The Trans & Autistic Guide to Cruising
Exploring desire in bars, backrooms, parks, saunas, and beyond.
Leo Herrera (a writer, photographer, and filmmaker whom I really admire) has already written several guides to the art of cruising. I’m a big fan of Leo’s work in general, which blends an easy, gimlet-eyed humor with great compassion, sensibility, and a healthy awe for queer history, and I consider his cruising how-to’s to be the definitive introduction to the subject. I recommend reading them before diving into this piece.
You can find the full collection of Leo’s writings about cruising in his book, or at the following links:
Leo Herrera’s writing explains cruising to a gay male audience that is primarily cis, though I’ve followed his advice to the letter and found it applies just as easily to me, a gay trans man. He’s frank about cruising spaces being beset with all the same problems as any other area of gay life — yes, there is fatphobia, anti-Blackness, ageism, bottom shame, and other problems — while also singing the praises of cruising as a shockingly egalitarian, accessible practice where a huge variety of people convene.
In other words, yes, there’s fatphobia in the showers of the gym where guys find one another to fuck — but there are also lots of fat people there, having lots of hot sex. Yes, you will receive attention that you do not want sometimes, or fail to connect with a handsome stranger, if you cruise, but it’s easy enough to move on.
Gay men who cruise learn to navigate these environments with a high degree of social awareness and a cultivated unflappability. You shoot your shot, you get turned down, and sometimes the people who approach you might harbor some fetishistic interest. It’s all on the table, in the cruising space: we come together, we break apart, we watch, we get messy, and we float around the backroom like a fish in the tank, scanning for something we might never find. Many nights, we go home empty-handed. Other times, we’ve made memories that will accrue interest in our spank bank for a lifetime.
I have heard from many trans and/or Autistic queer people that they like the idea of casual, anonymous sex of the sort that happens in the gay bathhouse, or the park marked on the Sniffies map, but they fear they will never be able to access it themselves.
They assume that a trans person won’t ever be welcome, or that because they do not read neurotypical social cues with ease, the cruising ecosystem will forever remain inscrutable to them. Many harbor concerns about safety, having only ever been taught by movies and Law & Order episodes to associate cruising with seediness, criminality, and “threatening” male sexuality.
I’m here to tell you that none of those impressions are accurate. Trans people are in the cruising spaces. We have always been there, we helped to shape these hidden corners and dusty backrooms into what they are, and for the vast majority of cruising patrons, our presence is not only welcome, but totally blasé. There are even trans-specific cruising nights in many areas! (See the bottom of this article for a list of Chicago-based ones!)
And though getting acclimated to the social norms of the sauna (or dungeon, or cruising bar) might seem confusing at first, it’s quite easy to study and mimic, even if you’re disabled. In many ways, it’s refreshingly more direct than most other forms of socializing. The cruising spot can be an arena for vanquishing shame, if you let it.
Finally, it is important to note that it’s the seediness and secrecy of a cruising space that makes it so safe — it’s a self-policing community of queer people who respect the location, rely upon it, and who look after one another without the intruding eye of the straight public or the cops.
If you’re queer and neuroweird and horny and you’re contemplating cruising, there is a place for you. You just have to overcome your understandable anxieties, study up on common cruising practices, and then venture forth to give it a try (maybe with a buddy the first time).
In this piece, I will lay out some basic principles for cruising as a trans or Autistic person (though I think this advice applies broadly to anyone who feels a little out of place in cruising spots, which is everyone at first), explain the finer points of visiting backrooms, saunas, and parks specifically, and then I’ll wrap up with a list of resources for readers looking to find a cruising spot in their area. I’ll also close out with a list of cruising-related events in Chicago that are specifically T4T or sapphic in nature, because frankly, us gay dudes are wildly overrepresented in the scene.
And so, without further ado, here are the core principles of cruising:
Be Direct
The first rule of finding freaky, casual sex with strangers is learning how to express what you want. If society has trained you to only ever view yourself as the passive recipient of attention, you’re going to have to learn to leave that training at the door.
