you could just walk away and never have to see these transphobes again––but assuming you stay at this job, it seems like a big part of the root of the problem is that people don't like you. It's not your fault they don't like you, but you'll have more clout at work the more people feel attached to you.
I bet you've worked in an office where there was that one woman who would bring in baked goods from time to time. Maybe she liked baking, maybe she was using a strategy to deal with misogyny. If you're up for it, that could be a good strategy for getting recognition and approval from the sorts of far-flung coworkers who might simply ignore your emails, and it'll likely buy some favor on your immediate team as well. On top of that, bringing someone food or other small gifts can be a good pretext for following up with them on an email they ignored or broaching a subject in person.
You can also just give people compliments more, ask them about their life, etc. I'm sure your office has some people, including higher-ranking types, who want an audience to vent to and having a perceived low status can be an advantage in becoming that non-threatening person someone habitually talks to. This can also work well over messaging if you work remotely.
Asking for and offering help, sharing photos of your pets or vacation, eating lunch together, offering to carpool––all of these are ways to build relationships. The more people who see you and appreciate you, in any way, as a person, the less likely you'll be ignored when you say something in a meeting or send a message. Hell, even something like showing up to the office in a killer Halloween costume (assuming that's considered appropriate) might give you positive recognition.