There is nothing wrong with wanting sex, finding another person desirable, or allowing those feelings to show by staring at a beautiful face (or ass, or other body part). If you’re in a cruising space, you have a free pass to approach other people, smile at them, or invite them to have sex. In many cruising spots, it’s also normal to express interest by lightly touching a person on the arm, or even by masturbating next to them. Observe other people and learn the language of the area, but once you have, don’t be afraid to speak it.
If you’re cruising on an app (like Grindr, Lex, or Sniffies, just to name a few), practice expressing what it is you are interested in. Write down a short list of the sexual activities you enjoy, for example, or write a short story about what you’d like to do to someone, or have done to you. Highly imaginative, communicative people are a rare prize on the apps. Your creative vision can turn a person on just as easily as your body can. Don’t be afraid to show off either of those assets.
Save links to porn that really gets you going, so that you can share it with potential partners. Take photos of any kinky gear that you own and share it the same way you would a nude. You don’t have to be great at verbal communication in order to express your desire directly — sharing photos, using gestures, following a script, or displaying that you are turned on using your body are all possible avenues.
Here’s some example language you can use:
“Can I touch you?”
“I’d love to kiss you.”
“Are you looking to bottom?”
“I’d love to drink your piss.”
“Are you into fisting?”
“Do you want some poppers?”
“Do you like to cuddle?”
“Looking at you is making me so [hard/wet/etc.]”
At most in-person cruising spaces, the primary way to convey interest is by holding someone’s gaze. I recognize this sounds mortifying to most neurodivergent people, but hear me out: You do not need to form any particular expression with your face. You just need to stare at a person for a few seconds.
If you think someone is hot, look at them in the face long enough for them to notice you, and then keep staring. If they turn toward you, and continue holding your gaze, they are interested. From there, you can begin speaking to them or touching them lightly, or you can gesture to an area where you want them to follow you to. Make your gestures fairly big and obvious: cock your head multiple times in the direction you want them to walk, or take their hand in yours and lead them.
Cis men in gay bars and saunas are not using complicated microexpressions. They will make their feelings very clear, and gesticulate with a blunt directness, and so should you. If you can’t stand making eye contact, try just staring at a person’s forehead. That will be enough, so long as you hold your stare for a long enough time, in an obvious enough way.
Show Patience
One of the biggest rookie cruising mistakes is lacking the patience to just sit in stillness and allow possibilities to unfold around you. The age of the smart phone and hermitmaxxing means that very few people today are practiced in the art of just chilling. But cruising is all about accepting what the randomness of the moment has to give, and then sticking around for the next moment to meet you.
As Alex Espinoza writes in his history of cruising, it used to be typical for cruisers to lurk on a park bench for hours at a time, sometimes passing whole evenings in a dedicated cruising spot without meeting anyone. Finding fellow members of the queer community was that precious — and that hard. Today, Leo Herrera sometimes admonishes younger gays for compulsively opening up Grindr or playing on their phones instead of looking around and appreciating who’s right there in front of them.
I understand that as a trans or Autistic cruiser, you’re likely to feel some social anxiety within the cruising space. I feel it, too! I pace around the bar too quickly, suck down my drink in seconds, dart my eyes around too covertly to really connect with anyone, and then as my stress levels mount from all the stimulation I’m giving myself, I start getting into my head about how I’m not welcome and everyone’s repulsed by me.
These feelings are liars. But they’re allowed to exist. When your social anxiety starts frothing up inside of you, thank those feelings for trying to protect you from danger, and remind them that what you’re doing is actually completely normal and cool. Every person at the bar is a little anxious; most of them stand around nursing drinks for hours before working up the courage to step into the shadowy backroom and get it on.
One of the reasons that you have to express your interest so explicitly and obviously is because everyone’s so fucking squirrely and shy. And as Autistic people, we tend to look at strangers through our peripheral vision more often than using a dead-on stare. This makes our attention and emotion easy to miss. We’re compulsive about making ourselves smaller, because in most public settings we are prey animals avoiding detection. But here we want to be found, and that means it’s okay (and does not make you a loser) to be visibly present, and alone, for a long time.
Leo Herrera suggests moving through cruising spaces at the same speed as you would pass through a museum: the people are the art, and should be viewed from roughly the same distance, with the same degree of thoughtful consideration. If you present yourself as the art on display, you’ll have to be even more patient: get used to standing still, striking poses, being admired, and yes, being passed over. It’s okay if you’re wiggling your toes nervously in your boots the entire time. Just stay.
There are a lot of ways to pass the time as you cruise. Smoke a cigarette or a joint (this can be offered to a stranger, as an ice breaker); take deep breaths, play pool, hide behind sunglasses, sip a beer. The guys who cruise at Montrose Harbor are often avid birders, both to blend into their idyllic surroundings and as relaxing way to stretch out the time. If you observe your cruising spots carefully, you’ll notice that lots of people are just standing there, or walking the same circuit over and over. You can do the same.
Don’t let an awkward moment or lackluster offerings prevent you from chasing your horny bliss. Keep showing up. Move way more slowly than your anxious body is telling you to. And don’t give up. Cruising spaces are hallowed public spots where you can be as repetitively Autistic and eerie as you wish, and you won’t even stand out at all. That’s something worth experiencing, even if you never find someone you want to fuck.
Roll with Rejection
A natural consequence of expressing one’s sexual desires is to get rejected. Remember, this is not a failure: a rejection is a sign that a successful consent negotiation has taken place. That is always better than not having one at all.
You haven’t violated anybody by shooting your shot, or stretched beyond your “league.” You’ve done a very brave and important thing, actually, by expressing that you find someone hot, or want to treat them like your pet Dobermann. And they’ve done an equally vital thing by showing that their interests and yours just don’t line up.
Being covert spaces with a culture shaped largely by men, rejection is not handled delicately in cruising spaces. Most often, a guy will show he’s not interested by just up and walking away. You may find this confusing at first, particularly if you, like me, are from a culture where people extract themselves from uncomfy social situations with lots of face-saving flourishes and compliments that prevent a person from even recognizing that they’ve been turned down.
It’s pretty toxic, all that indirect, mealy-mouthed white woman Midwesternism. Try to embrace the honesty and elopement of it all instead.
It’s common for cruisers to express desires and boundaries with their bodies: if a guy doesn’t want your hand on his ass during sex, he’ll probably just remove it himself. If you push the issue, he’ll leave. If a person looks away, turns away, or heads somewhere private without signaling that you should follow him, then he’s not interested. You should feel free to do the same. There is no need to massage anyone’s ego, or pretend to take someone’s number when you’re never gonna call. Touch who you wanna touch (if they’re into it), fool around for exactly as long as you like, and then hit the bricks.
It’s typical for cruisers to want to have sex with multiple different people in one single night, and to avoid having an orgasm for as long as possible in order to manage this. So if you’re fooling around with someone and they suddenly leave, do not take it personally. Don’t assume that you have done anything wrong. It’s far more likely that they’re just trying to keep from blowing a load too early in the night.
And if a cute stranger on the apps suddenly stops returning your messages, try to maintain your composure and not write some lengthy rant on Twitter about the evils of “ghosting” with screenshots. They just went off and sealed the deal with somebody else who was a better fit or lived closer. It’s not a big deal. Who knows what the next night and the next cruise will bring.
Respect the Norms of the Space
Sometimes, people who are not super familiar with cruising spaces wander in without preparing themselves for what they are going to see, and react to the frank queer sexuality that’s on display in downright dangerous ways. Like this Tumblr commenter, for instance, who was scandalized to see a gay man in a gay bar getting his pits licked:
I don’t think Tumblr user bippysaurus realizes how reactionary their point of view really is. Queer sexuality was illegal in the United States until the 2000’s. In many parts of the world, it remains illegal to have gay sex. We are still far more likely to be prosecuted as sex offenders for showing any sign of our sexualities in public, compared to straight people, and to end up on registries because of it.
Gay bars, cruisy parks, and seedy backrooms rose up to provide queer people with safe places to meet one another and enjoy intimacy free from the judgment of the law or the leering straight public — but now members of that straight public have wandered into our spaces, gawked at our activities, and declared that we are somehow “violating” them.
You do not want to be this person, however unwittingly. Even if you’re queer, even if you know the sting of social exclusion quite well, it is still possible for you to wander into a cruising space without self-awareness and introduce a boatload of homophobia and sex-negativity. If you’re not aware of the social norms that rule these places and you haven’t examined your own sexual triggers and hang-ups carefully, you may find yourself freaking out. And if you’re not prepared to take responsibility for your own responses, you may react in ways that threaten to explode the space.
So please, before cruising, do a little homework. Reading pieces like this one and Leo Herrera’s are a good place to start. Also check out the reviews for cruising spaces posted to Google, Yelp, Sniffies, or Cruisinggays.com, or on local forums. Ask a regular for advice. Stand around on the fringes for a while, where you feel relatively more comfortable, and observe all that is going on for a while. Don’t dive into the deep end if you can’t swim.
Get to know the culture specific to the space. Is it normal to touch a person without asking them first? Are condoms provided, or do you have to bring your own? Is it normal for people to use drugs there? To drink alcohol? If two people are having sex in a public area, is it okay to walk up and get involved? Can you stand to the side and masturbate? How quietly do people talk? What are the signals that cops or families might be approaching?
Every cruising space has slightly different rules of engagement, but general principles do apply across the board. Generally speaking, you want to be quiet, slow moving, and unafraid of physical contact. You can expect to see sex and bodily fluids. Some people will not want to use condoms. Some people will use substances, but getting sloppy is strongly discouraged. Most people won’t want long conversations or for their time to be wasted.
Understand that even if the standard practices of a cruising space might seem unusual for you, they exist for a reason, and deserve respect. You might prefer to chat with a potential date for hours before fooling around, but cruising is for people who seek randomness, immediacy, and the safety of keeping personal information private. You might not want a stranger stroking your leg in the sauna, but gay bathhouses have helped multiple generations of queer people overcome shame by listening to their bodies rather than having to form words first.
If you run into an exclusionary policy or a lack of accessibility and you want to push for a change, that is an invaluable way to contribute to the community. These spaces are far from perfect, and we should always be pushing for them to do better, especially for trans people, disabled people, and queer women. But if you don’t enjoy open sexuality and casual touch, a cruising spot is probably never going to be for you.
Some days, I’m far too trauma-triggered to want to flounce around naked in a steam room where I might be touched or stared at. On other days, interested touch from members of my community is the most healing thing in the world. Sex is ultimately neutral — it is a funny thing that humans sometimes do that is neither inherently good nor bad, nor particularly meaningfully charged. Make of it what you like, forget the rest.
If cis-gay-dominated cruising spaces aren’t a great fit for you, try seeking out more trans-oriented or “women, trans, and nonbinary” cruising spaces as an alternative, which tend to move at a far slower and less intense pace. Munches (where kinky people gather to meet and network, typically over a meal) are also great spaces to meet new, sexually adventures people without the pressure of immediate action.
Now that I’ve outlined some of the core principles for cruising in general, it’s time to get a little more specific. Here are my tips for cruising at bars, saunas, parks, public spaces, and on the apps:
Bar Backrooms
Some gay bars look unassuming and casual in the front, but feature slightly hidden, darkened “backrooms” (typically a space literally in the back of the building, or in the basement) where patrons can have sex. Though traditionally these spaces have been frequented by cis queer men the most, they’ve nearly always been multi-gendered spaces where lesbians, trans women, trans guys, and even the occasional cool straight can catch a thrill.
Today, nearly all backrooms are open to everyone, even if gay men do still dominate the crowd on most nights. Most backrooms are dimly lit, with an array of benches, shadowy corners, booths, and potentially sex swings, cages, or a St. Andrew’s cross. Some backrooms charge a fee for entrance — like Banana Video in Chicago, above the bear bar SoFo Tap — but others are free, and have their own back bars and dance floors.
If you’ve never cruised before, I recommend starting with a visit to a bar with a backroom before checking out anywhere else. You can socialize in the front bar for as long as you like, marshalling up your courage over a drink or a game of darts and socializing with the regulars.
Many cruising bars have theme nights for people into rubber, leather, jockstraps, sports jerseys, or pup play, and those can be great for people watching and socializing. If you want to engage with others, wear something that will provoke comments, like a pup mask, a slutty outfit, or even a pair of handcuffs dangling from your belt. The bar will most likely feature either lockers or a clothes check counter, so you can undress to your level of comfort and store things there. In the backroom, a DJ might be spinning some dance tunes, particularly on a Friday or Saturday night.
You can pick people up in the front area of the bar in the usual, vanilla way: by offering to buy a person a drink, or just chatting with them about how their night has been and then asking them if they want to head to the back. In the backroom, things will be considerably more overt. Expect to see full nudity, masturbation, and sex acts, and don’t be surprised if someone initiates by touching your back or arm, or by presenting themselves to you.
Tops will often flag that they are looking for bottoms by leaning against a wall, taking up a lot of space, and touching themselves, showing off their dick or strap. Bottoms may signal they want a top by dancing suggestively or showing off their ass, or just offering to suck someone’s dick. You can stand around and let people come to you, or you can make an approach. Either way, remember to use obvious physical signals and long eye contact.
If you’re not sure what someone is looking for just ask. “Are you looking?” or “What are you looking for tonight?” are both common questions.
Once someone has shown interest in you physically, you can progress things using either words or your body. Press their head down gently, unloop their belt, play with your genitals and ask them to open wide, and so on. If two people start having sex near you, don’t consider it an invitation to join, generally. However, you can stand nearby and jerk off.
At a gay bar with a backroom, you’re likely to see a lot of movement, and a lot of blurring between socializing and hooking up. Large crews of gay dudes will roll up with their friends, have a couple of drinks, and then flow into one another for a few sensual moments, then break off to smoke or talk. You’ll also see couples visiting the space simply for a low-key place to fuck.
If you’re looking to meet a sexy stranger, you’ll probably have the most luck toward the end of the night. You might be surprised at just how hesitant a lot of guys are to initiate sex, even at the having-random-sex spot. It takes a few hours of hanging around and drinking for most to find their courage. If this frustrates you, be the change you seek: ask a cute person if they wanna make out. Be the first person to strip down to their underwear on the dancefloor.
Finally, don’t limit your search only to bars with dedicated backrooms. Many avid cruisers have fun in the bathrooms and alleyways of more vanilla gay bars.
If you’re in Chicago, try:
Cell Block
Jackhammer
SoFo Tap (see Banana Video upstairs)
Gay Saunas & Bathhouses
In comparison to backrooms, where virtually anyone can participate in some sexy fun, gay saunas tend to be far more gender segregated. Often this is required by law. Here in Chicago the primary gay sauna, Steamworks, requires that visitors provide an ID stating they are legally male, except on the sauna’s dedicated trans masculine and trans feminine nights. This unfortunately does restrict access for a great many people.
As a trans guy who does have the legally required M on my ID, I have never had any issues visiting Steamworks. Staff have always been considerate toward me, and checked in frequently to ensure I was feeling safe. Even when I had double D breasts and looked very feminine, no patron ever behaved inappropriately toward me. I walked around fully nude and had no problem finding lots of queer men who wanted to have sex with me. I’ve visited on both the dedicated trans masc nights and on “regular” nights throughout the month, and personally, I prefer the regular nights, because I can feel more like “just one of the guys.”
At the gay sauna, you can typically expect to see a wide diversity of bodies on display: young and old, fat and thin, disabled and not visibly disabled, hirsute and freshly shaven, and people of all races and backgrounds. Most people will move through the space with a towel around their hips, but you can also go naked. It can be a wonderful remedy for body insecurities and even gender dysphoria to sit in the steam and observe just how varied guys’ appearances can be.
One of the great pleasures of cruising in a bathhouse is that the space comes with so many built-in amenities. Most bathhouses feature an offering of wet and dry saunas, hot tubs, showers, and seating areas with movies or porn playing on TV. Steamworks Chicago also has a full gym with free weights and machines, a covered rooftop for smokers, vending machines with snacks and supplies, multiple gathering spaces, two floors filled with private rooms, an array of darkened mazes, gloryholes, and booths for having sex in, sex swings, and even a caged set of bunk beds.
The social norms are fairly straightforward: lock eyes with a cute guy from across the hot tub and then go over to meet him, or look over your shoulder to catch the attention of the hottie beneath you on the stairs and get him to follow you. Interested strangers will sit right next to you in the steam room and touch you on the leg, arm, or back. If you happen upon two people having sex in a public space, you can stand nearby masturbating or ask for permission to join. Hands will find their way onto your ass as you walk around a busy corner.
In some areas of the sauna, patrons will signal their interests with how they position their body. A guy looking to receive oral will stand at a glory hole, pleasuring himself; someone looking to suck will stand on the lower level, where the gloryholes are at face height. An open door to a private room is most often an invitation: if the guy inside is laying on the bed on his back, touching himself, he’s a top; if a guy is lying down ass-up, he’s a bottom. Someone standing at the door may be either a top or a side.
If your interests are specific, that’s okay too: I always go with a blindfold, get a room to myself, and lie down with condoms spread around me. I’ve seen guys in latex and leather at the sauna, and people in harnesses. I’ve had fun with trans guys who have worn their strap-ons to the space. It’s quite typical to see dudes in chastity cages there, and couples come for group play as well. As always, remember to be direct, and take rejection in stride.
Even if you don’t get laid on any particular evening, you can still relax in the hot water and soothe your sore muscles at the sauna, which makes it another great “rookie” cruising spot. It’s completely “normal” to visit these spaces alone and just hang out for hours, or to visit with a big gaggle of friends and do nothing but soak together.
On trans nights at the sauna, you will be more likely to meet people who are not cis gay men. But you’ll also encounter potential chasers — decide for yourself how you would like to handle that. My policy is to not answer questions about my body or transition, and to reject anyone who makes me feel weird. But personally, I kind of like it if a cis guy is respectful about finding me “special.” When a guy is pleasantly surprised to discover my anatomy in the middle of the hook-up, I’m always elated.
If at any moment you feel unsafe or disrespected, or a sexual partner crosses your stated boundaries, speak loudly and declaratively and physically move them or yourself away. This will get the attention of bystanders, who typically are excellent about stepping up to offer support. Alert sauna staff if you need someone to be removed, or have reason for them to be banned from the space permanently.
Generally speaking, though, you won’t have much to worry about — the community is highly invested in policing itself. The worst I’ve ever experienced at Steamworks was a middle-aged-guy named Aidan asking me if I was originally a girl or originally a boy, and then fleeing in embarrassment when I said, “Aidan, huh? That’s a very popular trans guy name.”
If you’re in Chicago, try:
Steamworks
King Spa
The Outdoors
Outdoor cruising is more varsity-level stuff. The locations are not advertised as obviously as a bar or sauna would be, and the social norms tend to rely a bit more on discretion. You might have to venture to a more remote area, such as a local nature reserve or a bathroom in a dead mall, the illicitness of the location lending everyone a slightly squirrelly, suspicious air.
But fear not, awkward trans and/or Autistic person! The parks, bathrooms, cemeteries, and stairwells are for you, just as much as they are for everyone else. Though outdoor cruising is largely a cis gay male tradition, other queer folks and various outsiders of all identities have been appreciating it for years. Hell, when I was in high school in the early 2000’s, my best friend’s (straight!) dad regularly met (straight!) women in the Cleveland Metroparks to have anonymous quickies with.
Life, as Sufjan Stevens says, is abundant. And all manner of natural treasures await you if you go hunting, from empty popper bottles buried in the dirty to circle-jerks half a dozen dudes wide.
To get started with outdoor cruising, you need to know the lay of the land. I recommend checking out Cruisinggays.com, Gaycities.com, and the Sniffies app to find lists of local cruising spots in your area. If you’re in a park or random public space and you see a lot of men standing around awkwardly or making very Meaningful-seeming eye contact, you can confirm your suspicions by looking up reviews of the place online. Sometimes you’ll find an outright mention of a gloryhole in a park bathroom’s Google reviews.
Pay close attention to the optimal hours, and the overall energy of the location. The Magic Hedge near Montrose Harbor is most active after dusk, when families have left the beach and guys have started to wander from The Dock bar into the woods. As soon as you pass from the open prairie into the shade under the trees, the mood palpably shifts. Men stand spread out, very still, looking hunted. If you start to stroll down a dirt path, you’ll turn around and spot one of them following you.
Cruising in the woods at night feels like being in It Follows, and that’s part of the thrill.
In more industrial or commercial spaces, the mood isn’t all that different: men stand staggered at the rest stops, smoking near the trucks and waiting to be picked up. If they are interested they’ll give you a hard, hungry look, unless you start acting like you’re confused or you’re going to report them, in which case they’ll bolt.
The social perception that happens here occurs on an animal, instinctual level. It’s not an elaborate social pantomime like you’re usually expected to perform. In this way, cruising can be far more accessible to Autistic people than you might think. Everybody is openly tentative, horny, and scared, just like you. Nobody’s pretending, or speaking between the lines. So trust your instincts a bit, and approach people, or avoid them, as feels natural to you. If someone wants you or does not want you, they will make it obvious.
You may need to spend a lot of time in the area observing people before you know what to do. Again, remember to practice patience. Leo Herrera reminds us of the importance of gratitude, too: “There is discipline in accepting that you don’t know where your orgasm may come from or if you’ll get one,” he writes.
Outdoor cruising can feel the most forbidden and scary of all the available options. But cruising in the wide open offers a sweet, free secret in a world where it often costs $30 just to leave the house. The cruisers who play outside will protect the security of their spaces and maintain its community norms quite fiercely, throwing out anybody who crosses boundaries or causes problems. So do your best to relax.
Try relish the space for what it is: swim in the water off the harbor, camp in a tent, eat an apple in the parking lot and let the juice run down your chin. The more that you experience your physical surroundings as an observant, primed, hungry animal, the more the people around you will take notice and respond in kind.
Cruising outdoors can be quite the grounding exercise for the anxious, dissociated Autistic. And finding common ground alongside a row of burly, sweaty men as a trans dude can be fulfilling in a way that transcends words.
If you’re in Chicago, try:
Montrose Harbor
Te-Jay’s Adult Bookstore
Century Shopping Center’s Bathrooms
The Wilson Avenue bathroom on the Lakefront trail
The Apps
Leo Herrera mildly disdains the apps in favor of in-person cruising. But as a trans Autistic, I find a ton of potential in them.
On Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies, FetLife, and Recon, I can communicate my desires with a high degree of specificity, and allow my words and images to speak for me in an intentional way that my body language often cannot. I can scroll through the profiles of dozens of men, and evaluate them not only based on looks (which, as an asexual kinkster, matters relatively little to me), but on their communication abilities and stated preferences as well. In the DM’s, I can establish a rapport with dozens of strangers, so that even if one tryst winds up being a bust, I can always reconnect with someone else I liked later.
In my experience, the best way to cruise on the apps is to use them as an extension of cruising in person. Head to a physical space where a lot of hot queer people might congregate, such as a gay bar, concert, convention, or street festival. Post up somewhere visible, grab a drink, and look to see who’s nearby and intriguing. Make sure to take your eyes off of your screen regularly, and you’ll notice some of the people you’re flirting with right in front of you.
As always, you will have to communicate clearly, and name your desires explicitly. This requires being honest with yourself and developing a rich fantasy life. Are you looking to top? Wanna suck a dick in a car? Are you looking for a Daddy type? A baby girl? A dog? Or just someone to dry hump in the alleyway?
Try to seal the deal quickly, if sex is what you’re after, rather than making idle small talk for hours. Some people mistakenly believe that it’s somehow rude to acknowledge sex on the sexual hook-up apps, but in reality it can be far more rude to waste time with indirectness and superficial, symbolic chatter. If you want to meet up, say so; if you want a casual cup of coffee before negotiating an intense kink scene, that’s fine! Just say so and make it happen.
If you’re an Autistic person who masks heavily or explains things with a meticulous degree of detail (like me, hello, this essay is 7k words), try to keep your messages brief and to the point. People on the apps are reading lots of notifications from lots of people all at once, and will get overwhelmed by too much information. The guy you’re flirting with doesn’t need to hear the whole long story about how your roommate is sick at home and that’s why you can’t host. Just say you’re looking to fuck outside and leave it at that.
Certain apps are better for certain communities. FetLife and Recon are for kinksters. Grindr is for gay men historically, but these days there’s lots of trans men, trans women, and bisexuals on there too. Lex is for sapphics primarily, but it also has personal ads for anyone. Barq is for the furries. There are specialty sites for fisters, and for the “orally inclined.”
The more specific or niche your interests, the harder it will be to find a compatible partner instantly on a hookup app. But it’s still possible, and your desires are always worth investing a little time and care into. I have found some wonderful rope tops on Grindr simply by putting that interest into the ether. And the more selective I am, the more often I get to have sex I actually want.
Many trans and Autistic people have low-esteem after a lifetime of systematic social exclusion and bullying, and that can make it uncomfortable to “promote” themselves on the apps. However, if you can push past those terrible insecurities and stay active in spite of them, you’ll find quite a useful sandbox for practicing self-advocacy skills.
Try to harness a spirit of genuine passion, if not for yourself, then for the activities and people that catch your eye. What do you love doing? What are you excited to try? When your profile sparkles with genuine enthusiasm, people will be drawn to you. For an added confidence boost, be sure to practice rejecting people and setting boundaries too. “I’m not looking for penetrative sex, good luck out there!”, “I’m not interested,” and “I don’t like how pushy you’re being, I’m gonna block you,” are all completely acceptable things to say.
Cruising is a practice that’s perfect for Autistic people, though many of us find it intimidating at first. It’s a wildly transgressive practice of reimagining public spaces into something completely new while eschewing societal taboos. When a cruising environment is healthy, it welcomes all body types and genders, and embraces a truly expansive, creative definition of sex. What’s not to love about that?
When you cruise you can grunt, flap your hands, touch yourself, observe others fascinatedly, and run away all without saying a word. It’s also oddly redemptive in its power to draw us back into our bodies: when you cruise you notice all the little shifts in people’s posture, the rising and falling of breath in their bellies, and your body’s changing reactions, all without making any presumptions about what they must mean.
Give cruising a try. And let me know on Tumblr if you have any particularly exciting encounters you wanna brag about.
I’ll wrap up this guide with a list of cruising events for queer Chicagoans, particularly trans people and women, since they tend to be far less represented in cruising spaces. Beneath that, there’s a more general list of sites for anyone looking to get cruising in their area.
Cruising Events for Chicagoans:
Women, Trans, Nonbinary Leather Social & Cruise at Baton Lounge
Pound Night, a monthly pup (and other animal) & handler gathering and cruise at Cell Block, on the third Friday of each month
Where to Find Cruising Events & Spaces in Your Area
Apps like Lex, Grindr, Scruff, Recon, and Fetlife
Your local gay bar
Queer bookstores
Porn shops and adult bookstores
Have a fun, fascinating time out there, everyone.
I was not prepared for the Cleveland Metroparks mention HAHA
This is a fucking fantastic article thankyou 💚